My journal - stories from The Wife of a porn addict

Thank you Sun Bro. I appreciate you saying this. I know that you understand as you have been through all of this with your wife.

My initial reaction to that post was to exclaim out loud "fuck you!". What about my self worth and what I'm going through? I deserve better than this and why should I reward and console someone who has betrayed me, my marriage and my family?

Think Sun Bro hit the nail on the head here @Shutyourfap. You need to take a look at your own life and take responsibility for your own thoughts and action.

Your poor partner, she deserves much better.

 

Hello Fog,
Sorry it took me a while to respond but your post stirred up a lot of different feelings in me.

Congratulations on having the strength to do what you needed to do for you. It sounds like leaving was the right choice for you.

I see a lot of my story in what you posted. A lot. That does scare me as I really want my marriage to work.

I have stated to my husband what my boundaries are and now I am waiting to see that he respects them if he doesn't then we are finished. It is difficult to think that is what my future may hold. But I need to remain strong on this, it is non negotiable. For my own self respect, the respect of my children and to have a happy life.

I hope that he is following through on his recovery. Only time will tell. In the meantime, we have good days and bad.

I wish your all the best. And that you for taking the time to post. It means a lot to hear stories from others.

TW

 

So not much new has happened since my last post. No more baking adventures, thank goodness.

My husband went to the Dr this week for the STD testing, now we wait for the results.

He also gave me access to his phone, so I now have access to everything and can check if I want to. I haven't and I won't - I can't be the one to police his actions. Besides, he is much better at technology and would be able to hide his behaviors without any trouble. I don't want to drive myself crazy checking on him all the time. At least this shows he is being open.

Tomorrow is hubby's first appointment with the addiction specialist. I am nervous for him. I hope he is comfortable enough to open up. I worry that he will glaze over things or make them out to be not as bad as it is. If this is a real addiction counselor then they will no doubt see through that. I am excited to see what tools he'll come out with.

We continue to talk every night. I also wrote him a letter about everything I was feeling. His response was that he agreed 100%. He is taking responsibility for his issues. He wishes he'd seen the Ted Talks video sooner, and so do I.

For a long time I have been painted as the one who was 'boring' and a prude in our sex life. This is really not the case. Well, I guess it is compared to some of the videos he's been watching, but what women wants to do those horrendous things? That's not love, it's not sexy, it's degrading, it's violent and it doesn't feel good. I love sex. I have a high sex drive, well I used to anyway. I don't think I have ever said no to my husbands suggestions. But yet, I was the one to blame. Damn you porn, why must you distort everything! I think it was a construct in his head to make everything even more exciting and forbidden - part of the escalating behavior. We discussed it at length and we have plenty of spice, it's the intimacy that we lack.

So we put it to the test this week. Wow, I haven't seen him with a boner like that, for the entire performance, in years! There are many Ancient Greek statues that would have been jealous! There was nothing particular racy going on, but there was intimacy - and it was amazing. I did have a moment where I wondered If he was thinking of me, or if he was thinking of something he'd seen. I pushed that out of my head as it was obvious he was there, he was present in the moment.

I still have moments where I wonder if he is still clean. I also wonder if he has been completely honest, or if he is afraid if he comes completely clean he will lose me. Does this ever go away? It all falls under the trust category and that is going to be a difficult and long road to recover.

I have started "Your sexually addicted spouse" by Barbara Steffens. We have already done lots of the suggestions. I really don't think I have PTSD, a bit of relational trauma from finding out but nothing extreame. I was a bit shocked that partners used to be labelled as co-addicts. Seems pretty fucked up to me. I can see how someone who was aware of the addiction and turns a blind eye would fall into this category, but what about those, like myself, who didn't know? Now to find the time to finish the book.

I have been reading more stories here at NF. There seems to be such a difference between the older addicts and the younger people, who have been raised with Internet. My husband discovered porn at 8 years of age. I can't imagine an 8 year old seeing those types of things and the effect it would have on your psyche. It was an old VHS tape back in those days. Yup, we're old. It wasn't until he was in his 20's that he discovered internet porn. He has has years with it, and years without. There seems to be a corelation between his mental state and him using porn. This also relates to those years in our marriage where there were low points. We had both assumed it was other things that were the cause of the down times, and maybe it was, or was it the porn causing these other issues? It's a bit chicken and egg - did the porn cause it, or did he use the porn due to the problems? One thing is for certain, the high moments in our life seem to fall in the times without porn. We both agree on when these periods were and thinking of them brings floods of happiness for both of us. We've got a lot of happy memories in the 15 years we've been together.

I am starting to go through some new objectives for me. I need a plan for the next few years of things to work towards, to bring me enjoyment. It is a bit more difficult now with The Squeaky and The Dude. Whereas before we'd plan some travel, diving or other adventures, I now need to find more kid friendly plans. Not that I would change my kids, not for a moment. I just need to change my activities to adapt to things more suitable with babies. If any of you have 2 under 3 years of age, you'll understand the stress that simple activities, like eating out, can pose. If any of you have seen the comedian Michael McIntyre, I can relate very well to what he says. Time to get researching....


TW

 

Thank you @Madwithstars. It is a very hard line to walk. You need to be supportive enough to show they can come to you, but at the same time it is hard to be supportive when you cannot trust the person.
I told my husband that he needs to come clean now, if I find out that there have been any lies, even by omission, then we are finished. I did this as part of a list of things I needed from him. I just don't want a marriage based on lies and deceit.
Let me know how you go with making any improvements here. I'd love to know how to get past this feeling.

 

So hubby left yesterday for a week long business trip. I cracked. Had a little melt-down a couple of hours before he left. Must have been awful to see. Shaking and ugly crying - Not one of my finest hours. This is rare for me, I'm not a crier and nor am I so unsure and insecure.

I asked to see his phone. I just needed to confirm he wasn't lying to me. I needed reassurance in some form that he wouldn't play up whilst away. Well that didn't go well. I looked at his phone and internet history was turned off. But his fav site was listed right there in the spelling suggestions. He had said previously that he hadn't looked at porn on this phone. Now the story is that it was from before all this came out. I didn't confront him on this as he was just about to leave and I didn't want him to go on this note. So that back-fired in a big way and left me more insecure than before. I told him that whatever happens this week, please don't lie to me. We'll be talking about this a lot more when he gets back.

We still have a lot of trust issues. I am not sure how I can feel assured that he is telling the truth. I don't want to be checking on him and have made a point to give him his privacy. I expect him to tell me if something happens. I'm sure it will come to light without me checking, and besides he is more than technologically capable to cover his tracks. I don't want to be the crazy wife.

In other news, he had his first appointment with the counselor this week. He spent most of the time talking about why he was there, his history and answering questions. Pretty normal I would think for a first appointment. He will be going again once he gets back from this trip.

I have asked him to let me know what he needs from me in terms of support. He said that if we keep talking every day, that would help a lot. I hope he can get some suggestions from his counselor on what I can do to be supportive.

I told him I was writing here and showed him my first post. Not sure if he is following still. You here husband?

Apart from my little crazy ass moment before he left, I have been understanding and caring this week. Well, I think I have anyway. I have made a point to really listen to him and to voice my thoughts and questions as they come up.

I'm going to be spending this week thinking about what I want in my marriage and what I need to do for me. A week to clear my head will do me good.

Now off to entertain the mini people. They both have colds and are miserable. Lots of cuddles this week!

Take care everyone. Will check in soon.

 

It's 6am here and I am already on my second coffee. Squeaky and The Dude are both sick. They have been kind enough to take it in turns to vomit. Last night they were both in our bed. Lucky hubby was away, as there would not have been enough room for us all. Why do such tiny people take so much room in the bed? I wish I was on a business trip with a great hotel room and room service! Nope, instead, here I am with mop, bucket and bleach.

I think I come across as a bit of a nut job in my other posts. I would like to assure everyone in Internet land that I am the full quid and that I will not be shaving my head, a la Brittany Spears, any time soon. I have been using this site to vent, rather than giving hubby a verbal tongue lashing. It feels great to get it off my chest.

@warriorofthelight70 i'm working on being optimistic this week. Everyone says that if he lies, I'll be able to tell. I guess I just don't trust my instincts right now. I just have to remain supportive to give him the best chance to beat this addiction. Harder said than done unfortunately.

@aziz you are right. It took 20 years to develop this addiction, it is going to take much longer than 3 weeks to fix his issues. I have been very conscience not to fall into the policeman type role. It would do neither of us any good. Well done for trying to be a being a better person - it is already working. You have been honest with your fiancé, you're working on your recovery and your are helping Internet strangers with their issues. Keep it up!

I have been speaking to hubby briefly each day. He doesn't have much time as he is doing some long hours. We haven't discussed our issues since he has been away, it is difficult to go into all of it via phone and with limited time. We'll catch up properly when he gets back.

I miss him. The house seems really quiet without his loud crazy antics.

 

@halfm I misread you post at first...I thought it read your daughter wrecked your van with her projectile vomiting. Running through my head was yup, good way to distroy a new car. Then I reread it and realized you had a pretty dreadful weekend.
Your lucky to have such a strong and understanding wife. In my head I know that this is his issue and it doesn't reflect on his love for me. But then my heart says how can you love someone and shut them out with the secrets and shut them down with no intimacy or sex. I hope to get to a place where I am as understanding as your wife. Hopefully with a bit of time....

@Traci Thank you for the tip. Will pass that on.

Well, one more room in the house for the kids to be sick in and I can yell BINGO. They are ganging up on me. Tag team style! The house is a disaster. I feel like I need to pop down to the local police station and get some police tape to seal it up. That bad. Instead, I am going to raid the cellar - I see a Chateau Neuf du Pape with my name on it. Don't worry everyone, I drink rarely since the munchkins arrived and only in moderation.

Cheers!

 

The Husband is back. He arrived back on Saturday morning with croissants for breakfast. Yummy! It feels great to have him back in the house. We all missed him.

The house has returned to some semblance of order and cleanliness after the week from hell. There is still a trail of toys winding its way through the entire house, somewhat like the path of destruction left behind by a tornado. But I have learnt to live with that, except for the Legos - those little bastards have no give in them whatsoever when you step on them.

Things are going much better this week. Hubby and I caught up after not being able to talk properly whilst he was away. He said he has not misbehaved with P during the trip - and I believe him. He did get woken up at 3am with a burst water pipe in his hotel room and had to change rooms, and used M to get back to sleep but did not look at porn. Does that qualify as a reset? I feel like he is being honest and I am going to trust him on this.

We have spoken about how he is going with his recovery and he is using the thought of losing us as the deterrent. Every time thoughts enter his head he thinks of some of the broken families we know and the stories that come from this. Just last week we visited a friend who broke up with her partner and she was telling us about how their 5 year old cries because he misses his Dad. Very sad situation.

He has his next appointment with the therapist tomorrow. I am anxious to hear what she has to say and what her suggestions are for him. I have also asked if she can let him know if there is something that I can do to be of support, besides talking to him.

We spoke about an accountability partner and he is not keen on having to be there for someone else through their ups and downs. I can understand that and can support his decision. He will be installing the accountable2u software on his phone and will be adding me as the accountability partner. This is something I have resisted previously, my thinking was that it would make me the porn police. I have looked into it a bit more and it sends alerts when there is something questionable being looked at on his phone - this is easy and I don't have to see everything else he is looking at (which would be endless amounts of rugby websites at the moment, thank you Rugby World Cup ). On reflection I think this may be a good thing for me too, in that I will know if he is slipping up and if he lies. It might help with the trust issues between us.

Last week while hubby was gone my imagination ran a little wild. I couldn't help it. Thank goodness I was kept busy and didn't have the time to dwell on these thoughts. I feel a bit silly now for even thinking them. We did discuss this and he understands that it is hard for me.

Tomorrow I have a day off. No kiddies! It has been over 8 months since I have had a 'day off' and I really need it. So I am going to get a hair cut and then relax with a book and a cup of tea. I should catch up on laundry but fuck it! I also have a couple of job applications to do. They sound like really interesting positions. I just hope my brain has not turned to complete mush since being a stay at home mom. I used to be very capable in the corporate world, now I am not so confident. I'm sure it's like riding a bike, right?

I feel good today. I feel lighter. Like some of the weight has been lifted. It was soul crushing for the first few weeks and it is exhausting to live like that. I'm sure we'll still have ups and downs. For now, I am taking it one day at a time and I am going to remain positive.

 

Today is another day. I am determined to make it a good one.

Yesterday I felt rubbish. I'm tired. Running this house is not easy - cooking (including new inventive ways to hide vegetables in food that will get eaten),cleaning, washing, providing endless entertainment.... I am looking forward to going back to work so I can rest. Unfortunately there are not many positions for my field where I am at the moment. Cross your fingers everyone that something comes up. We are fine financially to stay like this for a while, but for my sanity I want to get out of the house.

Husband had his second appointment with the therapist on Wednesday. They focussed a lot on his parents and growing up. They also spoke about some of the changes that have happened over the past couple of years, husbands father dying, kids arriving, etc. She has given him a lot to think about in terms of why he automatically is attracted to certain things in his life and how he escapes from difficult situations. He is usually pretty exhausted after those sessions and has a lot going through his head.

One thing he said to me was great, upsetting, but still great. He told her he has been thinking a lot more about me rather than porn. He said he's coming back. I cried when he said that. I knew this already but it was nice to hear him acknowledge he was gone. I think I frighten hubby when I cry as he think he is hurting me with what he says, but it is more that the hurt is already there and I am just letting it out. I tried to explain that but am not sure he completely understands. I am not usually a crier. It is rare. I have been crying a lot lately and that is probably unsettling to see. Not just because of the ugly scrunched up face, bright red eyes and snot (I admire those people who actually look cute hwhen they cry), but as it is not something that happens often.

The husband is coming up on one month with no porn. I am really proud of him. He is turning himself around, slowly, but it is happening. I have missed the man I married. It has been lonely without him.

We, and by we, I mean I, have started a 10 minute hugging rule. Each day we have to spend 10 minutes hugging. This just gives us some time to be with each other. No pressure for anything else. Just a moment to be affectionate with one another. Build up the intimacy the we have lacked. So far I am really liking this rule, and I think he is too.

I have decided to start organizing the chaos that is our home. You have no idea the amount of stuff that is spread over the house thanks to the kids and husband. Husband is actually worse than the mini people in terms of collecting things. Drives me nuts. Ages ago I bought a book about how to declutter, I read half of it, and then threw it to the side. I get the gist, take out everything, pick item out, decide if you love it, throw it away if you don't. Simple. I gave husband the synopsis a couple of weeks ago and he asked me to delay starting as he thought he may end up in the dump it pile. I think this will be a good activity to get my mind in order. Nothing like a good spring clean to help start afresh. I have always wanted one of those homes like you see in vogue living or the apartment therapy website. Wish me luck.

Keep strong everyone!

 

Thanks for the post @DireMerl
I don't know what is right in terms of checking on our partners. It has been something that I have gone back and forth on. He now has accountable2u installed on his phone. I get alerts if there is any fishy content being looked at. Someone mentioned "trust but verify" approach, think it was you @warriorofthelight70. I like the sound of it and so that it what I am going for. I don't want to control him. We do need to balance that though with being accountable. We only started this week so let's see how we go.
I wish you and your partner all the best. I hope you both stay strong.