2024 The Best Year Ever

All,

Day 1 down.

I fell into p-subs on Tuesday. I was pretty out of control and probably would have gone into normal P had the lord not protected me. It makes me question who the hell I really am in Christ. Who am I? I’m someone caught between two lives.

Lord, show me who I really am in you.

 

All,

Day 5 down. I know that part of my identity in Christ is one who can be brutally honest. I hear of the importance of being extremely honest a lot in the Pure Victory podcast from people who have broken free. So I’m going to detail some more of my fall on Tuesday because I feel led to do so.

It started like a normal day with devotions and time with God. I’m not sure why this happened on this day.

The spiral started by me looking up in google maps a hotel abroad that i knew to be a brothel. I know this because someone took me there 5 or 6 years ago. I had not idea what it was when i went, but as soon as i figured out that the waitresses were selling more than drinks i became very uncomfortable and we left. However i returned there in google maps out of curiousity. Then I went in through my accountability software’s back door where images can’t be monitored. I searched ‘innocent’ things in twitter and scrolled until i found an image that would get my heart racing then quickly scrolled away. I did this same sort of behavior for about 2 hours that morning. That afternoon I again went through the back door and actually went to a model’s twitter page. I wasn‘t there for more than a couple minutes, but the damage was done. I called my AP on Wednesday morning and confessed this to him.

I know that this is the result of a two-faced identity. One face is a Christ follower, the other is someone enslaved in lust. I want the joy and peace of someone who is free of slavery of the lust rush.

 

Thank you @Tao Jones and @Myfortress for your input.

I’ve received some good input on this. I’m looking to Christ to define a very specific identify that I can get excited about. Here’s what I’ve heard so far about my new identity:

- One who possess a life-long peace of having lust addiction in their past and not their future.
- Strong and steady like a tree next to quiet waters.
- One who enjoys the ministry and has contagious joy of the Lord.
- One who can take leaps of faith while trusting in God to deliver.
- One who can be counted on to deliver truth in love.
- One who is full of grace towards his spouse.
- One who boldly shares the freedom Christ has given him from the chains of addiction and lust.
- One who is firm in what he knows is right.
- One who knows the word.
- One who is dead to the world and its vices and alive in Christ in His glory.
- One who has a very personal friendship with Jesus Christ.

My AP shared with me this great document that has all these different verses about what the Bible says about our identity. I will try to share here as a picture.

 

All,

Had a really good week. I worked from home and worked right by my wife as she continues to recover from surgery on the couch. It is really a huge blessing to be able to work beside her and not have temptation during that time.

I’ve been listening a lot to the ‘Pure Victory’ podcast. @Tao Jones, you should check this out. Matt and Brad are pretty spot on. The podcast has brought to my attention that my p-sub tendancy really indicates a lack of personal relationship with Jesus and lack of identity in Christ. They talk about how you can’t just move away from PMO, you have to move toward something. Establishing my identity in Christ seems really, really key. I’m almost done with ‘a normal Christian life’ and am thinking about what I can read to help me establish that identity. I’m thinking about just reading back through the New Testament with that lense.

 

@Tao Jones thanks for the recommendation.

I have not been posting in the past few weeks but they have been solid. I keep going back to how being a tree planted by quiet waters is part of my identity and thinking of this verse.


“How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, Nor stand in the path of sinners, Nor sit in the seat of scoffers! But his delight is in the law of the Lord, And in His law he meditates day and night. He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, Which yields its fruit in its season And its leaf does not wither; And in whatever he does, he prospers.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭1:1-3‬ ‭NASB1995‬‬

 

After a solid past couple weeks I am definitely struggling with temptation today and yesterday. I just feel triggered by everything and everyone. Currently flying to Puerto Rico for a business trip. Will be checking in here daily for extra accountability.

 

@Tao Jones you have got to check out the Pure Victory podcast. I thought of you because they interview the author of ‘the great sex rescue.’

 

All,

Today is my last day of the business trip in PR. God has been with me throughout. It’s spring break and there are women everywhere. But I know that looking at them will only bring me misery. God’s path is so much more peaceful.

I’ve stuck to my battle plan thus far: no booze, no working in room, no TV in room. So far so good. I am catching a red eye out of here tonight, which will be brutal.

 

All,

Day 3 down.

slipped into psubs on Friday. Fully disclosed to AP. Going for 30 days here then I’ll reevaluate where I’m at.

 

All,

I have realized that the pursuit of sexual imagery is seeping into my life in more ways than I realized. I have not been keeping track of when I start looking up p-subs. Sometimes I start searching the internet and I don’t see them, so I haven’t been recording this. Yesterday, for example, I looked at my story on ‘whatsapp’ hoping to see sexual content. I saw nothing, but I still took a step to find sexual content. These little slips aren’t little. So I’m going to start recording them. This week I’m going to try recording them here.

Falls:
- Sunday 3/22 10am - Whatsapp Story

My battle plan this week: I’ve disabled images on my computer browser, and also used ‘stayfocusd’ to limit internet accessibility. I have also committed to leaving my phone on my charger when I get home. I got books on cd for driving to and from work. This is where mental fantasy happens, and mental fantasy is one of 2 main routes I have to seeking out p-subs.

 

So I have continued journaling about any choice I make to find external sexual stimulai.

On Wednesday evening I came home and my wife was watching the Big Bang theory, which hasn’t triggered me in the past. But then Two and a Half Men came on, which I know can have triggering images. I did NOT turn it off, and low and behold I caught a glimpse of a woman in full lingerie. The image of her has popped into my mind multiple times since.

Yesterday I jumped on twitter for about two minutes. For some reason my image blocker was not working. This choice to get on twitter was motivated by wanting to see sexual stimuli. Then on my hour long drive home from work, I was bombarded by sexual thoughts. I prayed and read a book, which helped to drown out the noise. But having all these sexual thoughts, as ALWAYS, led me to feeling down and disappointed when I got home.

I pursue p-subs more than I thought. But I’m actually starting to measure this behavior. And that which gets measured gets acted upon.