Recent struggles :(

Hi Guys and Ladies,

I am posting this more to just vent for myself than any discussion in particular. Often for me venting is the easiest way to move forward, it helped me enormously when I began NoFap, and I need to fall back to it apparently.

In the past couple weeks I have hit a what seems to be typical 50-60 day urges, it has been tough the past couple weeks. I also began my senior year of school, no I am not stressed more though. I have never really felt that school was stressful for me, and I am thankful for that.

Anyways, in the past couple weeks I have struggled to continue to do my devo's every day, a habit that I was pleased to have been in over the summer and that I took for granted and fell out off. That is issue number 1.

Issue number 2 is my girlfriend and I have become more physical recently. We have been making out and as a result of that we had to redefine our physical terms to cater to our relationship and plans. We are abstaining, it is becoming increasingly hard for us to not continue to move forward physically, we are both physical people and good looking and fit.

I truly believe that God gave us marriage for the blessing that a man and a woman can enjoy each other in a 100% unique and special way. Regrettably I have defiled that hundreds of times which is why I came to NoFap. I wanted to get my life under control. Little did I know the difficulty and journey that would take place. NoFap for a while became my new addiction but it helped immensely in my early stages of recovery.

Back when I was fully separated from God, when I felt that he had forsaken and abandoned me, I made some terrible choices. Those are below in the spoiler, to get them off my chest. Read them at your own risk as there will be triggers present.

I apologize to all women for the failure that man has begun to accept in this PMO problem. I myself have realized that my own mentality is and has been lashing out to go back to the old, to get release. This dawned on my when I became overwhelmed with the desire to look at reddit NSFW site this afternoon. I looked for less than a minute and diverted away, but the damage had been done and I actually jizzed just from that stimulation.

To me I need to adjust my counter, to be more realistic with myself as I continue my 90 day reboot. I don't consider the instances where I have came' the last few weeks as a counter resetting relapse, but definitely signals to head and ensure I don't continue with these struggles. I have in the past told people a website blocker shouldn't be needed in the journey, which I agree with. However, it is a good crutch and I feel right now I need that crutch. I have added a blocker to chrome and went through and blocked any sites that I may have used in the past and also added Reddit to that list. Reddit while a lot of the content is good, is filled with to much NSFW things that I don't want around me. This blocker now redirects all of those bad sites to "bible.com." I also added a phone blocker.

I want to encourage everyone to remember that once you let yourself go once during a long reboot, it is a slippery slope. I myself, am aiming for milestones accompanied with a life long goal. That being said since starting NoFap I have not PMO'd, while I have O'd it was never as a result of me seeking out a PMO. I have as a result of these lessons adjusted my signature and redefined my game plan for success.

Anyways, thank you for the time to vent, type out my thoughts, and get things off my chest. Healing takes time, and right now more than anything I have a feeling that I need the support. I plan to propose in the end of December, which will be just over 5 months of PMO free. When I get married, I hope to be 10 months free.

As we continue this journey, I encourage you all to remember no matter if your 1 day in, 10, 15, 30, 60 or more, that you are never done with this issue. You will rustle with this issue daily, some will be easier than others. The objective is that we do not quit, and we want to be clean. Continue to fight, continue to build a healthy mindset, continue to free yourself.

8Bit

Spoiler: Past confessions - MAJOR TRIGGERS

In the past during my days of PMO I ventured way deeper than I ever want to admit. I had become an avid craigslist browser, constantly searching for that "perfect person" to have a FWB situation with. While I only acted upon CL 2 times, I can't get those traumatic and stupid decisions out of my mind.

The first CL encounter I was pissed at my X, we had an incredibly unhealthy relationship and I found a CL add that was going to give me head. I forced myself to do it, I was hard as a rock all the way to the house, and as soon as I got there, limp dick. I still went through with it, I cummed with a limp dick, and I ran the heck out of there and showered forever, wishing to wash away that filth I had just actually entertained and tried.

Didn't learn my lesson.

Last may (1 year ago), I was at a tournament and I found a dominate older man. He picked me up (from CL ad), and I wanted to be dominated. I let him tie me up and force himself in my mouth and butt. I let him go to town on me. It turned me on so much, not because it was a man, but because I had no control. Eventually we cummed together and I got out. I proceeded to get wasted to try to erase the memory from my mind.

I have experimented lots with extreme things. Candles, wax, mild burning, bondage, and extreme anal. I put a baseball bat in my ass once. It was a huge fetish of mine. I wish that fetish would go away. Porn has induced so many disgusting things. transwomen, extreme anal, they were my jam.

I had a FWB girl that I had sex with numerous times. There was thing fetishy about this, I just ruined my virginity and I regret it so much.

I also have been so close to hiring prostitutes. It disgusts me. I wish that I could change so many things.

I say these once and for all. These repulse me, I hate that they are apart of my past. I don't want them to be in my mind, and it is going to take lots of time to heal. But I know they are not healthy, they are not natural, and they are not a part of me - they are merely an escalated trigger from PMO that I used for a long time to get me off. If you are religious, I ask that you pray for my continued recovery as I battle these fetishes that I do not want.

These things I take to the grave with me now. Knowing that I have confessed them, they are off my chest, they are a part of my past. I have learned from them, I will not repeat them. But most importantly God has forgiven me and I lay myself in his refuge and shelter.

 

Thank you for the encouragement. I think NoFap has helped me more than anything because of the initial week-two weeks I did NoFap, I was able to use the journal system. While I don't really think anyone was reading it, it allowed me to vent and actually write out my thoughts. What a huge help that is to me. Thank you!

I am not going to lie, it has also become difficult as a result of NoFap, because of the fact that I have not M'd in so long, aside from a few jizz in pants over the last almost 2 months, no other stimulation has made me so sensitive in that area. I can, while I try to resist it, come in my pants with just making out for a few minutes with my girlfriend and we aren't even really dry humping. So on the pro side, I know my johnson still works even though I am not PMOing, on the negative side it is hard to make sure that I am not cumming when even making out with my girlfriend.

 

@mv8652, thank you for the response. I know they have been forgiven, but I felt that I needed to actually get them off my chest, get them out there. I am not sure what you mean by I should do the same two things though? Could you elaborate, I am a little confused on to what two things you are referring too? The BC part?

@JustADude, I have told my girlfriend that I am not a virgin, I have told her I have struggled with PMO. I haven't told her the rest of the stuff in that spoiler for a certain reason. There is no benefit at all for telling her that. The only thing I gain is possible disgust and troubles by telling her. That is one part of my past that will never be apart of me again, so I don't want to burden her or tell her. All of it is between me and God, but I felt that the things in the former that I just stated, she should know about. However, the things in the latter are between me and God and will stay that way.

Thank you all for the support. While it is a secular site, and I completely understand and accept that - I greatly respect those who are here who are not secular and are not afraid to say it. Regardless of personal beliefs though, we are all here to fight PMO. Thank you all for reading!

God Bless

 

Okay! That is what I thought you had meant but I wasn't sure. It was probably me being sleepy more than your flow of text. Thank you!