Rosh720
Fapstronaut
After reading countless threads online I figured it was time to make my own account and seek personalized help. I am a huge fan and supporter of this site and all the great people and positivity it brings!
(HUGE TRIGGER WARNING!!!)
(TRIGGER WARNING!!)
(TRIGGER WARNING!!)
I’m not sure where to start so I’ll just dive in. I’m 16, male, virgin, who hit puberty at a very young age and always wanted women, then M my first time at age 11 to erotic pictures of women even though u began pleasuring myself at around 3 by rubbing against things or simply squeezing as I liked to call which was me putting my ”between the legs area” legitimately between my legs and as you probably guessed squeezing this lasted until around 8 and was a regular occurrence ages 3-5 then every now and again ages 6-8. I first discovered P at 9 or 10 when I was shown by cousin who was 3 years older. Before I had only seen soft core images of women. The P startled me but then one day when I was 11 after stumbling across it again while looking at the soft core images realized what everyone was talking about when they said M. I was scared the first time but went back again countless time after time then around age 13 I was PMO everyday, couldn’t find a girl because it had altered my mind on how I viewed them and made me awkward around them, I then moved on to more hard core things such as anal. Around age 4 I was moving into gangbangs then 15 it was bondage gangbangs, cuckold, rape, young old (young girl old guy), incest or step incest, verbal abuse, at this point my mind was heavily altered and I was PMO at least twice a day. Toward the end of being 15 I took a turn for the worse as I had already seen just about every catagory besides things such as scat and like actual bloody murder, so I was becoming bored then one day I found new “magic” ts porn. I was tricked at first, thought it was anal because she was convincing then when I seen her junk I nearly vomited, but in a weeks time when I began to have ed to the point where I couldn’t get a semi I NEEDED more. So I went back and then the cycle became the worst it had been, hours each day looking for the perfect one then using that until I became bored then looking again. At this point I was probably PMO about 3-7 a day depending on how much time I had. Then it worsened again. From age fourteen until nearly a month ago I was a heavy weed smoker to try and kill my anxiety/depression and boost my confidence, smoked about 4-5 times a day so all the time while my p addiction worsened I was high watching these thing that made me sick after watching. Then while high one day I wondered “what if I’m gay” the question was never “I think I’m gay” it was what if because I began to think that I loved anal and watched ts and was basically desensitized to women. I also had performance anxiety or so I told everyone because I had a girlfriend for several months at age 15 and before my ed came into play I would always be hard as a rock, grinding against her, kissing, oral etc, then when it was my turn I couldn’t even get an sensation in my mind I was like yes finally but my junk just didn’t even tingle. In saying this even when I O now and for about 2 years it’s not about the O it’s about the release. But anyways back to the “what if” so basically I was high and this thought then felt suicidal because my mind had never thought about another man but women just weren’t doing it for me even though I liked them relationship wise sexually they did nothing for me anymore unless they were being abused in one way or another. Then a few days later the thought was still playing on my mind after O to many more ts videos so I decided to find out. I never felt anything about the men but it was the idea of one man being weak and another in power making him do something I could never imagine living with had it been done to me, this is where my social anxiety came to play. I felt insecure and weak so I began to imagine myself in power abusing men, no one I knew just the guys in the video and I got off. The first time it wasn’t even any sensation in my junk just my brain thinking “yeah eff that female dog” and I don’t mean eff as in sex I mean eff and in you you ugly sack of poop. After I got off the first time I felt disgusted and this only worsened my HOCD. The first video I watched was with an inmate who just got out of prison going to his prison husbands house to remind him. A small weak guy and a big scary guy. All my gay p experience has been videos such as these, one being forced the other forcing. Then I stumbled across a sissy hypno video one day watching ts and got off not knowing that they were as dangerous as they were. Then I imagined beinG a girl in a dream and woke up feeling like a ts, not a girl but a transwoman from the videos. This horrified me. The longest I’ve gone with out PMO or O at all in about 3 almost 4 years was one week. I don’t know what to do or where to turn I don’t feel any romantic interest towards men and being intimate in a mutual way with one disgusts me but finding a weak feminine man to impose my will over is the only thing that does it for me at this point. I watched an anti sissy hypno and they seemed to have done the trick for ts part but how do I overcome wanting to hurt someone else, this disturbes me. I also watched ball busting videos around 14 or 15 and cum eating and other type humiliation, feminist type videos. This keeps me up at night I feel disgusted at myself i think my brain has changed humiliation and pain in place for love and attraction. This is ruining my life. I need help someone please I don’t know what to do I’m scared to bring this up to anyone besides the users on this site because I know they’d all just say oh I bet these homo desires were just underlying and eventually through porn use you realized when I know this isn’t true I don’t want a family with a man I want a wife and children I just want a man to be my slave and I don’t know what to do because I just want to be able to get turned on by love and women again not pain and disgust please help I’m at the end of my rope and continue to relapse after 1 day with out it lately.
(HUGE TRIGGER WARNING!!!)
(TRIGGER WARNING!!)
(TRIGGER WARNING!!)
I’m not sure where to start so I’ll just dive in. I’m 16, male, virgin, who hit puberty at a very young age and always wanted women, then M my first time at age 11 to erotic pictures of women even though u began pleasuring myself at around 3 by rubbing against things or simply squeezing as I liked to call which was me putting my ”between the legs area” legitimately between my legs and as you probably guessed squeezing this lasted until around 8 and was a regular occurrence ages 3-5 then every now and again ages 6-8. I first discovered P at 9 or 10 when I was shown by cousin who was 3 years older. Before I had only seen soft core images of women. The P startled me but then one day when I was 11 after stumbling across it again while looking at the soft core images realized what everyone was talking about when they said M. I was scared the first time but went back again countless time after time then around age 13 I was PMO everyday, couldn’t find a girl because it had altered my mind on how I viewed them and made me awkward around them, I then moved on to more hard core things such as anal. Around age 4 I was moving into gangbangs then 15 it was bondage gangbangs, cuckold, rape, young old (young girl old guy), incest or step incest, verbal abuse, at this point my mind was heavily altered and I was PMO at least twice a day. Toward the end of being 15 I took a turn for the worse as I had already seen just about every catagory besides things such as scat and like actual bloody murder, so I was becoming bored then one day I found new “magic” ts porn. I was tricked at first, thought it was anal because she was convincing then when I seen her junk I nearly vomited, but in a weeks time when I began to have ed to the point where I couldn’t get a semi I NEEDED more. So I went back and then the cycle became the worst it had been, hours each day looking for the perfect one then using that until I became bored then looking again. At this point I was probably PMO about 3-7 a day depending on how much time I had. Then it worsened again. From age fourteen until nearly a month ago I was a heavy weed smoker to try and kill my anxiety/depression and boost my confidence, smoked about 4-5 times a day so all the time while my p addiction worsened I was high watching these thing that made me sick after watching. Then while high one day I wondered “what if I’m gay” the question was never “I think I’m gay” it was what if because I began to think that I loved anal and watched ts and was basically desensitized to women. I also had performance anxiety or so I told everyone because I had a girlfriend for several months at age 15 and before my ed came into play I would always be hard as a rock, grinding against her, kissing, oral etc, then when it was my turn I couldn’t even get an sensation in my mind I was like yes finally but my junk just didn’t even tingle. In saying this even when I O now and for about 2 years it’s not about the O it’s about the release. But anyways back to the “what if” so basically I was high and this thought then felt suicidal because my mind had never thought about another man but women just weren’t doing it for me even though I liked them relationship wise sexually they did nothing for me anymore unless they were being abused in one way or another. Then a few days later the thought was still playing on my mind after O to many more ts videos so I decided to find out. I never felt anything about the men but it was the idea of one man being weak and another in power making him do something I could never imagine living with had it been done to me, this is where my social anxiety came to play. I felt insecure and weak so I began to imagine myself in power abusing men, no one I knew just the guys in the video and I got off. The first time it wasn’t even any sensation in my junk just my brain thinking “yeah eff that female dog” and I don’t mean eff as in sex I mean eff and in you you ugly sack of poop. After I got off the first time I felt disgusted and this only worsened my HOCD. The first video I watched was with an inmate who just got out of prison going to his prison husbands house to remind him. A small weak guy and a big scary guy. All my gay p experience has been videos such as these, one being forced the other forcing. Then I stumbled across a sissy hypno video one day watching ts and got off not knowing that they were as dangerous as they were. Then I imagined beinG a girl in a dream and woke up feeling like a ts, not a girl but a transwoman from the videos. This horrified me. The longest I’ve gone with out PMO or O at all in about 3 almost 4 years was one week. I don’t know what to do or where to turn I don’t feel any romantic interest towards men and being intimate in a mutual way with one disgusts me but finding a weak feminine man to impose my will over is the only thing that does it for me at this point. I watched an anti sissy hypno and they seemed to have done the trick for ts part but how do I overcome wanting to hurt someone else, this disturbes me. I also watched ball busting videos around 14 or 15 and cum eating and other type humiliation, feminist type videos. This keeps me up at night I feel disgusted at myself i think my brain has changed humiliation and pain in place for love and attraction. This is ruining my life. I need help someone please I don’t know what to do I’m scared to bring this up to anyone besides the users on this site because I know they’d all just say oh I bet these homo desires were just underlying and eventually through porn use you realized when I know this isn’t true I don’t want a family with a man I want a wife and children I just want a man to be my slave and I don’t know what to do because I just want to be able to get turned on by love and women again not pain and disgust please help I’m at the end of my rope and continue to relapse after 1 day with out it lately.
