Self Control, Impulsiveness and Discipline

Self control is 100% a learned skill, and can be learned at any point in life. Granted, probably harder as we get older.

Here's what I do to get over the procrastination issues that stop me doing something I want to.

1. Prepare ahead of time. Things like putting your clothes out ready if you're getting up early for something, have the shoes at the front door, a drink ready to go, etc. The more excuses you can remove from the equation the better. Make it easy to follow through.

2. Start small and work up. Make your bed. When you do get up straighten the covers, put pillows back on etc. It's amazing the impact doing one thing will help you to then do another, and another. Live off the small successes.

3. Cold showers. Cliché but it works if you do it right. It's not about conquering urges at this point. I stand in the shower with it on cold and talk to myself that's its cold, it's not going to be pleasant, I put my hand in the stream of water to acknowledge its cold. Turn around so your back is towards it, breath deeply but calmly for at least 30 seconds to let all those feelings sink in. Inhale, hold it and SLOWLY step back in to the water. Here's the hard part... relax and breath out SLOWLY. Accept the discomfort.


You might only get 10 seconds to begin with but keep doing it and building up. Aim for at least 2mins. What you're doing is psychologically reinforcing that you might not want to do something but have the mental strength to do it anyway. That's where superpowers come from.

 

Since we've had this discussion already in another thread, I would urge you not to dismiss the existence and effects of sexual addiction. It's true that not everyone has the same levels of impulse control. And of course, in some practical sense, it's indeed the lack of impulse control that makes you return to porn. But most likely, the causation is reversed here. I can confidently say that one of the most serious problems everyone here has is their inability for self-control. Unfortunately, this often translates to other areas of life as well - besides porn use, as I'm sure you've experienced (e.g. binging on drinks, or food, or being easily irritable and angry, etc.) Do you feel you always had trouble with this? Even when you were young?

There are several scientific studies, which you can find on YBOP site, which show that addictions can have detrimental effects on the prefrontal cortex (what they call hypofrontality), and how these are correlated to poor impulse control/self-regulation (e.g. https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/too...-your-brain-sensitization-and-hypofrontality/). This is not very surprising, as we train our brains to act on instant gratification, through easily accessible rewards (as porn). However, long-abstinence and recovery can help reverse a lot of these changes back to your normal baseline.

There are several things we can do to improve our self-control, as already suggested. Having a schedule, as @Subbyhubby suggested, seems to be very helpful to regulate your behaviors and activities, as you don't have to rely so much on your will power, and can even increase your motivation. What's important here, is to set goals that are realistic, and which will give you back some kind of reward. As already said, starting small and building up is key. Another thing you could try is meditation (mindfulness). Meditation is by design a practice that helps you strengthen your attention and self-control. If you're interested in topics like these, I would suggest to have a look at the HealthyGamer channel on YouTube (in case you don't know it). The psychiatrist that runs it has some of the most brilliant advice on these topics.

I'm glad to read that your son has a great self-control. One of the most robust findings in psychology is that kids exhibiting high levels of self-control are the ones that tend to have the most successful and happy lives (this is actually the best predictor, and has been tested already from the age of 3-4, with the marshmallow experiments). But I don't think we should despair, as this is not an innate property of ours. We just need to work hard towards a healthy way of life again. If we manage the addiction, the symptoms will eventually dissolve.

 

That sounds harsh. But I'm glad you've won the fight against smoking!

Did you find meditation to be helpful? (in the specific matter or overall). I'm trying to practice in a systematic way for few years now, but I haven't seen any great effects (maybe some increase in my self-control when I get angry).

It seems that there is a general tendency to overindulge in substances. However, a low impulse control - whether 'more natural' in your case, or developed by addictions - may still be part of the story. Dealing with the practical aspects of a compulsion (i.e. the behaviors and the rituals associated with them), is most often the focus of these discussion (in terms of cognitive/behavioral/environmental tools). But I think it's also worth noticing that there is a personal aspect in all of these compulsions as well. Trying to figure out what was the role of these substances in your life and what made you maintain them can also be important in tackling this problem. For many of us, such compulsions were reinforced by the lack of healthier ways to regulate our emotional problems. So, in some sense, you can think of these substances as emotional management tools.

Thanks for sharing