The other issue i have is attraction to my roommate. I'm bi, she's straight, we've become emotionally close during lockdown. My mind tries to trick me into seeing signs that she's interested in being more than friends, but i'm smart enough to draw a hard line and not cross it. I need her as a roommate, i need her as a friend. So instead i fantasize about her and search for porn that looks like her. I even found a sex chat partner with a similar name. The solution is clear. DON'T cross the line. And deal with my obsessions and cravings in a healthy way...which is why i'm here. But it's easier said than done.
It sounds like you are on the right track. Once you let that cat out of the bag, it can't be undone. Better to let it out here. Maybe consider a 12 step support group like SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous). A lot of them have meetings online (Zoom meetings) and it's another way to find support from people with similar struggles.
Stop with the porn and fantasizing or you stay in this shitty position. How? Get some routine throughout your day. A morning, afternoon and evening routine provides structure and grip. Ur setting goals witch you brain will focus on.
Oh my god this is so difficult...I just feel so attracted to her right now...I am literally hiding in my room, she probably thinks i'm mad at her.
Porn creates the illusion that everyone is into sex. that if we make a pass at someone, the other person will be gagging for it and will respond positively. but it is just an illusion. dont make this mistake. can u change ur room? better be safe. even if there is 0.001% chance of falling, better avoid it.
Yes, i understand the illusion part of it. That's why i'm able to avoid crossing the line. I know my mind is playing tricks on me and telling me she's interested, but i've kept some objectivity.
Girl, are you sure is just porn messin up with your head? Maybe I am here to be the little devil on your shoulder, but... You are a girl for goodnest sake! You can sense all of this with your femenine intuition. Let your femenine side arise! You are 'drawing a line' and thinking you are smart enough, you are playing it rational. But, what if your gut is saying you these things? What if your heart is doing it? I can understand that you need her as a roomate and as a friend, and that is fine, you can value that and stay in that position but you cant complaint later dreaming and craving about a "what if". Maybe is love, girl. You think you can just turn your back on Love?? If you want an advise, I got one for you that is going to solve all this stressing situation for you
I'm doing better today. Maybe abstinence has cleaned up my mind a little, i'm not mentally sexualizing her quite as much. We had a long talk yesterday about life in general, and it reinforced how important she is to me as a friend.
That definitely sounds like a step in the right direction. Fantasy and reality are very different things. When I see a hot girl, my imagination fills in the rest. When I actually talk to her, it's better, I connect with a real person . . . it might not make my heart race, get me all aroused or flood my brain with dopamine . . . but it's real life, and when two people connect, it's beautiful. Calm. Serotonin and oxytocin.
It's clear she has her head in the right place. To be able to say "I need her as a friend and as a roommate," that's awesome. It shows maturity. Love =/= sex. If a person's spouse is comatose from an accident, do they stop loving them because they can't have sex? Of course not, that's ridiculous. I can whole heartedly say I love my friends... but they're my friends. That's what I need them to be, not someone I engage with sexually. @Jillchill I know it's hard but you can definitely push through this! I've been through it and some craaazy thoughts get at me about my friends, my boss, etc. but I identify them, and rationalize them and comfort myself ("I know this thought came to me because of what I watched. It hurts to have these thoughts, but it's a part of the healing process. It'll get better."). Those thoughts are not your making, those thoughts don't have to be consequential. They're only thoughts. Keep reaffirming that this is your friend. Even learn to laugh at yourself/those thoughts "What a silly thought!" (That may not come easy at first). Cheering for you.
Yes, so now a friend is like a comatose person. You dont have sex with them because you can't Buddy, if someone that I love is on a coma and cant have sex with, I wouldnt stop loving her, for sure, but sure I will be f*cking somebody else. Welcome to the real world. In the real world people are adults, and adults take care of them sexual needs. And even if that ridiculous and confused theory of "friends" were true, if you are horny about you "friend" and attracted to your "friend", Dont you think that you should be sincere with your "friend"??? If he or she is really your friend you should go tell your truth. So, no
Oh wow... See, that's not the real world— that's your world; a world that revolves around you, your own emotions, feelings and desires, first and foremost before anyone else's. And I'm so glad I'm not in it. A guy like you I can clock a mile away.
sex complicates things even when both are in love it depends on how important she is as a regular friend or room mate, youll be attracted to other people outside your home so far now you get to practice ,tolerance an patience which is very attractive qualities
If you want fantasize is not a problem, but absplutly remove that idea of searching porn with someone similar to her, just think, why search a girl like her, if you actually have her in your room? I don't know how much you time do you know her, if you are not in intimacy better wait a bit but i'm no one for say this.
leave her , find someone else to share room with , its hard but you must do it , straight people find it extremely annoying when their gay friend falls in love with them (i had a friend who was like into me and it just drove me crazy , im straight and he was bi and i always felt so harassed when he used to stare at me romantically , i had to end my friendship with him.
