120 Hard Mode

Thanks @RightEffort, I can see myself moving in that direction. It doesn't seem to go quite as deep or far as tantra/Taoist practices, but is nonetheless pretty wholesome.

 

Update: Day 136 and I'm having a rough time with urges. I posted the following on my journal and am posting it here for added accountability. Open to hearing anyone's thoughts as well:

State over the past few days:

The strong urges continue and are ever stronger. This is a good test of my commitment. There's a cluster of factors wearing me down, but at the end of the day they are external. What matters is my own mind and heart as I face the pull of the world and my ego. The battle has ramped up so I need to dig deep.

I'm going to use this writing as a reflective experience to bring myself back into alignment.

What is feeding this situation?

Over the past few days I've been quite out of focus, precipitating today in a state in which it feels like there's only a thin veil between this moment and a relapse. In my last entry I mentioned above that the factors are external; in principle, I don't like deflecting or blaming my choices on things outside myself. However, I do believe in cause and effect so I think it's important to note what exactly is happening in and around me by specifying the events and elements that are feeding into this state, so here they are:

1) On Monday this week, there was an incident in which I judged someone for being a bit of a dog. He stopped his car in the middle of the road to stare at a woman passing by. I was funny but I judged him, only to do exactly the same thing by checking her out and then holding my gaze for as long as possible. I acknowledged after the fact that it was a mistake while recognizing there may be some Karma to pay for. I don't want to attribute what's happening now to that incident because that's way too simplistic, but it's a factor so it makes the list. And indeed, maybe it set off this particular wave of urges because it was a thirsty gaze.

2) I got a COVID shot yesterday and today I'm feeling like crap. Headache, weakness, fatigue, soreness. Nothing too intense but enough to be a factor forsure.

3) In connection to the above, once I got home from work I've more or less lounged around in bed, so my energy has been very stagnant.

4) Not only have I lounged in bed, but I've done so with phone in hand, using it to distract me from my discomfort, agitation and boredom.

5) However, it's not just today. My phone and internet use has been quite undisciplined these past few days. Too much time mindlessly surfing the web and Youtube. Some provocative images came up a few times and I didn't make any concerted efforts to look away, though I didn't overindulge either.

6) This one's cliché but let's blame the weather a little haha. It's the end of May and where I live we got some snow this morning, and most of the rest of the day has been overcast, rainy and cold.

7) I was with a client today and while I was with him he found out that his favourite uncle died. Obviously he was very upset and it totally threw off our interaction and purpose together. I think because of my own physical/psychological state alluded to above, I kind of fake empathized with him, which made me feel like I'm shallow. So there's now some degree of guilt.

8) I was outside walking to my car, throwing a nearly full plastic water bottle in the air and catching it. It was just one throw and it slipped out of my hand, fell on the ground and rolled underneath a car to a spot too far to reach without crawling underneath it. I don't know why this makes my list but it does! I would normally laugh at something like that but today I just wasn't impressed. It's like, why God?

9) In the past few days, both of main vehicles have had transmission issues and the bill looks like it might be hefty.

10) I had a negative interaction with a store clerk today. They were being passive aggressive and I called them out on it. I smoothed it over but it was like my negative energy attracted his negative energy.

11) I've been eating too much and too carelessly lately. I'd bet that the quality and quantity of my food intake has something to do with this. For example, I didn't have breakfast and my only meal was at 4 pm, but I overdid it with a massive plate of shrimp and rice. Shrimp is definitely an aphrodisiac as far as I'm concerned so not the wisest food choice all considered.

12) Had a dream last night about one of my insecurities.

There's more but that's a good list so I'll stop at that.

So what?

Does the confluence of the above weaken the will? Probably. It certainly doesn't help. However, here's the thing, I'm a being with consciousness and choice. It is a choice, moment to moment, to either be reactive or non-reactive to what life throws at us. Tense or relaxed. Calm or agitated. So if I want to course correct, here's the principle I'm going to start with. IT IS MY CHOICE to either have a relapse or to continue holding the line. It's a skillful choice though, which means I can't rely on sheer will alone. I have to get clear about my strategy and then take the right steps.

To be continued...

 

The Strategy

I've established that there are externals affecting me but that the choice is ultimately mine and there's no one to blame but myself if I relapse. This is a very practical matter, it's not theoretical at all, so what are the steps I'm committed to taking this evening to re-align?

1) Stop using phone/computer mindlessly. No allowance for meaningless surfing.

2) Go for a long walk (at least 45 mins) even though I feel a little sick.

3) Contemplate! On said walk, don't get distracted by external images and sounds. Go inwards. Contemplate my long history of PMO addiction and the damage it has done in my life. Remember the feeling of being caught in that hellhole. Contemplate the idea that the fake solution that PMO represents will only magnify the problem, like pouring gasoline on a fire in an effort to put it out. Reflect on the amazing achievement so far, and be glad of how far I've come. Know that the current state is temporary. Urges are waves that rise and fall live everything else, surf the wave rather than being drowned by it. Contemplate the value of retaining my seed and abstaining from PMO. Recognize the benefits derived so far. Imagine what it will feel like at day 180. Day 240. 1 year. 2 Years. 5 Years. I've achieved this much after only 136 days, imagine the transformations down the road God willing. And on and on.

4) Worst comes to worse, if I seem to be slipping into P use, ejaculate during sex with wife and feel the goodness born of that shared experience. Then recalibrate.

Okay guys, that's where I'm at. Just wanted to share it honestly, but this post is mainly for me.

May I and you be well. May we abide in true inner freedom and in deep understanding.

 

Wise words my friend thank you!

I'm in a much better mental space this morning. Went for that walk and renewed my committment. Good night's rest also helped. Key is to invest time and energy the next few days in re-establishing my motivation and intention.

 

You're welcome!

 

https://manvsfap.com/nofap-hard-mode/

I've seen elsewhere you can have sex but no ejaculation on hard mode which is what im doing.

 

Felt inspired to write this short piece, enjoy...

Semen Retention and the Gold of Self-Actualization

A person’s highest purpose is to actualize their own potential. Here’s the rub: we don’t know what that potential actually is until it is realized to whatever extent it is realized.

There are many pieces to this puzzle, which is why there are so many different schools of thought, religions, and mystical traditions. They all have different maps, but the destination is essentially the same.

SR is a piece of that puzzle to Self-Actualization. Some of those religions and schools emphasize it more than others but the common denominator is that if a man has semen in his balls, it represents the protection of his masculine core. It represents the fulfillment of a more intense and meaningful life. More energy flows through him and into the world.

There are different approaches to SR but the core message is the same: Don’t waste your sperm.

I choose the word waste carefully because it’s possible to ejaculate for a great reason such as for life. It can also be useful to perhaps share a blissful moment with one’s SO to meld the hearts together.

When it becomes a waste is when O is purely for self-pleasure not any higher purpose. I’m not speaking from a moralistic standpoint btw. Just the way it is.

What’s my message? We need motivation to practice SR, and I can’t think of a better one than to become a greater version of myself.

If I fail, failure is feedback! If I fall, no whining and crying, dust off and get back on the horse!

My eye is on 180 days and I'll go from there.

 

lol that poor guy.

FYI aliens are real

 

Bro...Just do it!