My road to being free of Massage parlors/Online-Dating/etc.

Thank you very much! Reading to this made me feel even more motivated to face all this. And yes, my childhood wasn't a really bad one, comparing to what others are dealing with in theirs. Though there was a lot controlling from my parents and my father also cheated on my mother (not sexually, bot emotionally). And I always thought, because it just felt ike this, that it wouldn't have an influence on me. But I was so wrong. Everything has an influence, and when I found out, I guess my 12 year old brain just couldn't cope with it. I remember them fighting so many times, for years after this. And when I look at myself at that time, my addiction grew more and more. They stayed together fortunately, but I sometimes think that as a family, we never dealt with it afterwards. I just promised myself to never be like him and well, I guess the things I have done are even worse.

But that won't stop me from fighting. I am more than my mind, I am more than my story.

 

Hey guys.
What terrible days the last few have been..
Remember when I told you that my ex and me wanted to stop talking for a while? Well, that was until Monday, because she feels very bad these days. What troubles me the most is, that she somehow managed to download all the chats from my deleted telegram account. She hasn't read them so far, because she fears what she would see. But the fact that she does have them, makes me feel even worse. She said, that this is my chance to tell her every truth I haven't told her before. And well, I did tell her some things, I haven't before, yes. Others, are minor details, that she wants so much from me. And this is driving me completely crazy. Because I know when acting out, you are like in a trance. Of course, I remember a lots of stuff. But I don't remember the exact thought I had, when writing this or that person. But she wants to hear things like this exactly and I think, that this information doesn't change anything.
The other problem was: Remembering those things, the chats, the dates, etc., just made my urge very strong. I haven't slept the last two nights. The positive is, I did not fall. I did refuse actually, and I am proud. But I had moments where I wanted to just smash my head against the wall. It's hard for me, when my ex wants answers, but I can't give her, because those feelings can make me feel this way. There's is this poem by Goethe "There sorcerers apprentice" (Der Zauberlehrling) and in Germany we often use the quote "Die Geister die ich rief, die werd´ich nicht mehr los". I think you also have a translation for that as in "The ghosts I called, keep haunting me".
And this is what I feel like right now.

 

Thank you very much for your replies! It really helps to hear other peoples opinions, thoughts and general feelings. I am glad, that some people may find inspiration from my story.
And yes, I get the point about telling the truth, and I have told most of the things for now. Fact is, I really can't remember everything, it's just so much of it. This is what makes I even worse.
I had therapy today and the topic was, whether my ex and me could have a session together (or maybe more). I really feel, like this could help, in whatever direction it may be. But for now, we just can't go on. Our talks or very destructive, she asks things I can't give her, it's really bad. We just don't come to conclusions, and just repeat the topics. A lot of time it's also telling me that I am the worst person ever, which, to be honest, I feel like sometimes. But it doesn't help neither of us.

There is also a narrative of, I am doing to less in her eyes, to recover, or to get better. She sent me a homepage of a 6-week-addiction-recovery-program, where you live there with other people, and have activities and therapy. And I get the idea, that this can help, but some things concern me. First, it's very expensive, and I don't have the money at the moment. Second, and this was also a thought of my therapist: I think that what I am doing now, actually helps. So, why not go on with it, see where it leads to, and if it doesn't help, then try something like what she sent me. I know her well, and she is a person, that is looking for every possibility on the planet she can find, if she has a problem to solve. But I also think, that she overthought some things, sometimes. In this case, it also follows a narrativ of, you either do this, or we'll never be together. Completely ignoring, that I have made some steps in the right direction.
I think, it should be okay, to do therapy, read a book on the topic, do the exercises but also continue my life (I am studying right now, and really want to finish as soon as possible).

Well, we just a need a common ground where we can talk. And I hope we can do a therapy session together.

 

Hey guys. It happened. Me and my ex met.
It was rather spontaneous. We talked on Saturday and then she said, that it would be better if I would've been with her right now. So that would be impossible, but I booked a train for the next day and yesterday it happened.

It was very tough at first. When I arrived, I saw the city we lived in together and just started to cry. SO many memories, and unimaginable, that we aren't together at the moment, eating ice cream, but are talking about, how bad we feel. On my way she texted me, if I could maybe take the next train back. She may not be ready. And I felt that, too. Especially when I arrived. But I know, that she can't see me now, without imagining all the things that I have done.
After nearly 2 hours after I arrived, and I calmed down a little, she too, we agreed to meet.

Oh how tough it was. She didn't look at me. We just started to cry. She didn't say a word. After a while, we wanted to go for a walk in a park, but after 2 minutes she told me, that she wants to go home. That it was a mistake.
On the way home, we didn't talk much either, and she didn't react to any question I had. Somehow later she calmed down a little, and we talked more. Even sat on a bench and just talked. About everything, but mainly, how she can't see me, without seeing me getting a massage by another woman for example. But the talking wasn't all bad. We felt hungry later, even went to a place w both liked. It was awkward, because we were eating our favorite dish, but cried a lot during eating.

But we talked about possible solutions. Of course, some of them are very tough, and with every possibility of how we could go back together, there are a lot of risks. Just the fact, that her greatest fear is, that if she found out after 20 years of me being free of this compulsive behavior, suddenly I do something. She finds out I cheated on her again. This is scenario that often goes through her mind, and how can you not understand that. It's obvious.

We went to her later and really had a good talk. There even was a second where we laughed. But when I had to leave, she again imagined me being naked with another person, and it was cold again. After I left for the train, she wrote me, if I had a minute. Just for a hug. But I hadn't unfortunately.
But it somehow gave me with a slight hope. Maybe, maybe it is not impossible. We both don't know. And it needs time, for whatever will happen.

About my urges:
The book and my therapy, really helped me so far. I am more than a month clean from visiting massage parlor homepages, dating apps, etc.
And the book told me a nice trick, I first found a little weird, but it helps.
It's called the beard trick.

Whenever something triggers you again (maybe a woman on the street, a pornographic ad, a thought, whatever). Feel your skin on your cheek, feel the facial hair growing (not important how long it is). And remember that you're not a kid anymore. You're an adult, who can completely decide, what will happen next, or rather, what choice you make. And just seeing that choice, makes it easier, to decide for what is actually good for you. Not a short-term satisfaction, that leads to guilt in the end. But an actually good choice, that will make you free.

 

Hey guys.
I have to say, that it really goes well so far. I already see some mechanisms I developed thanks to therapy and the book, that are really working. It's really about having a discussion with your inner addict every time. And may sound weird, but it actually is really possible to talk to him. I always write down the conversations afterwards just to see how they will develop over time.
One thought that really helps me, is to find "what's always true" about yourself.
Like yeah, getting PMO will satisfy you. But you know it is a lie. It satisfies you for a few seconds. After that you'll regret it for hours at least. It's just a lie. A lie about yourself even.
But you can find what is always true about yourself. What you really pursue in life, what gives you real happiness and satisfaction, what drives you.
I´m in the process of finding these things out about myself. I just wish I had done that 10 years earlier. Or even more.

 

I don´t have much to tell today. Maybe just something I learned yesterday:Transparency. Guys, I lived a double life my whole life. I lied so much to the people I love and care about. They actually never got to experience my true self, my essence.
There was small room for my own development in my family, or let's just say the way I wanted to be. My parents were strict, not in the sense that they would punish me if I did they dislike. No, my mom used her greatest weapon: Her tears.
And I mean literally, when I wanted to grow a beard, she bursted out in tears how can I do that, what will people think. We are talking about a beard. Something nobody hurts.
My family was very religious. I grew up RC and was also very religious. And don't get me wrong, I think a lot of things that happened to me that are good, are thanks to that. But over the past 2 years I lost my faith. And I don't want to discuss this topic so much, everyone can believe whatever they want, but religion was intrumentalized in my family. It had some very toxic impact in the way my parents understood their faith. And I only realized this a few years ago, that they talk about being good christians, but are the first to throw giant rocks on everybody, that may have a different point of view.

I think this led to me, to grow up playing roles at home and try not to anger or disappoint my parents. It's this, that led me to never open up about masturbation to them. I was told, this is the worst thing you could do. Well, and not opening to anyone, led me to feel something, that was my secret. A space where nobody even my parens could not enter. First masturbation, later some porn, later massage parlor, later sex-dating. Just horrible.

I want to be an honest person, that people REALLY know, not what I want them to think about me. Just be real. And not lie. Lying feels so terrible, every time.

 

Hey!
I joined a 12-steps-meeting for the first time today.
Honestly: I thought I'd leave after 10 minutes. I felt really awkward at first. It was only 7 people, and I really found some of them.. weird at first? Like, something felt off. In addition to that, I had some problems with the "ritualistic" behaviour. Not in a religious way, but reading out loud the 12 steps, the rules, a "prayer" together.
It's just not for me these days, this kind of ritualistic behaviour. But I thought, I have to give it a chance. Later, I really got used to the way it worked. I eventually opened myself, too, and just told a short version of y story and how I wanted to change myself. In the group, it is not allowed to comment on other peoples stories or experiences. I still don't know what to think about that. I always thought, that this is the the point of being in such a group. And maybe I will find out, that it's just not for me. It is possible.
But I want to give it a chance.

 

Hello there.
Well, what should I say. It's an emotional rollercoaster. I hope you don't get the impression, this is a thread about the relationship to my ex. Yes, it's very important to me right now, and maybe some of you are struggling with a similar problem, that's why I´m talking about that.
But mainly, this should be a thread about overcoming an addiction that is ruining lives.
I´m still doing okay. It's been nearly two months, I haven't acted out.
Some things I noticed:
Besides from the problem I have with my ex, the many many talks we have, the things I am thinking about it and so on, I think I am more focused on things I should be doing than before. Like okay, it's actually pretty hard to get things done at the moment. But when I know, there is something that could be done today, I try to do it. This is something I haven't done before. And I get that procrastination is a common problem. It's very human. And it's not only with ADHD. No, but still I know, that I have spend so many times on consuming the things I have, spending hours of chatting with people I maybe could have sex with (which of course wasn't the case most of the times) or just imagining things. It was horrible. So I see some things happening here for the better.

I also do think, that I am more aware of my needs. Like I try to get more sleep. It was hard to get any sleep at first, when everything came out. But I know feel really tired in the evening. And yes, it could be, because I am getting older, okay. But I do think, that just being flashed by my phone screen looking up stuff, was just powering my melatonin-levels. Now I really do get tired, fall asleep faster and don't waste so much time before.

I don´t lie to people randomly anymore. Tho, it's something I do actively now. Telling the truth. I have to remind myself, that what point is there in lying about such an unimportant thing. And it helps, and I feel a lot better.

 

Well, you know what really drives me crazy sometimes? It's really hard, to talk with my ex about details. I mean the sexual encounters I had. She wants to know a lot, and as I mentioned some time ago, I don't remember everything. But I want to give her answers, because somehow, I think there could be a way for us. Maybe there isn't. But she thinks she would feel better to get answers to her questions.
The Problem is: If I thin about what I did back then, I sometimes feel very close to what happened again. I feel stressed on the one hand, but somehow curious again. Like there's this thought in my brain: "Oh, you haven't checked the massages lately, maybe there are some new masseuses?". And I fear to relapse, just by talking about it.
I don't know what to to do about it. I want to give her answers, I really want to. But I don't want it to interfere negatively with my recovery.