Hey, I totally get you. It was the same for me. I would have killing lows and would desperately want to escape it and PMO was my escape channel. It used to seem alright because after PMO I'd feel erased and numbed from all emotions, thoughts and everything. Just the hints of dopamine would stay. It seemed much better than living through the lows. But now I know better, how this cycle has been actually making my lows even more frequent and worse, and also making my life worse, being unable to work towards my goals because of brain fog and anxiety etc -- pushing me back into the cycle. In the big picture, I could see that PMO was not an escape channel but a feedback loop that would only throw u into the circle and spin u through it faster. Thats the last thing that I want. Its hard to break out of the cycle but you can do it. The lows can be killing, but they won't disappear if we numb out, they will come back with more force once the numbing has ceased. If you can't take this low, be sure it will be harder to take the one that comes after the numbing is gone -- withdrawals. But let me assure you, no matter how difficult it gets, you will be able to make it. If not now, then next time. I am now learning to accept my lows and bad circumstances with kindness and learning to cope by doing healthy activities -- it is hard, very hard, but I choose to do it, and I am not regretting that, its rather good this way. With time it is becoming more natural for me to look for healthy things to do when I feel low, PMO is not my first thought these days, it doesn't even occur to me many times. But there will be times when nothing makes u feel better, no healthy activity might help, and all u can do is to sit with it, vent it in a journal or to somebody, and accept the low for what it is, because the truth is it won't last forever. Just wait for the storm to pass, it will, and you will see light and clear sky. Please don't beat yourself up today, this day has already been hard on you, now u don't be hard on u too. Just take your time to relax and introspect, breathe some fresh air. This journey is hard, and we are bound to fail many times along the way, but we only learn and get stronger with it. We are all with you in this. I am sure u can get back up and pick up the numbers : )
I know it's a vicious circle and the thought of one last relapse always comes up. For failure, I have a peaceful mind, and a failure is generally just one less day of nofap enjoyment. Thank you for your encouragement, I will keep doing better.
Day 7/30: Today everything seems lighter for me. I didn't have any urge but still spent time feeling sad about the harm fap cause to me. I had to encourage myself that I'm in true way and by time, I'll be much better.
congratulation bro, seems like we've passed through first peak of sin period and by time its amplitude will be decrease. keep trying!
I'm trying to write here first days of recovery progress. I feel not alone here and with positive words, it pull me up my mood. you can try writing here more every day first days. We stand by you, bro. feel that this time you fail, we're hugging you and share the sadness with you. don't feel shame or harm your self. next time with power here, I hope and believe you will get longer streak.
I can't promise to post every day, but I check the forum every day. If I have a good insight or suggestion, I will share it. I don't think we can focus too much on nofap, like staring at forums thinking about not failing. We should enrich our life with things like study, exercise, communication, etc. Thank you for your encouragement and advice, bro. I will stick with it.
I accidentally found porn hidden in pc I watched it I couldn't get thoughts away so I masturbated to get my mind clean. I have already cleaned pc and phone there nothing left except external hard drive I am not sure I will check it and delete if I found porn
Day 7/30 Woo-hoo, I've completed my first week PMO free. On a down note though, I'm fairly sure I'm about to start flatlining. Today was ok. I got my exercise, I did some homework, learned some stuff at college, etc.... But, in the process, I had only one baby urge today (about 2 hours ago). And my "flag" only "flew at half staff" during the urge. Compared to yesterday, it was like I needed to sneeze rather than explode. I think within the next 2 or so days I'm definitely going to be entering "stage 1" of the dreaded NoFap Flatline. Thankfully, I did my homework before coming here (since it's not like I had something else to do), so, I know what to expect. I've already started pulling what I like to call the NOT bait and switch. It's Where I substitute one dopamine addiction (i.e. PMO) for another one (such as weight lifting and cardio). I need the cardio, testosterone, and muscle mass anyway, I might as well try to make that my substitute addiction. I've read that increasing your exercise, weight training, and dietary exercise is a good way to get through the flatline quicker. Who knows maybe it will work maybe it won't. In the meantime, I'm just going to keep doing what I've been doing. On a final note, I will say it was a refreshing take to not have an absolute need to masturbate or have sex with anything with a hole in it. Today felt like a picnic compared to the last week. "The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking." —Albert Einstein Day 7 (week 1) down, 23 more to go.