I feel your pain, this is really rough! It's honestly reassuring to know that I'm not the only that feels this. My thought is that others have come through somehow so I imagine we can as well. Just wondering are there any other factors that could be contributing, like are you struggling with any physical issues like GI distress, cold/flu etc, just wondering if this might be making the urges worst in which case maybe some medicinal intervention could help even if its just something like and OTC or herbal remedy? Just my two cents Also, was wondering what types of distractions do you have? I am trying to read as much as I can but TBH, I also just stream YT (loud music even) when it gets real bad. Do you like to get out of the house and into the public by any chance? Do you have nay hiking groups around you maybe? The exercise might ease the urges some and also help you sleep better, again just my two cents
Nice job! Wish you success this coming week into breaking new ground. Look forward to hearing about it and encourage you to reach out if you're struggling
I can relate to this struggle. It slowly subtlety creeps up on me and if I'm not mindful and don't act swiftly and decisively it locks its claws in and I'm done. The other issue that plagues me is that no matter how many times I repel/evade/process these, the urges often come back instantaneously and sometimes even stronger so the only thing I can think of is too keep trying until I build up my stamina enough to be able to process these or to like you suggest get more and more involved in real life... What are some ways that help you to do that? I'm thinking to go to the gym more, get a part time job on the side, and maybe join a bhangra class
So I relapsed last night after 14 days. I am so angry. Very upset with myself. While I can say I'm officially at a frequency of once every two weeks, the fact is I am still having to fight this battle. So I relapsed at say 9/10ish and after being a sleep for 3ish hours, I woke up to one of the most bizarre experiences I've had in my life. It felt like there was a literal presence in my room. I had what felt like a cold anxiety attack on one half of my body. I then had a minor anxiety attack for about 2ish hours; body chills, shortness of breath, chest tightness, tiredness. I do not know if this was a 'relapse symptom' as opposed to a 'withdrawal symptom' that was going to come anyways with or without the relapse but... it was one of the scariest experiences I've ever had. The uniqueness and just how absolutely bizarre the experience was I cannot put in to words. I think this is the first time that I was able to see a truly addictive-related response. Like, I SEE YOU NOW. I mean, urges are one thing. To go through an experience that almost feels as if reality itself is revolting against me and using my body to do so... it was frightening and totally bizarre. The experience that I had was unpresented and literally ineffable.. I don't have the vocabulary in the English language to properly articulate what exactly it is I went through.
Just spoke with someone about my experience last night. They told me about sleep paralysis. They used to get it themselves and had done a good amount of research on what it was. Sounds like what I went through was some combination form of mainly anxiety and minor sleep paralysis. The anxiety is still lingering. This is rough.
Sometimes I meditate to practice focus and concentration. Sometimes I try to read but reading can be too passive to be helpful. I solve math problems which forces me to focus. I'll walk. I have back problems so there's only so much I can do as far as exercise goes. It's super hard but I'm in a situation where it's almost like there is no other option anymore. I told my wife about all this and so at this point, any relapse pushes me closer to divorce and further from healing so I constantly remind myself how dumb that would be. I love my wife and we really have a great relationship. She's been awesome with all of this. Imagine a spectrum: on one end is a person with zero sexual drive/interest whatsoever and on the other is just someone who's like a feral animal without any frontal lobe whatsoever. I trust that over time I will move closer to the person with zero interest, but not that far of course. I imagine a day where I just feel at peace with it all. I'm 4 months in and I definitely feel better but I'm certainly not at peace with it yet. I also go to SA meetings online, which i find helpful so far.
Relapsed, back to square one, having lost of Digestive issues that are causing a lot arousal. I intend to simplify my routine to only focus on healing my digestion, No PMO, and some studying
Monday morning check-in. Had a busy and lovely weekend. Hope that I can carry that good momentum into this week. One thought at the time, one day at the time. All the best to my fellow travelers here.
Good plan. I have historically tended to make too many plans, and focus on lots of different issues, to the degree that it overwhelms me and I end up procrastinating (or worse.) I've narrowed my focus now, and so far it seems to be a wiser approach to it all. I'm rooting for you, Sam, and I hope that the simplified routine works out well for you. And if it does not, you can always revise it and scrap what's not working. Good luck!
I've noticed a few comments on this forum discussing 'plans' and 'plan' and 'plans' vs. 'plan.' As part of my personal research regarding trauma, psychology, etc., I stumbled on a Jordan Peterson lecture. I stress LECTURE not his circulating youtube talks/interviews. I'm not a fan of his more modern stuff - he can spend a lot of time saying very little and impress people by virtue of his vocabulary (which is not the same thing as data-supported factual statements that have clear and immediate application). A lot of that is the result of him reading a lot.... which many people don't do. Many people might benefit from not watching so many youtube videos, being pulled by a false sense of learning, and READ MORE. Turn it all off, and read high quality non-fiction books lol! On a personal level, he and I are quite alike and I don't get much out of what he says lol. Anyways, in this lecture he discussed a popularly known 'problem' in psychology - the 'complexity problem.' He gave examples of individuals who had too much on their plate - let's say someone lost their job, had a a major injury, and on top of that got a divorce and then maybe within a short period of time, on top of that problem number 4 reared it's ugly head. He was talking about how complexity literally shuts people down and robs them of certain higher functioning abilities. They end up floundering/surviving and can barely function with the clarity they had prior to the overwhelming complexity. In psychology, the complexity problem is sometimes ranked on a similar problem with death itself. This last statement was only based on a lecture comment and I can't back it up with scholarly literature, so that may have been exaggerated. Looking back, I can say I have suffered under the problem myself - inflicted both by life and things outside of my control as well as a result of my own sometimes-obsessive level of type A personality manifestation. We can do it to ourselves. All that to say, simplicity is good. Removing some things may actually make you MORE productive, not less. Considering that some of us have turned to PMO as a stress relief, complexity may increase the chances that we shift back to PMO responses.
