Caught cheating a 2nd time

Day 500 and sex worker?

 

I don't see it as excuses, I see it as you explaining why you did it. And I don't think you cheated because you didn't have sex. I think you're being too hard on yourself.

 

What the fuck, he looked up prostitutes, picked one, booked her services, and then spent family money with the intention of having sex with her. Why the hell is the addict community in NoFap this disgusting that they try to tell people that's not cheating?

OP, you need to immediately book a therapy appointment and tell your wife to book a therapy appointment and start writing your disclosure letter before you lose memory of the details. Tell your wife you want to disclose with the help of a professional, but ultimately she might just want the truth today and deserves the basic human respect of making decisions for herself with honesty from her partner.

 

@foryanandforever
The title explains that you got caught a second time.
How did your wife find out?

 

Because one key component of addiction is the inability to take responsibility. Many on this forum think support means telling someone what they did isn’t so bad. They rather enable another addict than be seen as “ mean or unsupportive”. They like to minimize the destruction that their actions have caused. It’s a fine line between enable and support. Most can’t walk it. Being honest is seen as being cruel. I’m always glad when the partner finds out. Because as painful as it is, she deserves the truth and ability to decide what she wants in her life. The barest human decency given to another person.

 

It's this part that forces me to realize that I've still got problems. Even if I stop using P, and stop MB, and stop all acting out...
I was still thinking about it, often to the point of obsession. I'm guilty of using fantasy as a Psub. And also pornifying every woman in sight. And if I'm thinking about another woman or looking at another woman with lust, is that cheating? According to my wife, absolutely!
And I recognized that the thoughts would always turn to craving, and the craving would turn to white-knuckling my sobriety. Constantly fighting cravings every day for months is a miserable existence. I needed to revise my boundaries. I realized that it wasn't what I doing that I needed to pay attention to, but rather what was going on in my brain.
And I cannot control too many of those environmental changes such as stressful events, idle time. I need to demonstrate complete custody of my eyes and mind. No excuses. For if I don't, it's only a matter of time when my compromising thoughts lead me back to destructive behaviors.
What works for me is to concentrate on saying, "No," to only one lustful thought or look; the one that matters; The First One. (Thank you, YodaStevie)
If I say, "No," to the first thought, there isn't going to be a second, or a third, or a fifth, or an eighth.
If I don't think it, I'm not going to do it.
If I don't think it, I'm not going to crave.
And if I don't crave, I don't cave.
Game over. I win.

Do I do this perfectly? No. But I win significantly more battles than I lose with lust and fantasy, and I take each battle very seriously. That's why I'll win this war. If I keep losing battle after battle after battle with lust and fantasy, then I will lose this war. It's that simple.

 

I struggled with the idea of being an AFC (average frustrated chump) hearing about all these guys around me getting all this sex from many different girls. This feeling that I'm missing out by "settling" for monogamy. And I've thought about replacing the porn for prostitutes because I would be gettin some. The Red Pill community talking about this abundance mindset because of access to multiple women.
But studies have shown that people with multiple sex partners have decreased satisfaction with life and more depression than those that are monogamous. As Allen Carr principles suggest, hooking up, using prostitutes, just like using porn, actually leads to creating a void, not filling it. After acting out, I'm left more stressed, more anxious, more craving, more obsessing, than ever before. So the question I asked myself was,
Does having more sex partners actually giving me more pleasure, or is it taking pleasure away?
With an honest answer to this question, I had to accept that the best way for me to maintain an abundance mindset was to embrace monogamy. The Red Pill and Pick Up Artist communities were wrong. They were assuming that 2 is better than 1, and 4 is better than 2, and 10 is better than 4, and 100 is better than 10, and 1000 is not even enough. They were not considering the facts of what goes on in the brain when one has multiple sex partners.
The truth is that, when it comes to sex, 1 is better than 2, and certainly better than 4.

 

I'm not encouraging that. All I'm saying is it is good he didn't have sex with her. Rachel Moran is a former prostitute, and she doesn't recount a single man refusing to have sex with her. In fact, most of the men who booked her viewed as nothing but a sex object and would often have incredible violent sex with her. She would have been thankful for any man who paid her without having sex.

It was a bad idea to book a sex worker... It's a bad idea to do that sort of thing even if you're single.

What I'm doing is encouraging @foryanandforever to practise self-compassion. I always recommend this episode of Hidden Brain to people on this forum. It's about a woman who has an affair with a married man and spent years hating herself for what she did. Hating herself didn't achieve anything, it was only when she started practising self-compassion that things began to change.

I believe having self-hatred is a big part of addiction. Someone who has self-compassion will never have an addiction. Someone in recovery who hates themselves will never heal.

 

Most people here áre addicts and incline to justify themselves and so, justify others mistakes as well.

 

Better help in general has not been good. If you can find a csat I’d suggest starting there. Path for men is a great online resource. Also 12 step helped my husband and it’s free, sa or saa. Just fyi-if I were your wife, there is absolutely no way I’d believe you didn’t go through with it. I would believe you couldn’t get it up and didn’t go through with it. I’m just sayin. No one stops once they’ve stepped off the cliff. So, be prepared for her not to believe you.

 

Good job in facing that pain, and honestly, even though you went way way WAY!!!! too far by booking this, you finally did the right thing by leaving before doing anything, GOOD job in that moment, was it a little late in the process? uhh, Yes... REALLY late. But you did make a good decision in the final moments leaving that room. You also though did the WRONG thing by hiding this from your wife, and are paying the consequences of that now. But, GOOD job being accountable here saying that you know what you did was wrong. Build on what you did right in these moments, don't lie, be vulnerable and honest about things, especially with yourself!

I think you can spend the next several years working through the "why" you decided to cheat, and book a prostitute. It's going to take a lot of self reflection and self honesty before you'll be able to really be ready to work through that in a marriage counseling setting IMHO. You might want to start on some of that really intensely immediately before couples therapy. I'm not saying I know what is right to do, but I know there's stuff here you'll be confronted with that you may not be ready to address with your wife. Before you can be honest with her, you have to be honest with yourself.