Although I am 30 today my Heart or my Being is still like a 16-18 year old Boy. I even don't know when I became a Men? I still feel really young. I see that every Time when I shave my Beard as I watch myself in the Mirror. How do I become 30 that fast without having reached anything in my Life? So when is a Man a real Man? I am crying since 3 Months on a daily Basis for about 5 Minutes a Day...sometimes longer and sometimes shorter. I am not joking. My current Mood is always the same: Feeling lonely, unloved and unwanted wether its Night or Day and I am suffering from being Single. I know that many People already said to me that I shouldn't seek Happiness from outside but I realize since I became 30 this year that no one around me ever have loved me. Not even my own Mother and thats a really hard thing to experience. And on Top of that I am crying for my best Friend who has died 18 years ago. I still mourn for his loss. He would have a much better Life today than I have now....and I know that because I know his supportive Family. He also had an older girlfriend. He was such a good Boy. His Name was Deniz Güzelkesen. He was half turkish-half german he wear glasses and was a little overweight just like me back then. We mostly ate something together after school in a Kebab Restaurant eating always Lahmacun or we were in a german Bakery buying ourself Egg Sandwhiches, which was his favourite and I liked all these Conversations with him. Wether it was about School Life or about Games and TV. His Father sometimes went to the Mosque on a Friday when he has his Day off and Deniz always wanted to know how to pray to God because he never taughed that to his Son surprisingly, so he asked me how to pray some Surah in arabic and I have told him how to do it and then he asked a Guy in our Class how Death feels like on a scientifical Basis 2 weeks before he has died. He has suffered from Tachycardia and died also from this. I was in his House shortly before he has died in the same Hour and then said Good Bye to him and repeated "Good Bye" until he also said "Good Bye" back but I dont know why I have said that. He seemed like he has not the power to speak that loudly. And I was so dumb not to see this Situation. I am shaming myself today why I was so dumb and not have seen this serious Situation more clear enough. I couldn't stay longer with him because I have said to my Brother that we watched Porn (we just found it funny and thought nothing bad but my Brother was really serious about it) and he was so angry and said that my Friend had not a good influence on me so he slaped my Face 3-5 Times and forbid me to go to his house after school otherwise he would use Violence on me. Today I blame myself not to stay longer at his House no matter how many Slaps I would get only to rescue him. I miss him so much. Maybe I could rescue him but I dont know how to do First Aid and I give myself the Fault why I haven't stayed abit longer. And I am still crying that I am maybe a bad useless Friend. I was so afraid of my Brother at that Time. Thats why I hate him today. I think nobody in my Family truly understands me. Even writing this here makes me cry. I know how Deniz hold my Hand so that I should feel his chest how fast his heart beats but I couldn't feel anything at that time. Maybe it was beating so fast that only he has felt that. The Doctors gave him pills but obviously it didn't help. I have never learned First Aid at this Age in school. And I still dont know what to do when somebodys Heart beating so fast, maybe a Massage is useless at that Moment. I dont know how to react. Of course I would call the emergency but I would piss myself in the Pants out of Despair. This was the hardest Thing to experience for me. I was 12 years old and he became new 14. I was so devasted but surprisingly I was so calm after hearing his loss. It seems like It took years for me to realize his Death out of deep Shock. And I realize this Today. I feel like a Piece of Shit today. I am extremely sad today to have no real Friends ....I know that I could be a really good Boyfriend to any Girl but unfortunately I am on the Looser Side of Life. I have also given up praying and believing in God this year. He never was there for me. I think it is what it is and we must live this Life no matter what. I am too afraid commiting suicide maybe I am not brave enough to do it. I am feeling like not fitting in this World anymore. I will restart to meditate again after making a Break of 1.5 Years....but I don't know if I can forgive myself.....maybe alot of Woman also don't see me as a real Men and thats why I am not attractive enough for them. I am probably still a heartbroken Boy. Will I ever become a real Men? Will I ever mean something for somebody? I don't know.
I, am sorry to read about the experiences you went through at such a young age, I agree with Frass do not give up. I am not the same with my experiences but I think we all have been through difficult times. Keep up the fight.
Imagine you just spawned in this word. Maybe skipped the tutorial but who cares. You can literally go anywhere from here. 30 is the peak of a human being's age. The possibilities are endless. You'll figure out where to go as you get back to meditation.
So I should go and sleep under a Bridge where all the homeless People and Junkies are living and then waiting for a Girlfriend? .... I'm just kidding...Thank You for your kind and motivating Words.
Hahahah. Nah I’ll make a thread about how to get a girlfriend in three steps and tag you. It’s all about that bridge swagger
