25 day status update

rl who has a child and they both seem pretty happy. Ack. Caught in the middle. Don't know for sure, still riding the line between good judgement and open-mindedness.

But yeah, it's been weird realizing that I'm not craving porn or masturbation like crazy anymore. In fact it has made me a little anxious. I know it will definitely take time to get used to. But I finally feel like I'm living in the real world. And it's so fucking cold. Like literally cold. I don't want to go out and do anything! I've also been feeling a little aggressive at times and a little inconsiderate. Sometimes I have been a little stressed too. I feel like I have been making shit happen rather than being trapped in my own head, but I have also been stressed about it too because I'm not used to doing that.

To be honest though, I can't really complain. Before today I probably wouldn't have even thought of doing my private journal entry when my gf was home. I would have been so afraid that she would catch me and want to read it. But recently I have been lacking a lot of fears that I used to have. If I have to work with potentially dangerous dusts (long term effects) or chemicals I always do my best to suit up but am not really afraid of them anymore. I feel like I have been constantly stimulating myself recently because I can't sit still and be complacent. This is a lot of rambling, but this is how my mind has been.

I don't think I have ADD or ADHD but this feels like another transition period in my life. Like she just came in and wanted to read it but wouldn't say it and I wouldn't concede. Something she does quite often that makes me leery on this relationship is that she goes out super late to smoke with her friends, and to be real all that makes me uncomfortable. I've brought it up before to no avail, so I know we will not last forever this way. I also feel like in public she has to be the center of attention, which does bug me. I sort of want her to only really care if I think she's special. Part of me had a convo with her about me just feeling like a placeholder in her life because of her constantly moving life. I don't particularly feel happy when she's out at night on weeknights and shit. She just got fired cause of her weed in the back of the store, so ig we'll see what happens.

Also, she has seen this forum. If you searched it up again just read that, or any of this, fuck you, break up with me immediately. I told you this was PRIVATE, only for people I will never meet in person to see!

I'm gonna get the anxiety out. I can't ever tell if she's just being friendly or if she's flirting with someone else. I think maybe I am the one who actually thinks of her as a placeholder. I just hate hurting other people, so I hurt myself instead. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders now that I know I don't have to be with her together both with my head and my heart. I do want to experience that threesome with 2 chicks she was talking about though.

I feel like my life is night and day difference compared to what it used to be. I am constantly doing new, uncomfortable things. This is what I asked for. And I am seeing all that life has to offer little by little. Starting with the boring responsibility essentials and slowly moving into the more fun stuff now that my dues are being paid. I do know something now. Dating a stripper was not the move. I want to be able to look at my future wife, whoever she is, like she's a very pure person. I don't feel that with my gf. I feel an emotional connection, sure, we dance and have fun and make a good team. But I don't feel like I could have a romance with her, it feels more like a sexual alliance ig. Now that I have gotten the anger out, her personality traits are not bad. If I think of it more like a sexual alliance it doesn't hurt me that much, but my fucking mental loyalty gets in the way of me doing this. My mind is freaking racing. Sometimes I wonder if I will always feel this way, no matter who I meet. Will I always nitpick every one in my life and find reasons to tear them down? Will I always have things I dislike about people? Will I only write down their negatives when I'm emotional, so people on the internet think that I am a hateful person? I hope not. I hope I fall so deep in love that I can't see a flaw with someone. I hope I find someone that checks all my boxes:
Pure as they haven't had sex outside a serious relationship (body count <5 is reasonable for my age)
Selective for flirtation only with people who they see as serious matches
Honest about what they can and can't do
Not a terrible financial liability (all women I've had relationships with have been to an extent, so maybe there's a unicorn out there somewhere or I've had bad luck)
Has similar interests to me in that they want to explore the natural world, enjoys a little of every genre especially heavy metal, likes to have conversations about thoughts and ideas, into fitness, and wants a decent level of traditionalism in the relationship
Is sweet enough to ask about my day and emotions, and seeks my affection and attention

I kind of feel like an asshole to be judgemental enough to say that I need to evaluate people before developing a relationship with them. I've tried going with the flow, and it doesn't really work for me. I am picky, and I just need to finish accepting myself. If this wired attitude is really here to stay then I better get used to chasing the life I want.

Let's take a step back to see how well we've done!
We have successfully kicked the addiction and the tendrils of control you felt porn have over you.
We have taken care of ourselves ever since we moved out.
We have managed to slowly cut our costs back and work a realistic amount for the current bills we have.
We have continued to teach ourselves new skills for 9 months, ever since we've been broken up with.
We have continued to work hard.
We found a new hobby.
We made a girl cum like a motherfucker!
We have maintained having a car to drive, and two that are being worked on. The continuing to do side-projects is huge.
We have avoided laziness and the "I-can't-do-this" attitude that plagued use when we were younger.
We have crafted a strong personality for ourselves that others respect.
We haven't lost our sense of humor.
We don't buckle in the face of hardship anymore.
We have continued to hit the gym at least 3 days a week, and do at least minor workouts 5 days a week.


Good job E.
I only want you to do these few things tomorrow:

Go to the gym and do a leg day.
Get your welder the part it needs.
Make sure you cook dinner.
Get hangers and hang up your coats.

That's all that absolutely needs to happen. Things that would be nice:
Weld the rest of the frame on that car.

That's all that is on the priority list. Good night.

 

Just realized something. Reading Ed Latimore's motivation to change website and realized I sat next to him on a plane when I got kicked out of the military. If only I had known who I was sitting next to. Someone with a hell of a lot of answers to life.

I'm proud of leading the life I want to live. But I'm disappointed in myself today and last night. I blew the gasket on my dad's truck and felt bad about it but he did his usual freak out "I hate you" shit. I spent awhile with my head down and when I finally manned up a bit and said I wasn't trying to ruin his life, he left it alone. In fact, I feel bad because it took me a minute to remember my worth. Because he always tries to find a way to tear me down. Manipulative bastard. I don't want to be a convict, a junkie, or have failed relationships like them. I want to be better.

2023 will be my year regardless. I fell back into porn today after feeling useless at work this morning. Purposeless, they don't need me here, just because I was bad at frying chips and the conversation wasn't as good today. I need to be okay being alone sometimes without running to cheap pleasures.

I am doing good as to who I want to be. Who is that? My technical skills are related to automobiles, but I want to be able to do things quickly without having to spend so much time thinking it out. Like with my manager at the HVAC company. Like I've seen it before, do things professionally. I want the same thing with HVAC, and I want to do that online real-estate school and come off professionally in the course and when I get my license. I want to be organized and eat healthy (already doing decently there ). I want to get back into lifting. Although I've lifted enough to maintain my muscle mass I want to be into bodybuilding, fighting, and running. Baby steps. There is only so much time in the day. But I want to make an effort to plan school and workouts into my life and not always be alone in them. Although I have done good with being more social, I need to find a healthy balance.

I am probably going to head to my other job in seven minutes. I have a few calls to make to keep my integrity. I have done good on my project doing something completely new. Fucking trailer! Should've taken it easier. Also blew up and said "Stop helping." to my gf last night. That NEEDS to stop. I am a grown ass man, I can't always be so emotional and treat people like shit.

Life is a roller coaster but I need to be the strength and stability I have searched for. Don't get me wrong, I have done very well building a more stable life than when I was with... others... but my emotional stability was based off of not setting boundaries. Now, I have set a few and it has been hard to enforce them but it needs to be done nonetheless. I can continue fighting being "too nice" by keeping on building what I want.

I did good at this by saying I can't come up today but tomorrow I can figure out the trailer and Saturday the truck. I think you nailed it there. Still integritable but not bowing down with sorrow because you made a mistake. She is right, he has another car, he is just incredibly dramatic and bitter. I understand that he's pissed that it broke, and I want to fix it because I feel bad. But also, he treats me horribly when I do mess up. That is not okay and I've caught myself doing the same. This needs to change.

Okay. I feel as if that is enough self-analysis for the day. I am still attracted to that girl from work and we'll see what she thinks of my lil gift for her. However, I'm not going to bend over backwards, I think I'll keep working on myself financially and emotionally and see where that takes me. If she is a match, awesome! If not, that sucks but I already had a relationship anyways. Regardless of her pretty gaze, if she is going to be a problem for me, I am not interested.

Boundary for today: She will bring that remote from her friends house back today. And we will clean the living room. Personal goal? Clean my truck. Alright. That's enough!

 

I am making plays to make things better!!! On the phone right now!

Not giving myself enough credit or flack. I am too nice sometimes, and to the wrong people. My boss is one of the most giving people so that's fine, my gf is fine sometimes but partying too much is my biggest pet peeve but I manned up and addressed it. I worked through all my hypothetical situations and I couldn't have anything but a casual relationship with a girl who doesn't want kids. I can't live with someone if they constantly want to go out. I need someone as focused on creating financial and emotional stability as I am. And I don't care what no one thinks.

I do set boundaries but with bank and computer passwords mostly. Timeframes could use some work. But you are taking care of YOUR business and given your age? You're doing well. Just try and shave soon and you will be okay. Got to go. Peace.

 

Doing well, can't complain.

Talked to the girl from work, gave her her gift, shot my shot, and got shot down. No matter. Really just want to vent my feelings. A) I feel like a POS because I do have a girlfriend, but this girl was like a 10 to me. Had everything I was looking for. B) She made it sound like most of it was because I have a girlfriend. I should stop listening to my idiot friends. They might fuck around on their girls but I feel so guilty doing the same. I need to stop. C) The way she handled it doesn't help because she handled it so kindly and maturely. I really hope I didn't ruin things. I thanked her for taking the gift and being so nice before I left, and told her she is a better person than I am. I truly feel that way. She has a warm smile, inviting eyes, a hot body, long red hair, actual morals, empathy, assumed loyalty, and honesty. You really don't find them like that very often. And she might even like Slipknot. I don't feel too bad, because I really felt like she could've been the one. It just sucks though, because I don't think I fucked up on the signs. I just didn't have my morals in order, and I blew it because of that. I don't blame her, I blame myself. I wouldn't want to be with a potential cheater either.

I mentioned the age gap and she immediately steered the conversation to "...and you have a girlfriend." I have a feeling that I hit a sensitive spot there. I do feel bad because my relationship has gotten much better too. My gf doesn't deserve this, and that girl doesn't deserve this. I feel like I deserve to be alone for awhile. But god either gave me what I deserved in advance or it is coming. I'm sorry god. I'm sorry for my mistakes.

I can't get a call back for work yet. Down in the dumps in my head but my heart is somewhat triumphant. I'm proud because I at least tried this time instead of resigning myself to failure. That's something. Go ahead and try to make a friendship with that girl at least, since it means that much to you. But maybe next time you need to be honest with both girls. I would have broken up with her had the answer been yes. But I don't think she realized that and the morals you DO HAVE. There is nothing you can do but communicate with people, so go ahead and do so. If the answer is no again, you really haven't lost at anything.

 

Well, can't say I'm happy. I always feel paranoid because someone is reading this, but it's a step out of self-isolation. I can't help but be fucking angry at that chick. Now everything is supposed to go back to fucking normal. Stupid fucking hoe. She hasn't done anything wrong. I'm just angry at the feeling of rejection and not being good enough, not really her. As much as I try to keep things friendly and cool and civil, I just couldn't look at her today. Fucks with my head. I only did that because I thought she was the one, but she obviously wasn't if I'm feeling like this. Fucking women man. I feel like I would be better off without them, but blue balls is a problem too.

Serves me right. What I'm afraid of I did. That's funny. Not haha funny. But funny. There really isn't that much to be afraid of. I own it. I'm proud of it in fact. Because all of you can watch me on my descent. Or ascent. I am so angry right now. But deep inside angry. Not surface level want to punch you in the face angry. But angry in my soul. It takes away from the hurting, that's the only reason for it. I just feel like I'm not even good enough for a used meth person. And I'm not.

I'm only good enough for myself. I don't want to be good enough for anyone but myself. I have been feeling that more and more recently. I've cared less about people and people pleasing. Hopefully that doesn't make me psycho or socio. But all I really care about recently is myself and ig my dog. The ones that actually need me. No one does. Except me and him.

This is a ramble. Better the page gets filled rather than unleashing on someone else. I have been working on me too. I don't know why, but I feel like my life is fuller and more satisfying when I have this in me. I don't think it's the hate of others, no I think it's the intense self-love I feel when attacked by someone else. Because then instead of tearing myself down I will mentally build back up.

I hate how women feel the need to be nice even when letting down. A simple "not interested in you like that" would do instead of fucking mind games. I don't want to talk to that person ever again. God damn. At least I'm straight with people. Except I'm not. I do the same thing, so maybe I should change that. Then, I would understand more where they're coming from because you don't want the other person to hate you. That would make life much more difficult. Eh, she really didn't do anything wrong. I did. Maybe I deserve to be alone...

I wonder why I never got what I deserved. I thought I'd be in prison, or a job I hate, or with someone who hates me. But I don't have any of that anymore. I'm so fucking paranoid. I've always thought people were out to get me and I don't even have a fucking reason anymore. I isolate and isolate because of it and I don't care what anyone thinks. But it always makes me feel alone. No one gets it. No one.

I don't know why I am so emotional today. Thanks for reading if you read this. It is a bunch of jargon.
Now that I remember where I am, porn has lost control of my life. Once I got a smartphone again I indulged thrice, but I wouldn't consider them relapses because I did it mostly because people around me were talking about it being okay (not in front of them). But I don't feel any desire to use because of emotions recently.

People are awesome and terrible. They'll tell you about their experiences but don't want you to be an experience.

I feel so poor. Now I understand why motherfuckers go out and lease or get a car loan for a brand new car. To impress women. I will always be fine with a beater. But that feeling of judgement, fuck her for that. Totally unnecessary. Sorry I don't have a piece of property so I can actually build a garage to keep something nice. Go fucking die. Die person die. Die die die. look at the sky. and die die DIE.

Maybe that's a little much. Maybe I handle everything well with my ego and my superego is the one that is insane. I think that's the case. Because I haven't noticed myself let anything slip because I keep things down so well. People don't care about people like me. Not a cute little kid, so unbridled emotions aren't cute, aren't desirable. So maybe I'll feign control in public, but self-isolate. Self-soothe. Maybe I don't want a family after all. Maybe I just want to have kids with a girl and pay child support and go to the park or movies or fishing with my kids one day. That sounds like a better deal to me.

I think I've been hurt too much. Sometimes I think companionship is overrated. But I'm being dramatic because I'm in a great relationship. Maybe I was just scared because I knew she could do the same exact things if she wanted to. In fact I think that was it so I clamored for some sort of power. And you have it. The way that girl rejected you, it was because you're in a relationship. It took you like a day to get a match on tinder way back when, and you posted unflattering pictures of yourself. You are attractive to outsiders as much as you don't want to think so. Why is that? Maybe because then I feel a responsibility to talk to people rather than doing it because I want to.

But the moment I feel looked down upon by someone, I'm fucking done with their shit. Don't fucking push my buttons. Don't do it. I fucking am about to break.

 

Life is back and forth. When I'm alone can't help but think of that girl. But around others, I couldn't give a shit less. I think it's just a "I see her on facebook" kind of deal. I'm reading this article that is making me realize some of my flaws, but in a more self-reflective than shaming way. I am obsessive. Not overtly, but internally so much so. I need somewhere to get it out.

I have no idea how this other person sees me. But they haven't been here to witness this internal struggle so I am probably good. I like feeling respected and I only blew up on them the other day for feeing disrespected. I wasn't about to put up with it either. I feel SO MUCH BETTER now that I told someone. I need to talk to more people, that is one other flaw I realized.

 

I did better with the habit of obsession today. Whenever I caught myself, I forced myself to move on. I've also been holding myself more accountable for the negative fantasies and it is getting better.
Recently I've been grappling with a lot of seemingly unjustified anger. But this anger is towards other people, because it seems like no one is like me and wants to hang out with me. It seems like everyone else always comes first. I just view most women as used. I think I have a lot of anger towards my gf built up for this that I don't truly think is unjustified. How are you 21 and have a body count above 10? And claim they were all relationships? You were used that many times? No. You're a fucking person who can't be in a relationship. And I'm only here because I can't stand up for what I want in life. So you know what I'm gonna do? I am going to force her to be perfect in every way otherwise give her fucking hell. For the life she has lived that I haven't gotten the chance to experience.

God I hate myself for not having been with a ton of girls. But look at yourself man. You couldn't keep a stable job, you were always jumping. You can't seem to find a reliable respectable vehicle because you totally rejected any loans whatsoever. You have to realize that everything comes with its costs.

But I hate the way she talks about it like she's more social than me. Recently I have felt like I don't want to be in this relationship because what will it bring for me? Retarded children? Half my months' rent paid? A lack of opportunity to be with girls while I'm twenty fucking one? A messy house? Laying awake at night WAITING for her to get back? Or even more arguments? I'm just so fucking tired of it. We have nothing in common, I see her as a ratchet person, and she has one hell of an attitude. If you're serious and not just venting, let's make a pros and cons list.

Pros:
Everyone likes her outgoingness
Redhead
Sweet little gifts
Saves money, not addicted to spending
Short
Doesn't have endometriosis
Laughs a lot
Blue eyes
So down for me it hurts to try and criticize her
Forgiving
Says she's never met anyone like me.


Cons:
Ex-stripper
Drug dealer
Stoner
Always gone, especially at night
Attitude
Messy
Sassy
Not the smartest
No life-plan
Body count 10+
Moved in without even asking.
Either forgetful or just straight up lies.
I feel like my emotions I have when I'm critical of her make me a girl because I think she's dirty and has no direction. On all the TV shows it's usually the women that are critical of the men who party not the other way around...

Now that I lay it down without all the memories in front of it, I can see more clearly. If this next time trying to work things out doesn't work out, I think I might have to end it. I don't want this stress right now, nor would she care about me if it weren't for past negative experiences. I just want more experiences before I settle down, I don't want to be old and fucking hate everyone and everything. Maybe I hate people and players so much because I feel that I will never get to be them. Huh. Because I feel like I'll be the hurt instead of the aggressor. That's what it is. For the good of the other person, I have always conceded my power.

A few things about women always frustrate the hell out of me. They want to be in a closed relationship where everyone feels okay. But then they'll flirt with people all day, even right in front of your face. If the guy who notices this then advances on her, he's a creep. On the flipside, if the boyfriend notices this, he's a jealous asshole.

Maybe that's extreme to categorize all women like that, but recently it has felt that way. I'm sure there are tons of good women out there, maybe I've just been looking in all the wrong places. I'm sure there is a girl out there who is considerate to their partner but not to the point of disrespecting themselves and throwing their life away. Who is nice and will have a conversation but will not flirt and lead on just to have attention. Now that I say this I can think of a lot of people in my life who are like this. I think my frustrations led me astray.

What I actually want is someone whose personality matches mine without a whole lot of "training" or trying to mold them into someone I can live with. It feels so artificial and wrong to try to force someone into a mold of what my partner should be like. I would like it much better to just find someone who has the same morals I do. But what are your morals?

1) Killing and violence are necessary only when the enemy is irredeemable.
2) Loyalty should be prized as highly as beauty and intelligence.
3) You should feel a need to get a real job and produce something for the world. Life has fun but has work too.
4) Fucking outside of relationships is wrong.
5) A real friend is a friend no matter how much time has passed.
6) The world is tough, but you have to be tougher than it.

See I have violated some of my own morals recently, which is likely where a lot of this self-hatred stems from.
I do also enjoy when girls are well-put together and have standards for cleanliness of the house/apartment and themselves, aka good hygiene.
I do enjoy when girls are snuggly and want to cuddle all the time and do the cute shit from tiktok videos.
(She doesn't do either)
I do also enjoy people who don't fucking burp like a yeti.
(same deal)

I have been taking my anger out on her recently (a week ago to about 3 days ago) and I know it is wrong. I just want to feel safe and excited about life again. Maybe a relationship doesn't offer me the security I thought it did. I don't want to be bribed with the promise of a three-way to just be unhappy. Hopefully things change soon or I don't know how to feel.

I go full well saying that I know everyone has flaws, and mine are enormous. I'm antisocial, aggressive, and lack the discipline to meet my potential. I am not hypocritical because I am just as hard on myself. I am also very strong, intelligent, gritty, empathetic, patient, resourceful, funny when I feel comfortable, and adaptable. I don't think a lot of people could have done what I've done at my age. I think many people would have killed themselves leading the life I have led. And I truly feel that way. But I haven't and I keep hope and I think that's my best quality.

I used to feel physically weak, now I am strong.
I used to feel dumb, and now I feel intelligent.
I used to feel helpless, and now I feel like I'm the only one with a plan.
I used to feel soft, now I feel tough.
I used to feel impatient and impulsive, now I feel wise.

And since I feel antisocial now, I will feel social in the future.
I will feel comfortable.
I will feel satisfied.
I will feel experienced.
I will feel assertive.
I will feel powerful.
I will feel wealthy.
I will feel good enough.

 

Outlook makes a huge difference. Also, venting does. I realize how fucked up emotions make your thinking when I read back through this.
Sometimes I am very judgmental. I am this way out of fear. Sometimes this is a necessary evil, but I need to learn to control it and think rationally.
If you were able to control your sexual urges so wholly, you can control your anger.
I was thinking about how to just get up and do it. So, I decided I am going to try lifting before work for once. Tomorrow at 8 I will be in the gym, so I can hit work by 9. I will take care of reading and learning my trade skills in the meantime.

I never believed that the machine would reach my friends and I in high school. But it did, it has reached us all. Now it seems that a lot of things are about wealth acquisition for the purpose of impressing women. I just want to know things. I believe I could be super productive and that way if I truly put my mind to hustling. I just have to do it. And tomorrow, I will start. I'll focus in and see if the rest of this winter can be put into certifications and just building a comfortable bubble before I focus on expansion of wealth. I think an emergency fund is in the works as well as finishing those 3 cars before winter is over. That is a good plan my friend

Sometimes I feel the need to rush it. But how long did it take before the taunting of porn exited your psyche? About 3 years from when you seriously committed yourself, and 5 years from when you realized you had a problem. Real change took time. And you did rewire your brain to enjoy hard things. You are ahead of a lot of people who came from your circumstance, but behind the others who didn't suffer from that. But you are closing the gap by the day.

While others might be enjoying themselves on vacation, you are acquiring the skills you need more and more to run a business and know what the hell you are talking about. You've fully understood the interconnectedness of the corporate American world and how it works. You have learned a lot about socializing too! It's only a matter of a few months until you have the knowledge you need. What you need now is discipline.

But how do you develop discipline again? Cast out excuses. You are caught up on sleep. You are fully recovered. You are not doing anything better by watching tv or by sitting there. Sometimes, you can come here or talk to someone to vent, it's more productive than sitting there thinking. And otherwise, do some work either for you or for your business.

It's awesome to feel like I'm caught up mostly with other people now. Smartphone, car to drive, and a full time job! Apartment keeps getting cleaner and more organized! I have my goals for the next few months: Keep learning, stay organized, stay focused (discipline), and control your emotions to prevent yourself from making a rash decision. Think about what will be best for your long term happiness, not just economics or what other people think will sound cool.

What do I want long term?
- To feel self-respect for my job and hobbies. To do something important for the world.
- To feel experienced and well rounded sexually and emotionally.
- To have a few fun social life experiences.
- To travel to climb, bike, swim, and adventure around the natural world.
- To be smarter than the guy next to me.
- To allow for fun stuff more in life and back off being a workaholic.
- To build a bunch of cool projects. This means construction-wise, car-wise, and the helicopter!
- To create wealth so I can back off of working when I'm older.
- To find a partner who I can respect as a person and as a woman.

yesterday I was awfully mean in how I described my gf. She is a very kind, loyal, and patient person who is just more experienced than I am, and it makes me very jealous. She's also freaking beautiful, so I feel possessive and angry at the thought of anyone else ever having her. When it's too much I think about kicking her to the curb to avoid the hurt.

I'm glad I came here instead. I love her, and talking to... Neal... made me realize that I am lucky she is so down for me. If she ever cheated I would kick her out, but she hasn't done anything that has violated your boundaries since we came to an agreement. It was more so the negative fantasies. And we didn't have any today! I am riding HIGH on that!

I don't want to leave. This feels therapeutic. I am really proud of myself because I've developed these healthy habits while other people have developed unhealthy ones. I think this will take me far even if it seems ridiculous now. We have plenty of fortitude, good coping habits, self-reliance, restraint, financial plan, know-how, grit, social skills, emotional reading, and toughness that other people may be envious of. We are working on the extroversion, focus, and mental peace day by day. And it has worked wonders.

Okay. I need to go. This has helped so much. But being that this forum is about porn I feel I should drop my status on that.

I haven't watched porn in about 4 days. I did mostly because other people were making jokes about that being what my new phone was for. I enjoyed it but it didn't do what it used to where I felt like it was a superstimulus. I don't find myself craving it. I crave real sex more which is how I know my brain is rewired. The trigger words have no effect on me now. I am currently trying to transition into having sex way more, and was waiting for these days to come before doing so. I was afraid before because of PIED making it hard to feel turned on without the usage of porn. But that has disappeared and I feel great. I think that I will see the 2 week clean mark soon. And hopefully, I'll be having sex so much that I'll never use it again! On another note, I no longer count a masturbation as a failure. I think when I was very addicted to porn it would be images flashing through my head where I wasn't partaking. But now it is real memories that flash through my head. It is wayyyy different. But in general I try to avoid that. I guess we'll see how it goes. But most importantly, it doesn't control my life anymore .

 

Distressed. To say the least. Been relapsing because I feel like my world is crashing around me. Tried to get a mortgage today and realized that my setup at work is sort of shady. I need to be making more money from sidejobs or to just wait a long time for the income to equalize with what I'm making now but I'm starting to feel impatient. I feel like I have a bad habit of putting all my eggs in one basket instead of keeping my options open.

I was upset earlier but I realize that burning bridges is a bad idea. I'm gonna talk to him and try to get this tax stuff figured out, and figure out if being a payrolled employee is an option or if he could help me line up some sidejobs that he doesn't want to do. He has been talking about wanting to take time off anyways. I should also bring that up. Sometimes the work schedule is spotty.

I really need to get back out there and start hustling again. I'm going frickin crazy here and I've been home for a day and a half. Well I worked at Chipotle today, but that ain't shit. Painting wasn't such a bad gig, but now that I've failed I'm scared. I just want to make a respectable amount of money this year. I'm 20 days in and I've done jack shit. I need to change my attitude, and more importantly my actions. No one is going to do it for me. And I've fallen back into what I was trying to escape for so long.

You have been doing good at researching but bad at trying. It's almost like a give and take, you can't seem to integrate all the skills together. That management is a skill in itself. Learn this, and I think you'll be good. In other news, at least you are doing well at controlling your emotions.

I just want to get some of these projects done but haven't been doing them. Restrain yourself, you dream too big and end up putting the cart before the horse. Get off this site and finish what you started!

 

It’s been a long while. Life has surely changed. It’s not any better or worse. I bought a house back in July and spent months saving and preparing. It’s way out in the boonies. I spent all of the rest of my inheritance and stock profits on it. And I replaced the water heater straight away.

I’m so angry at the economy. Or maybe my situation. I started switching jobs because I had to drive 100+ miles for work. And places had managers who told you you’re getting paid less than asking with a smile on their face. I said fuck you and left. Now I have a new job where I have 3 months of training then I am making commission. Through the commission of my trainer he’s making a little over a grand a week post taxes. That would almost double my pay. I desperately need that because I’m drowning in debt trying to keep this place running.

I’m on a timeline here. My credit cards have APR starting in January. I won’t make enough at my day job until then, when training is over. My girlfriend is so so stupid. She doesn’t realize the situation and how it can get worse. She’s not stupid I’m just upset by her blissful ignorance of a debt trap. I wish she understood and could provide better answers than “we just need to work our jobs.” Like no, your $15 an hour is not going to help much with that, it will keep us afloat not outta debt.

There are so many things that are broken here. Maybe I need to stop being a perfectionist. Just throw the bolts back in that car and hope it works. That’s all I really can do anymore. Because I need to help myself no one else will.

as far as porn goes it guilts me to say I’ve fallen back in. I feel like I can’t do anything because getting out of here costs gas and time. But when I don’t know how to do necessary work and have no money to fix it I feel like a failure and indulge.

I have been working. It’s just not enough. I wonder if everyone feels this way. I did buy a house at 22 uproot my life and move far away. I do have two shitty broke down cars. I didn’t do things in the right order to be stress free. But I have avoided a car loan and such. I will rise. I will pull myself out.

I just need to vent. Let it all out. She keeps talking about kids. I want them. But I need to settle in and get things fixed up the way we want them first. My spirit feels so drained sometimes. Maybe I feel like a coward for the porn. For not being able to ball out. For not being aggressive towards some people. That’s what got my dad locked up though. For not pursuing some dreams. But there’s so much. I should feel that way. But not enough to interfere with my daily life. I’m doing what needs to be done not what I want. It’s an unfortunate part of being a responsible adult.

but I also see through a lot more bullshit than I used to. Like supporting Ukraine. Like greedy scumbags who think they’re better than you. Like people who think they’re better than you. And retaliating to put them in their place. I’m done taking shit when it’s not warranted. Some people need to stay the fuck away.

I’m still upset. Winter is almost about to come and I have so much to get done first. Winter is not prime money making season. But has all these fucking holidays. Expensive holidays. I don’t want to spend any money. I don’t want to go to your birthday party. I want to stay in my house and go to work and maybe go walk around the block and go for a run. It’s not that I don’t like you it’s just that you won’t do the same for me. Or when you do, you come out and complain about how far away it is. There it is. Now I feel some release. Fuck you, I’ve done more in three years with dead and disabled parents than your decadent ass did in 6 with the world on your side. With the world handed to you. I just have to keep believing. I know if I winter the storm life will open back up.

you remember a few years ago your list of things that needed done? They all got done. And yeah, there are major ones now. Support beams, cooling systems, electrification, breaker panels, doors, fixing windows, insulation, vents, etc. But you know how to do them and things have gotten better. And if you stop job jumping, career changing, moving apartments/houses, and fucking up your vehicles you will begin to settle down. Things are falling in line.

the amount of unpaid work I’ve done is insane. It’d be like 15k if I added it all up. That’s value I added to my own life. This is what happens when you want everything in the world. It’s expensive to learn things but you carry those skills with you.

it’s almost time to do something. This place is absolutely beautiful. I can’t believe I afforded it at my age and everything I’ve been through. I am so fucking proud of this place. I feel the weight of it, but I will rise just like this place. As will my future family and my dreams that are still alive within me. I pray to god every day now for strength. I noticed just how cowardly the people I used to hang around were last meeting. Except the ones who opted to start families. They seem like the only ones with any real direction in life. I am proud of myself for getting here, your fixes are not ghetto. Go out and do what needs to be done. You have good judgement.

 

It’s been awhile. Not too long this time. I’ll get right into it.

I have been more conscientious recently but I need to keep it up and get even better. That is the key to success, like when I was living in the L. That dumb b might have been exploitative but I was so focused and successful for a long part of that! I seek to recreate that level of discipline.

My job is sedentary atm because I have to accommodate my trainer but will change in a month when I’m on my own. What will I do? I’ll plan to go on runs, lift weights back home, and stay around the O to drop plugs for side jobs. I’ll also take the opportunity to catch up on some informational YouTube videos as well as read a few history books. I hear winter is the slow season anyways.

financial situation isn’t much better. My best efforts only result in me breaking even. BUT I did put that car 95% back together it just doesn’t want to start. Battery is fs good so I’ll have to fuck with the starter. That will save me a grip on cash!


My house is more orderly and my relationship better. I’ve been reading a lot about conspiracies in my downtime at work and it’s interesting but not really productive.
I suppose I should brainstorm a little more on what I can do differently, or keep doing differently to mold myself into who I want to be:
Don’t call in to work. Train yourself to live to work, and each day get closer to passions and goals.
Go for runs.
Go lift weights.
Read. History. Politics. Botany. Agriculture. Reopen some physics and call books. Run some of your practical ideas or try your hand at designing things. You wanted a CAD workshop in your garage, that can be a reality.
Drop leads for your water damage repair biz, make business cards, but it’s a moot point until you have a truck to easily transport the rock.
Bring your laptop and find an online income stream. Maybe how to’s on your current job when you go to a job or selling stock photos. Maybe cost estimates and business plans. Maybe just get current economic data from the government and analyze it.
Go for a walk and decode what species plants and animals are.
Ice fishing if I can steal a fishing pole.
Make a mobile mech ad
Pull a transgendered person at the scrapyard


besides these I’m really grasping at straws as to what to do to make my life fuller. It’ll be wintertime, I guess I could go snowboarding. That sounds fun enough. I don’t want to buy a pair of ice skates or anything. What else is open? Downtown they have that 30 ft deep pool. Oooo or diventures. Martial arts. I suppose once I’m out of this financial rut there’s loads of things to do. You could also read the Bible. Once you get you bike fixed go for a bike ride. Eventually way down the line rent a garage and build a plane idk.

as far as porn goes it has been down then up. No craving for the past 3 days. Huge binge before that though. Using the built in blockers now and the screen distance thing. Has receded to preferring my imagination. I’m hoping like before that will turn into a 30 day free streak. Only time will tell. Today I will do the exact same thing as yesterday. Go home and be conscientious about where I want my own life to go. 1 hr of work is all it takes.

my family relationships are great now btw

 

Update. The car cranks but no start. Redid the timing two days ago. Hoping to get off early to throw the valve cover back on and see if she starts or if the crankshaft even moves. Also need to check for spark. Fuel is good. Idk how to check for compression, need to research that! Honestly proud of myself for attempting to finish a job when I usually just quit right about now.

it’s so dead at work. 2 jobs this morning then nothing… I’m on track fs fs but this will take some adaptation. It’s important to stay productive. This is a huge leap into the real world and the possibility of real earned money rather than being an enslav3d joker your whole life.
Right now I’ll do that research then hop on YouTube. Should’ve brought a book. It’s Sunday so I can’t even do that paperwork. Did the new shit last night -_-
This is what comes from being disorganized tho. You’ve known for the past 6 weeks this time was a coming. No tools. No scrapyard. Only water pump is what you can order rn. Shop around. let’s see….
Friday I could’ve gotten more done if I had gotten out of bed at 9 instead of 10 and not gone on social media for 5 hours. Let’s work on that.
I’ll do it right now. I’ll do the compression research then the water pump order. That should be sufficient in not wasting my time later!

what else? I’ve been pretty happy with my life. I’m making minor progress financially and I am fixing things up piece by piece. Now if she doesn’t tear the house down trying to help that’d be nice.

plan out your van. ML and small machine… set up like j rock. But have your tools up the the ML. Milk crates for your stock parts, but you can’t have that setup and use your truck for Sheetrock anymore you’ll need another car, but that can wait! We have our hands full! One is about ready, one needs minor repairs, one needs a major one!

cars are becoming my life rn. It’s an escape to feel safe in that idk what I’m gonna do if I can’t be on the road to make money.

porn has been on and off these past few weeks. Nothing shameful just an indulgence. I hope to not crave it at all this coming week including today. She’ll be home the whole time which will help.

okay this was supposed to be a lil more productive but ig not. Good for throwing thoughts up.

 

Man it’s finally here. 12 brutal weeks of training is over tomorrow. Then I’ll be making my own money. Phew. There’s nothing better.
I shaved my head. I always had long hair till now. It’s different that’s for sure.
I’m different.
I am definitely competent just inexperienced.
Organization is my greatest weakness right now. I’d love to become more organized and thus more efficient. The flexibility of chaos is not appealing right now.
I need a gameplan here. I’m taking big step after big step here. And I still feel like a kid on the inside sometimes. I know all these people need things from me, expect them. And I’ve been getting better, but sometimes you need to say no. And that’s alright. Think about those people who didn’t even come to the door for you… for 10 minutes. They didn’t deserve help. Paying or not. I’m not going to bend or backwards to be a hero to someone who doesn’t give a shit.
I am doing better in my personal life. Talking to people is much easier. I’m not so afraid of everything anymore and can make up some small talk with a lot of different people. I don’t care when people aren’t exactly sociable when I’m talking to them anymore. I’ve become invincible.
But something I need to remember: My job is meritocratic. I won’t be at the top of the board from letting things slide. I need to get better day by day, job by job. Every time I do something I can improve.
I’ve been grttting stares from women in public since I shaved my head, coincidence? I think not. talking about you giggly Office Depot girl

but I love my girlfriend and no matter what the stress of pregnancy is the only thing making her be mean to me, and I’m loyal to her always.

well gents, that’s all I got to say right now. This is one of the few times I come here not out of overwhelming negative emotions, but a neutral feeling with a hint of triumph.

 

Oh, how time passes me by.

I wish I could have that positive attitude forever.

I haven't been doing too bad, just today, I can't shake this feeling of depression.

I have been going through it with my girlfriend. She had to switch her medicine due to her old one interfering with the pregnancy and her memory is just gone. She doesn't seem remember a damn thing from our life beyond the basic day to day and it is making me fucking depressed. I impregnated her, provide a house for her, take her where she needs to go in this time of her life, but she just doesn't fucking remember anything anymore. I don't even want her anymore. I can't overlook so many things that bug me about her like I used to be able to. I just hate being near her anymore. It doesn't help that her pregnancy hormones make her a bully to her friends. She tries to do the same shit to me and I shut her the fuck down everytime. I'm so fucking tired of her. I swear she is literally retarded and takes everything for granted. I want to leave her so bad. I'm going to let the devil on my shoulder keep talking. She doesn't work and there is a lot of financial burden on me right now. Now I am making decent money now, but I never planned for being the sole provider. That puts me in a crunch with paying off my credit card debt before the 0% intro APR comes ends. I just can't seem to find much in common with her. When we go on walks, she just complains, complains, complains. She doesn't brush her teeth and her breath reeks. She doesn't take anything seriously and when she does she freaks the fuck out. And she seems to hate small town living. And doesn't know a damn thing about the world. She seems to only want to ask people for money and doesn't understand that it is earned and no one should just give it to you. That really pisses me off. Especially when she complains about my job or when I actually go to work. Like woman, you need a piece of the real fucking world. Sometimes it makes me enjoy when she's miserable. Or, get this, when she COMPLAINS that I make too much money for us to get food stamps. Like, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! What the hell is wrong with you?!?!? Do you know how many people would KILL to be in the position I'm in at 22? Do you understand how well I am doing and how blessed I, and by extension, we, am/are? In the 21st century nearly everyone our age has major debt and few have the opportunity to be homeowners. But when everything is just handed to you, you become an ungrateful hoochie mama welfare queen I guess.

But where am I going to find another woman willing to live all the way out here with me? Who puts up with my unwillingness to submit to what they want me to do, does my laundry and is willing to cook dinner. That's a lot to ask in the 21st century for some reason. Who stuck by me even if she was a jerk through the bad times. And the good times. Who accepts all my friends. And who i assume has never cheated on me. And who accepts how much of a dick I can be when I am pushed too far. Who doesn't make me feel less than in any way. And thinks I'm funny when I'm being absolutely serious. That last one pisses me off actually.

In all reality this was more of a rant, and I do love her. That's why I have never left her and stood by her through all this. But my patience is wearing thin. I cannot deal with this forever child or not. The memory thing is huge to me. I didn't sign up for that. I could ignore the being entitled because it seems like I have met a lot of people like that. Maybe I'm like that and I just don't realize it. But if she doesn't recollect anything we've done together I can't have a relationship with her. I can give her the benefit of the doubt and say its the medicine but I can't raise a child with that. What if she just forgets we even have a kid. She doesn't recollect half the things we do together. And she could never do anything thoughtful because that would require her to use her brain. I'm so lost right now. It's like I feel like it's my fault that she doesn't live up to my expectations. But I'm unhappy...

On the inside, I'm trying to figure out whether I'm unhappy with myself or with her. I guess while I was with my ex, I convinced myself that I needed to do a million things, like quadruple major whilst still in college, to feel fulfilled. Really, I was just unhappy with her. I don't know if I'm the problem or they are. But it's probably me. I probably jump into things way too quickly.

I don't want to be alone. And I don't want to start all over. I really just don't know what to do. It would be wrong to show my future child a loveless marriage. Or a one-way marriage. Because with half the shit she does I don't know how I could even classify this as "getting-along." She gets angry with me often, and she takes it out by starting to yell at me, and it's over stupid shit like her walking into me. Or pouting over me telling her upgrading her phone is an unnecessary expense. IM. NOT. YOUR. FUCKING. DAD. I don't give a shit what you do with your money but I thought I was dating someone responsible. Things have never been 50/50 but you're failing to meet your half right now and will be for the next six months if nothing changes. And I know that you're carrying my child. But sometimes you really fucking piss me off.



Maybe in my head I just have a fantasy of how my life should be. Where we get along, have our disputes, but settle them without getting all emotional. Of reminiscing on the good days, and on the good days the bad. Where you actually feel someone's presence instead of a soulless husk standing next to you. :'(

 

I started a garden. I also started a little woodshop in my garage and have about half the tools I'll need. I installed an air fryer and refrigerator in my van. It's almost 8:30. I don't think I'm getting a job today. It's been cold so all I've done is clean up the house a bit and play games, and cook, and read random things here and there. I have been keeping my van more organized though!

This season is a tease. It gets warm but you're just gearing up for it to get cold again. I got my doggy to keep me company though. I like writing like this it helps me take the stress out of life.

A comment on the above post is that I know she loves me. She gives me all that she has even though she doesn't have a lot. She didn't make hardly any money but made a point to pay me whatever I told her she owed me for her half and ignore medical bills that were coming in. Although sometimes I get frustrated because it's like she just forgot about that and only did it because I told her to. Ugh, smh.

I want to grow a big garden with lots of fruits and veggies. I want to get an apple tree planted as well as a strawberry patch and some spinach. Then my melons and canteloupe, pumpkins, onions, potatoes, and carrots. Then finally my jalapenos and cilantro, and plant her a flower garden. I think it would be great to see what all I can harvest from my garden and actually eat. That would be entertaining and fulfilling. Plus it's something my mom always wanted to do but never could because of her nerve condition.

Big house empty inside. Friends can only be over so often. Sometimes you need to fill it with animals and family. We're way too far apart these days. I moved out here, and of course there's a million little things that piss me off about each of 'em, but I love them all.

I want to build a land empire.
You heard that right.

I want to own a ton of land here. I want to start with farmland, farm it, and move up the ladder and acquire more land. Do a regenerative farming type deal and make it super dense and biodiverse. Work most of the land by hand and if productive enough hire a farmhand and pay above market wages. I want to then expand year after year and then slowly buy up main street. Found manufacturing businesses that pay the best wages in the region. Rebuild the downtown in the same old town style and buy out the politicians. Build my favorite types of houses, 4 story victorians with all the ornate woodwork, where all the suburbs would be put up these days. Prairie homes all around there. And sell them at a discount to people who work at my companies. Basically like a medieval aristocrat, just taking the role of a capitalist and actually taking an interest in enriching the people who work with me.

I was thinking about a Chestnut orchard with a cash crop in between. I was wondering if I could buy a woodland with some pasture and mill the fallen wood from the woodland into a vineyard fixture. Then, as I'm trimming my chestnut trees I could affix the fixtures to the trees as they grow adding more. This would allow me to use the vertical height of the tree, granted harvesting time would need an innovation! Then, in the rows between the trees I could start with a full sun crop. I was thinking a row crop, like hemp or corn, and maybe swap it with strawberries each year to avoid depleting the soil. (Or swap the regions of the farm). Then, when the canopy is more shaded, swap it for a spinach crop.

Of course that would be my main moneymaker from a few quick google searches. I have a lot more research to do. I could have a vineyard operation going from the grapes, and do a more traditional field of barley and hops for beer production. We have a river here and I would have to do some checking to see if a rice paddy could get me the wetland credit. Probably not. But with the wetland restoration programs in my region it would be worth a shot. (Flood 90% of the land, only cultivate 60%, take the credit and use it to avoid fragmenting habitat. Could also get a few beehives going as well. This would be essential for pollination. Also get milkweed, butterfly bushes, and other flowers to increase the diversity of polinators. I could put them on my windbreaks as well.

I would probably put my orchards close to town, the wetlands near the creeks and river, and any cereal fields further from town. From here I would transition to the natural pasture, and if I were to get cattle I would try to imitate the stampede strategy of the bison, and try to wrangle and control the flock. Granted, I don't live in a semi-arid region, but that would be helpful nonetheless. I wouldn't harvest that land for hay, probably sit on it for a few years and let prairie grass grow. Maybe get a bison herd transferred down here and herd them in addition to the cattle. I could also make a few sod houses as a tourist attraction, or a statement, and sell them as low income housing. $100 a month, if that. Now that's low income.


Jesus christ can this day get any worse. My best friend is moving to florida. I want to fucking die now.

 

I know not whether I am just lazy or if I expect a lot from myself. But I expect that I expect enough and deliver too little. All I did today was wake up, scroll through reels, cook brunch, and work in the garden for 30 minutes and run to the post office. Hardly inspirational. I did buy a weight set and used it a few times but nothing like the past.

I can't tell if solitude makes me strong or if it makes me weak.

I've been incredibly angry recently. My friend just moved to florida to do contract work that involves exploiting a bunch of illegal immigrants and charging standard rates. Fucking corrupt. meanwhile my job has been dead so my income slashed.

I am so confused right now. I always had too much to do and no time. So many dreams of what I'd do with all the time. And now I have it. And all of them seem to have evaporated. That's why I'm here. To rethink it all up. I have recently had a wall put up where my advancement is being stalled by some wiseass. I don't take kindly to that. I refuse to be small in this world anymore. All my dreams need to become real. They fucking need to. No one is going to stop me. NO ONE. NOBODY. NOT EVEN ME.

So here we are. What are we going to do with our downtime. Right now. You could draw up plans for that mill you were dreaming about. Study up on physics. mess around and find a free subscription to autocad or something. Mod your game? Go for a run? Build that welding cart? Hmm. I'll do the physics. I am seeking to add more routine to my life. But I tweaked my lower back this week and don't seek to make the issue worse. I can't feel it anymore but I always jump back in too soon.

It's like the more I write the more clearly I can think.

Social media doomscrolling has become my life. I am going to charge my personal phone downstairs because of it. Workphone can remain upstairs.

Commitment is a big NEED for me. I can only commit to a job and a partner no activity has my commitment. That's likely psychological. It can be conquered.

I'm going to the UNION tomorrow. FUCK SLEEP. I will get up EARLY. I WILL DO IT!!!

I have developed this hatred of my coworker for doing well because it seems that I am always compared to him. But that's what they want. Competition. I'll see to it that there is none.

Okay this is getting too long for it to be useful. Focus. Get the book, come down here. It will be just fine.

It will be just fine. It will be just fine. It will be just fine.

 

Yikes. Didn't file my taxes yet. smh. I got a lot going on lol. I'll live with myself for fucking up this year. That's okay. Just get a gameplan.
You got all but one of your W-2s. So yeah. Just use the freefile and fill out as much of it as you can and you should be alright. Should be. Also go ahead and get the office cleaned up afterwards to you can just make a huge pile of receipts for tools for next year. It should be simpler next year. I'm hoping for just two W-2s next year I am tired of all this job jumping. Makes things more complicated than it needs to be, ya know? I just want life to be a little simpler here this year. I have enough. I have projects, dreams, aspirations, and soon, hobbies. It will be alright.

But yeah update here later to spitball your thoughts.

 

Update: Filed my taxes.

Argument with some friends. I've been criticized as being unnecessarily hard on people. They have a point, but I can't help but feel as if the person dishing out the criticism is a little bit of a hypocrite. But, it does make sense to me, because I am usually pretty blunt and don't sugarcoat hardly anything unless I actively try to.

I also feel as if in an argument belittling someone's opinion or saying "I don't think you understand" is grounds to piss the opposing side off. Or maybe I am just irritable who knows. It also annoyed me how my relationship issues were brought into question in a debate about something that was supposed to be political, but devolved into a deconstruction of my character.

I've been told that I have a superiority complex. It's certainly a possibility. Asked my best friend and he doesn't think so. Maybe its a botched interaction. My life doesn't particularly suck right now either, so maybe it is a deeper seated issue. Or maybe he was being sensitive. Only time and the amalgamation of opinions from different people is how I will decide. Yeah, that's a good point. Asking five people will be better than just taking someone else's opinion as gospel. I will update if I have bad results, but otherwise, assume it was good news.

Fuck forgot about the loan.