zilean

It began in 5th or 6th grade, about age 11-12 and has followed me many many years till now at age 25.

I grew up in a Christian home without father, who left before i was born. I found the Lord at a young age at 6 and committed my life to Christ, and loved to follow him.

Once this shackle attached itself to me, I was truly serving two masters. I desired all my life to be freed from this hinderance. I faithfully continue walking with the Lord to this day, but the reality of what that means only began to start hitting.

Self Control. I have thought that I had been exhibiting this fruit of the spirit, i was easily angered as a kid when an injustice was done to me in a game, but grew out of that stage. But it has been in these past couple of years that I realized that I lack self-control in denying my self the temporal pleasures of PMO and choosing life that can be had abundantly.

For a while I was focused on modifying my behavior while neglecting the heart and reason for these things. My anxiety to engage with girls after being told not to have a girlfriend till I graduate college. My longing to be in an intitmate relationship with another while my friends all began to move that direction (as much a middle schooler could do). Wishing I could just be held by someone.

And so, I begin my documented NoFap Journey on April 14, 2020 to have daily checkins and just have a place to write out what I have been feeling and the healing that can come.