Journal. Cheer me on?

EDIT: I am putting a summary of my story here, as I realise people often check the first post for this sort of thing.

My PMO story:

-Very messy childhood including one parent walking out. This is relevant to my addiction, though knowing that doesn't really help me much.

-Heavily addicted to PMO as a teenager. Acted out sometimes every day, sometimes multiple times a day, usually at best once a week. Started to have some 'streaks' (don't like this word any more--speaks of impermanence and 'achievement') of months without while at University.

-Got free aged 20 through desperate crying out to God, peer and mentor confession and peer accountability, and cultivating and growing in intimacy with Christ to the point of a kind of personal revival.

-2 years of no PMO or MO. So much more confident, joyful, calm; first proper girlfriend (Godly, smart, and knockout beautiful); completed my degree to highest standard, got some more degrees, finished creative projects for the first time.

-Got married to my girlfriend. 7 more years of no PMO or MO.

-Drifted away from peer accountability and, to a lesser extent, God. Still struggled with lust, and struggled with mental health issues (OCD).

-First child born and my wife got very ill. Very high stress. Relapsed with PMO after 9 years away.

-5 years back in the cycle, with PMO once or twice a year and MO at first every few months, then every month, then sometimes once a week or once a day, even multiple times a day, then back to once a month. Mainly struggled with obsessing about whether or not to MO by itself.

-Currently experiencing sobriety from PMO and MO and progressive victory over lust, by the grace of God, one day at a time, by Christ's power alone through Sexaholics Anonymous and peer confession and accountability.

***

Meanwhile, here's the original first post I ever made on this journal thread, way back when (I've come a long way):

Hard mode day 10. Bad blue balls and cravings.

I am also simultaneously on day 101 of normal mode, and currently have 100 days of normal mode under my belt, but as my gf (well, wife, I like to still think of her as also my gf) has some medical problems going on right now, I have taken the opportunity to do a mutually-agreed 90-day hard mode reset to try and work on cravings and flashbacks and PMO-related DE problems which have still plagued me in normal mode.

Man is it difficult! Even though I have been in normal mode for a long time, hard mode is like starting all over again! Day 7 was a massive spike. And I am definitely now in the midst of a big urge wave, with physical and psychological symptoms. Looking forward to getting beyond day 14, day 30, day 60 again. But also trying to just live in today.

Thankfully I have God and Sexaholics Anonymous to help me, but I do still have a special place in my heart for nofap.

Send me some encouragement to help me keep going?

 

Thanks guys. This forum is great. Day 11 today. Still in the urge wave, lots going on, but surrendering it my group, to God, to you guys and just letting the urges and strain be there. They will pass eventually.

Lol, well she is still a girl (woman) and still my friend (best friend, after Jesus !). So I like to think 'girlfriend' still applies. Also, the term reminds me that I need to keep dating her. Long-term, dating her, being romantic and having a fulfilling sex life (all of which I have been rubbish at in the last few years) are going to be key to maintaing the health of our marriage, and my sobriety, I believe.

 

Resist the devil and he will flee from you.

[God] always provides a way out. He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.

If anyone of you thinks that he is in a secure place, he should watch out that his foot does not slip.

 

Welp, over 100 days normal mode yes (which is quite easy, really, given I hadn't been deep into PMO recently, only every 6 months, rather I was struggling more with MO), but only 13 days of a 90 day hard mode fast so far. Like I said earlier, it's almost like starting all over again, and psychologically and biologically I'm finding it really hard.

Thanks for your reply. Amen to everything in it--except 'striving'. Striving hasn't worked for me in the past. Instead I must "strive to rest [in God]" (Hebrews 4).

 

Hard mode day 14. Predictably, very difficult. Testosterone spike, no doubt. Massive urges and cravings for porn. Also, I just miss sex. Doesn’t help that I am exhausted at the moment, there is lots on, and that things are relationally strained with my wife, who is ill. Need to ride the wave out, with God’s help. Surrendering urges, surrendering temptations, surrendering pull to fantasy and MO. God, please give me grace. Let my desire for you be stronger than the desire for porn. I give all this garbage to you–please replace it with good things.

 

Hard mode day 15, normal mode day 107.

I am struggling today. I am amazed at how tough I am finding it. I guess that all that time in normal mode, while it has had a positive effect, I was also getting Os, and so the hunger/craving/addiction was ‘satisfied’ or at least held at bay. Take the Os away, and the hunger/craving/addiction rears its head. This is what needs to die (again) during these 90 days.

The last time I acted out with P was in August, and at that time I hadn’t done it for over a year (although I had had some near misses). But I read on YBOP recently about how long periods of abstinence with intermittent binges can actually strengthen addiction. And I really did binge last August–stayed up all night with it. God, I hope that this 90 day hard-mode fast will help weaken and kill off the addiction as much as possible.

But it is really tough right now. I had a dream about P last night. Today and lately I’m experiencing huge cravings, flashbacks, and intrusive memories of scenes which I then get tempted to linger on or replay in my head for a few seconds at a time. I’m not going into extended fantasy, or doing M or O, but it is like experiencing intrusive temptation. I am really fed up.

My desire to act out with P is very high right now. I just want to have some pleasure, some fun, some relief. Things are tough right now–with tiredness levels, with daughter waking up in the night, with strained relationship with wife, with work situation. I am fed up of resisting. My body is charged up and frustrated. It’s tough.

God, I surrender all this to you. God, I choose you. Please show me your way is better. Please help me to find some joy and relief and pleasure in today that is not from P. I need to go for a walk outside in my lunch break today. I need to go for a run later today. Please lead me into your joy, God.

 

Thanks. Wisdom.

 

Day 16 hard mode. MAJOR WOBBLE. Was really struggling due to external circumstances and with temptation, and foolishly and wrongly tried to find a way round my internet filter–and found one. Have not looked at anything, but I got a rush when I realised I had found a way through and it has really disturbed me. Still struggling with the adrenalin state from the rush and with temptation. Whatever happens, now either I need to find a way to patch this hole or I need to learn to live with having a hole in my filter. Arrgh.

Also, based on the above, have I relapsed??

 

My commitment was/is to 'No sex with self or anyone other than my wife, and progressive victory over lust.'

I guess I didn't realise/forgot how dangerous hunting and seeking behaviour is. While I didn't view any P or P-subs, I felt a rush from finding a way through my filter, and now I am feeling a hangover from that.

I commit now to no hunting and seeking behaviour either (e.g. trying to find more ways around my filter, or investigating devices to see if I could get P on them). Good idea.

I am not going to reset my day counter though because I am still sober specifically from P, PMO and MO, and thus from any 'sex with self or anyone other than the spouse', and it would be psychologically crushing to reset now for this and after all the time so far. I'll chalk this one up to a temporary defeat / setback in my 'progressive victory over lust'.

Now I need to decide whether to tell my wife what happened or not. Can't work out if it's shame or guilt driving the impulse to tell her or what.

I do have accountability, thank you, and thank you for the offer. I have a Christian male friend I talk to and pray with, more that I text, I have covenant eyes with lots of people getting my reports, I have sexaholics anonymous and I have my wife. I'll consider this forum and journal another extra layer of accountability

 

Thanks Tao. Really helpful. So, I didn't look at anything at all--but to poke the filter and find a hole was definitely a red line I should not have crossed, with a rush of anticipation that came from crossing it.

I emailed the developer of the filter I use (Cold Turkey) and he showed me a way to patch up the loophole I found. He is a total legend.

However, what this episode has made me realise is that, as you say, there is probably another way around the filter. There will always be ways around filters and it will always be possible to find P.

But. Having the filters in place slows me down, buying me time to reach out to God and others. Messing with the filter becomes the new boundary that I commit not to cross, and if I do I tell my accountability fellows.

Now that my computer is 'taken care of' I just need to decide again whether I still want to have a smartphone with a filter blocking system or not. And also about whether and if so when to tell my wife about this little episode. I need wisdom from God on these things.

Your policy on device use is excellent. Internet surfing is an addiction too. I try to have a list of things to work through when online, then get offline after they are done. This needs some work though! Too easy just to dip onto Facebook, Twitter, RoyalRoad, emails etc. not for lust but just for mindlessly seeking entertainment.

 

Hard mode day 20. Still feeling some of the affects of near-slip-up a few days ago (shock, haziness, shame), but still holding on to God and staying connected with others.

I'm tempted to worry that, even though I didn't look at anything at all, because I got a dopamine rush of anticipation on day 16 when I tested finding a way around my filter, I won't have fully rebooted by day 90, but I am trusting in what others have said that most of the best changes in a reboot happen between day 30 and 60, and glad that on day 90 it will 74 days since my last dopamine rush of anticipation (I hope!). Phew. One day at a time.

Bring on no PMO day 30.

Bring on day 40, 60, 90.

Bring on today! God, give me your grace, for my good and your glory!