Journal. Cheer me on?

Meanwhile...

Day 22 hard mode.

Yesterday I was physically close with my wife, but not in a way that meant that I could or did O, as this is something we agreed with our marriage counsellor that we would do in this season, primarily for my wife's sake but also to retain intimacy but without slowing or halting my reboot. It was wonderful, but oh my goodness is the tension powerful following it. Vasocongestion on an intense level. Constant, painful and irritating! I need to lift some weights...

Also, been thinking about my near-slip a few days ago. What saved me was reaching out to God and an accountability fellow. God and accountability are the main things (people) that I believe are going to keep me free and recovering. But it also seems helpful to have the filters on and the boundaries clear.

From now on, I commit (again) to:

-not fantasising about P
-not seeking out any P-subs
-not trying to find a way around my filter (putting things in place to strengthen the filter is ok)
-not choosing TV shows because of the hope that some P or P-subs will come up
-not lusting after women in reality or in media

If I do any of these things or feel strongly tempted to do them, I will reach out to God and my accountability partners. However, I won't tell my wife about them (unless I feel the particular conviction of the Holy Spirit) and I won't reset my sobriety (unless I go into extended deliberate fantasy) or my (yes, ultimately only superficial, but psychologically helpful) day counter which is about PMO.

If I do any of the following, together or independently, I will reset my sobriety and my day counter:

-seek out P
-deliberately view P
-masturbate

I am now trying to work out where my boundaries are going forward around fantasising about my wife. Some people say it's good, others not. I am starting to lean towards not. Creates an unreality that is different from reality, and can just lead to frustration and the desire to MO. And then comes thinking about marital memories. Some memories are precious. I think if thinking about the memories turns into fantasising, not so good, but some reflection on and gratitude for memories can be ok.

 

Happy new year anyone reading this.

Day 125 no PMO; day 33 hard mode.

I appear to have (finally) gone into flatline. Opportunity for a form of physical intimacy (without M or O for me of course during this 90 day fast) with my wife yesterday and, though it may have been because I was so exhausted from traveling and some recent family trauma, sadly my body struggled to get very excited about it.

There was a bit of a rush, and sadly this did still come with some association with P and some temptation to think about it / go and look at it (the latter of which I did not do). So evidently my brain is still rebooting, though I acknowledge that the association may take longer than this reboot to die off, and may never die off completely.

The rush did calm down quite quickly yesterday though, hence why I think I am in flatline. I had been looking forward to flatline just to be free for a while of the horrible urges, pains and preoccupations of withdrawal. However what I forgot is that it can be a flatline not just for PMO cravings but for mood in general. I seem to be experiencing a wave of anhedonia and depression at the moment in tandem with it, and the temptation is to turn to P-thoughts (which I have done intermittently and briefly, and of which I repent) just to check that I can feel something there and to try to feel anything at all.

But I surrender all of this to you, God. Please transform me by the renewing of my mind as I offer myself as a living sacrifice to you, repair my brain, make me useful for your glory, and help me to experience healthy pleasure and joy again. Lead me away from temptation, especially P-thoughts. Help me find true joy in you. Help me to cultivate a grateful and thankful heart. Amen.

 

Wrote this a couple of days ago but forgot / didn't have time to post it. Might be helpful to somebody one day--including myself. Today's journal entry in post below this one.

Day 128 no P or M; day 36 hard mode.

I am struggling with intrusive and obsessive temptation to replay P memories and to think about accessing P, just for a few seconds at a time without going into extended fantasy or doing M or actually accessing P, particularly when falling asleep or when being woken up in the night.

I can get woken up in the night (sleep is very rough right now with a young child) and it’s like this huge powerful urge to access P is just there and hits me and I struggle to get back to sleep. Usually it has passed by the time I wake up again in the morning.

This is one of the things that got me just before I first relapsed, when I was 9 years clean and my first child was born. I would wake up in the night and just get hit by these powerful P cravings and memories and find it hard not to dwell on them. It’s difficult.

It’s time to serenity prayer these.

“LORD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…”

-that I have ever looked at P

-that I had been relapsing up until 4 months ago

-that I am a recovering porn addict

-that I get hit by porn memories, cravings, urges, dreams and temptations, particularly when falling asleep or waking up in the night

“…the courage to change the things I can…”

-where I direct my energy today

-whether I choose to reach out to connect with God and others today

-in connection with God, whether I indulge temptation or allow it to be there and get on with other things, like positive activities, prayer, serving and loving my wife, and mindfulness meditation (for e.g. to help me fall (back) asleep)

-whether I do my 12 step work today

-whether I look after and take care of myself today with self-compassion

“…and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Amen.

 

No P or M day 130; hard mode fast day 38.

All of a sudden the idea comes to me ‘I could just PMO and not tell my wife about it.’ Obviously this has always been an option, but it’s like my brain is so desperate for O, with PM being the ‘best’ available route to it right now during this 90 day sex fast, that it’s like it’s now saying ‘Hey, have you thought about doing this?’ and it’s like I am experiencing an urge specifically to PMO and not to tell my wife about it as a workaround for one of the surefire negative consequences I am using to persuade it to keep going without PMO.

I remember this happening before, at pretty much exactly the same point in the 40-day sex fast that my wife and I once did (at my clumsy initiation) soon after my first relapse into PMO about 4 years ago (I guess I didn’t realise then that 40 days wasn’t long enough for a proper hard mode reboot). What’s really annoying is that I have quite a few guy friends (they’re Christians too, two are even pastors) who very occasionally PMO but just don’t tell their wives about it. However, even they admit that it is not a good thing that they do that.

Also, in my case I have explicitly agreed with my wife that if I do it again I will tell her, so it would be a double betrayal if I didn’t tell her. Also, regardless of whether or not I told her all the negative consequences of PMO would still happen: betrayal, shame, depression, anxiety, compromised integrity, and it would mess up my mind and my side of our sex life. So settle down, brain. I need to listen to the Holy Spirit instead.

Some positive things to remember: If I carry on with God’s help then in 4 days’ time I will have gone the longest I have ever gone without sex or a waking* O in 11+ years, since I got married--41 days (a new record!). Also, in 52 days’ time, if I carry on going with God's help, my brain will be rebooted back to something like the state it was in before I started PMO / MO relapsing 4 years ago. Also, I will have gone without a waking* O for the longest time I have done so since 2009 i.e. for the longest time I have done so in about 13 years! Also, I never noticed it before, but my wife and I first became (chaste) boyfriend and girlfriend in 2009 on around the 90th (lowest poss is 87th) day of my original first ever hard mode reboot which was the foundation for my next 9 years of sobriety. That’s pretty cool! But: one day at a time.

*Btw, I still haven’t had a nocturnal emission yet in this reboot (though I have at times wanted one and prayed for one, believing rightly or wrongly that it might ‘ease the tension’ for a while). I’m 33 years old, but that pretty much destroys the theory that my body ‘needs’ to have regular, even monthly, orgasms in order to keep functioning properly. Sex really does appear to be optional. It’s a want, not a need; though perhaps it is a want that (often?) feels like a need...

 

Reading Bible a chapter every day as I have done for many years And engaging as much as I can in other stuff--but good call, need to keep that second one--positive actions, actions of love (self- and other-)

 

Day 134 no P or M; day 42 hard mode fast.

I am really struggling right now. We have some family trauma on both sides--a brother injured in car crash and a Dad who is dying of cancer. Daughter waking up most nights. Huge amounts of work pressure right now.

I am struggling with mental obsession. Just the temptation to flirt with P memories and the temptation to access P, or even just do M by itself to 'ease pressure'. Even if it doesn't lead to looking at P, or doing M, I am sick of this obsession and want it to go away.

I give it to you God. Please help me to weather these cravings and urges and temptations. I want to feel better. I want to be free of them. But I choose to focus on you, give them to you and to get on with positive, life-giving things. Please help me to do that. Amen.

 

Hey man thanks so much for your prayers, really appreciated.

You are right. Something I am learning in this reboot is that even the tiny, brief, invisible mental behaviours have consequences. They may not have as big consequence as full-on looking at porn and/or masturbating, but they still have an effect.

Even if I flirt with a porn memory for a few seconds, I can end up feeling guilty, anxious, bothered, frustrated, more tempted...

I just need to be careful though because something else I have suffered from sometimes in my life is OCD (hyperanxiety around intrusive thoughts). There is a difference between a thought, image or memory just popping into my mind, and actively flirting with a porn memory or fantasy. The trouble is, sometimes the difference can be very fine and subtle and it's hard to differentiate between the two. It's not like I am falling into extended fantasy, or masturbating, or downloading pornography (today...by the grace of God). Rather it's more like a memory image will surface and hit me, and then I will be tempted to think about it briefly, or I will be feeling down and struggling and get tempted very briefly to think about a porn memory. Is there a big difference? Agh.

Maybe it doesn't matter. What's my process?

If I notice myself thinking about a porn memory...acknowledge I am doing it, then surrender the memory to God and refocus on something else. Don't try to fight it myself, don't engage with it, as both just feed it. As I give it away to God, if it keeps bugging me, I just have to keep giving it to God and focusing on something else. Sometimes this means just allowing it to be there, without pushing it away or pulling it closer, and getting on with other positive activities even with it hanging around in the back of my mind. Sometimes the obsessive need to 'be free' of the compulsion, memory, whatever is just another version of being preoccupied with it.

This is what my 21 year old self learned the first time I ever got clean. DON'T FIGHT SIN; FIGHT TO BE INTIMATE WITH JESUS. Amen.

Anyway, hard mode fast day 43/90 today. It is hard, but God is good.

 

Hard mode fast day 48 of 90.

I am just really tired and fed up of this fast now. It is not fun. I feel desolate. I want it to be over. I want to feel better, but right now it feels like the feeling better is just not arriving. Lots of temptation to look at P, though somehow by the grace of God I have not done it.

Jesus, I need you. Please meet me in this.

After a recent part-time job finished, I thought I had arrived at a peaceful place with my work where I had a balance that was good and that everyone could be happy with--a balance of childcare, house-husbanding, part-time work and artistic pursuits (which I make a tiny bit of money from and hope to make more money from eventually, asap really). But my wife asked me what my new set up was going to be now this particular job had ended and I told her, and she was unhappy with it and that triggered a massive argument. Now everything is muddy and confused again. I can't work out whether I should be holding my ground and following my dream or submitting to her and doing immediately paid work more and making art less. The Bible says 'anyone who does not provide for his family is worse than an unbeliever'. But we have a house, my wife works 6 days a week, I provide by doing childcare and house-husbanding, I do provide some immediate income through my part-time work and I am also aiming to provide through my art too. Do I need to be doing immediately paid work every minute of every day that I can? God, it's all so complicated. I had a clear conscience about what I was doing, but now it has gone murky. And the conflict with my wife is creating opportunities for temptation. Aaarggh.

God please help me.