Day 23 Just a reminder not to give in, no matter what. Today I feel at peak potential and this is only as a result of being determined to use my energy for something greater. It's worth it to hold on. Don't let go. No matter what.
I’m at 5.5 days. Hanging in. Looking to increase motivation not to try to check out of reality. The frustration has been I can have the right mindset and then flip like a light switch and then have a rough time getting started again.
checking in thing are shitty right now , whenever i go home if feel so vulnerable to watch P , after working long hours and get drained , it's very hard to resist watching P , I feel I'm slipping
Day 16 done. Just going to keep on going. Also, the website messed something up again, as my day counter can no longer be saved into my signature (properly) anymore. Hopefully will be fixed in a few days.
Day 24 It would be one thing if O lasted more than half a minute. That's all it really is, and not even that. Its a complete dump of neurochemistry all at once. A total waste of potential and then it's over, back to 0, baseline and the bottom. No more urges, no more drive, no more anything as one enters refraction. So I ask myself, is it worth it, and depending on how long my current streak is, am I willing to lose all of what I've gained? And thinking about the recovery period, and how long it will take for me to reach what I so easily gave up? Why? For what? For a few seconds rush that doesn't even truly satisfy, that ends so quickly that I practically miss out on the entire experience? No. It's not worth it. Hold on longer and enjoy the momentum you have achieved this far. Don't let it go. What is gained during a streak lasts far longer than any rush ever will so why give it up for a few second thrill. Remember, it's just not worth it
Just had a very close call, but managed to stop myself at the last minute. It was kind of my fault... I haven't worked out for the last 4 days, and this morning the fantasies started really kicking into high gear. I also got this feeling like starting over wouldn't be that bad of a thing, as you get to re-enjoy those first few days of making progress. And there's always enough time to restart, right? But yeah, very interesting and dangerous thoughts. I've also been slacking off mentally a lot, and been in that zone where I feel so confident that I won't reset that I'm happy to keep fantasizing. Part of me assumes the fantasies will just go away over time naturally, so there's no need to fight them now if they're not a risk that might lead to a reset, but coming close to resetting this morning has woken me up a bit. Spoiler: Edging/Leaking In-Depth I also edged a little bit when I wasn't hard, which for some reason I didn't think was grounds for a reset. (I have completely avoided edging when hard for the last 16 days) I'm going to make any edging of any kind grounds for a reset from this point on, but I'm not going to reset right now because of it, as if I reset, then I know I'm going to go and do a lot of P straight away, probably for the next few days all in a row. What's annoying to me is sometimes when I spontaneously leak, or am on the edge of leaking, usually purely from fantasizing. I also find that if I'm right on the edge of leaking, when I'm in the loo I don't want to leave while I'm still on the edge of leaking, but on the other hand, it feels like edging to get rid of the leak in the normal way. Sorry for the details. Anyways, hopefully if I work on my fantasies/working out more often, this will be less of a problem.
For whatever reason, I've been thinking about this: P= absolutely not M= perhaps, but not a part of my plan. O= if it happens involuntarily, then ok. P+M= dangerous and destructive, should never be mixed. M+O= a natural act however has potential for abuse, especially in my case. Edging= same as M+O since the edge has a tendency to move without warning, leading to unexpected O or worse, unintended O, unless I give in conscientiously, which is not a part of my plan. Subs= ok, sort of, I guess. Depending on the level of what's displayed. Face pics are ok. Dangerous in the sense that content cannot be controlled, leading to temptation. Fantasy= ok, but has the ability to lead to further undesirable action. Urges= perfectly natural and expected, however, how they are dealt with is important, to avoid leading into physical manifestation. Showers= not a fan of cold showers though hygiene is important. Temptation exists to wash more than required. I consider all of this. Traps are everywhere.
Got to 17 days. Today was really really tough, had to work out this morning and then took a cool shower this afternoon, which I think helped a bit. Just need to work on controlling the fantasies a bit more... starting with my new team at work tomorrow, so hopefully that should give me something else to focus on. P.S. Found this when hitting the panic button today... really helpful. https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/53k7t9/a_list_of_all_the_bullshit_you_tell_yourself/
Day 18. Work was stressful, but also distracting so didn't have much room for fantasies. Hopefully now I'm working again full time (after the break last week) I will have less issues going forward.
Day 26 I have a great deterrent for edging. This works for me and I hope it helps someone. Whenever the idea enters my mind to edge, even just a little bit (as I've told myself in the past), I must remember the feeling I get when unintentionally fall over the edge. At that point it's too late to follow through successfully, so I would attempt to catch up only to ruin myself anyway, as a hopeless attempt to make it at least worthwhile as I watch my progress go down the drain. Literally. So what I do today is, when I get the urge, I remind myself how many days I currently have, I ask myself is it worth the risk of losing it all, as edging, to me, is very similar to the instability of nitroglycerine. One wrong move and it's all over. And that's how it usually would end. And it won't even be worth as there will be no release involved. Only a frantic attempt to stop the fall while I'm paralyzed in the limbo of regret. It's not worth it. Now with that in my mind in the moment of temptation, and most likely during the act itself, how can I enjoy such an unstable activity? While the entire time worrying about not going over. The risk is too great for absolutely no reward whatsoever. If I'm going that route, then I may as go all the way and at least get something out of it. But I'm not doing that either. The true reward is resisting the urge and being satisfied with my determination.
So, a rather painful update. I reset this morning. Twice. I think it was probably bought on by the stress of starting on the new team, but I had this mad idea that I would reset and just take it easy this week, look at P as much as I wanted, not worry about keeping up the streak, and start it again next week, almost like a holiday from nofap. What surprised me was the incredible sense of regret I felt after resetting the first time... I immediately wanted to go back in time 1 minute so I could stop myself. Then all thoughts of P flew out of my head... until a half hour later, when I found myself looking at some (for the first time in almost 3 weeks) and then I reset again. Damn, that chaser effect is strong. I think one of my main issues is, I was losing sight of the long-term. This whole 180 day reboot thing is supposed to be good long-term, but I'm not really seeing any positive results yet, so I'm mostly just running on the word of others that it's a good idea. (Well, until this morning, anyway. That feeling of regret definitely means I threw away something amazing, even though it's hard to quantify what benefits it's giving me on a day-to-day basis atm) It also makes it hard to focus on the benefits, because after 18 days, you've almost forgotten all the downsides of what it was like doing PMO every day, which were hard to quantify anyway on a day-to-day basis. Going to do my best to ignore any further chaser effects, and just get the streak back again. On the brighter side: I went from struggling to manage 3 days, to getting all the way to 18 days, which is pretty incredible. (Ignoring some minor cases of edging, which I still have to work on) I had the ability to stop myself resetting this morning, if I really wanted. All I had to do was get up, work out, and take a cool shower, and I would have been fine. That feeling of regret is a good sign that my real self actually values this process, and thus, any thoughts I have that I can reset and be fine are just bad thoughts I can ignore. I could have cheated, but I didn't, which I think is a big deal when you lose 18 days of progress in just 30 seconds. Being a hobbit isn't that bad.
