Just been with a prostitute, didn’t have sex.

(Just a vent post cause I have no one to say this to)

I’m 18, I’ve been hitting rock bottom lately, so I finally decided to lose my virginity with a prostitute since I’m unable to find any girl that I share any common purpose or values with. I though “instead of pretending to be attracted to somebody just to masturbate with their body, I’ll be honest about it and go with a prostitute”. Well, it wasn’t as easy as that.

I always abstained from casual sex and hookups because I knew how humiliating the aftermath of sex with them would have been. With nothing left in common, having the previously mutual sexual attraction faded, I knew I’d be left laying next to a complete stranger, naked and humiliated, having gifted my body to someone I have nothing in common with, all for the sake of illusory, temporary sexual attraction and momentary satisfaction.

I already knew all this but I came to believe it was just fear that came from inexperience, hence I decided to gain such experience in the most “honest” way possible: with a prostitute and no veils of fakery and deceit in the way, but with a clearer, more honest purpose, with no lies on my part or hers just to get in each other’s pants.

So I called one prostitute and she sounded extremely bored, almost pissed at me calling her, which disturbed me, although I completely understand it. Then I called another prostitute, she was very outgoing and available, we set up a date and we met at her place. She looked nothing like the pictures, but more than that there was this strong veil of awkwardness, such as the one between strangers. I almost gagged at the idea of giving my body to this random stranger I just met and who cares nothing about me, but just about my money. At the end of the the day it’s the same thing with hookups, except the other person’s interest isn’t money, but just sexual pleasure, which is just as fleeting and momentary as a material good, just like money.

She invited me into my room, I told her it was my first time, however she was was very distant and asked for the money right away, so I told her I didn’t recognize her from the pictures and that I didn’t feel like doing it. Fortunately she was understanding and didn’t complain about me leaving.

This happened half an hour ago and I’m sorta humbled by the experience, it was quite sobering and I’m grateful for it because it confirmed my concern towards casual sex through experience. It may sound fun and exciting but in reality once you really get into it it’s quite disturbing if you have even one gram of sensibility and dignity in you. It’s just like masturbation, just with someone’s body, and it leaves you empty and miserable just like masturbation does. This slavery to sex and pleasure isn’t worth any amount of money or any amount of pleasure, and I leave this to anyone who may be thinking about getting into casual sex or even going with a prostitute to “gain experience”. I’m very grateful for not having even felt the instinct of stripping in front of this stranger, let alone having sex with her, and I have to say I have a new found calm from this experience, almost like a serenity towards all this FOMO when it comes to sex and losing your virginity. I don’t care anymore to be honest, I’m seeing again how valuable it is to invest in myself and to be self sufficient and free. If I ever find a woman that I have a deep communion of purpose and values with, then I’ll be grateful to make love to her, but not as the end purpose of our relationship, but just as a step of intimacy in it.

Stay safe everyone