35 year old newbe

Hi all,

After trying several times to get rid of my addiction, I decided to create an NoFap account to see if it can help me in my journey to quit watching porn. Five days ago, I created an account and thought, easy, I'll just quit and let's count the days. After 5 days (yesterday) I relapsed and started the counter again. That is why I want to take this seriously. Because I need it.

I have been watching porn since I was around 14 years old. Well, it was more pictures in these days, at my parents home. For all these years, porn was always there. Or watching mainstream movies with explicit scenes. Everything that triggered me.

When I was 19 years old, I met the girl I am married with right now. But I didn't stop watching porn. Secretly I kept watching. In the meanwhile, two beautiful daughters were born. But I kept watching. I can remember that I even watched porn the moment I came home from the hospital where my wife was after the birth of our first child. I simply couldn't resist. I tried several times to stop, but it didn't help.

It went further. More extreme, bdsm related porn and other categories to get new triggers. Then I decided to date other women for sexual relationships. I contacted them by a bdsm related website and presented myself als a male dominant. I had several contacts that way. Doing all kinds of bdsm related activities, telling them that I was single. After each contact I had regret that I betrayed my wife. I broke the contact, removed the profiles and started to be 'clean' again. But after a while, I created a new account and started contacting other women again. This went on and on. During this period, also PIED was introduced. I used pills to get an erection. I searched for porn for hours every day. I also had several contacts by skype or 'meet random stranger' websited and talked women out of their clothes by giving them many compliments. A few times I booked a trip abroad and told my wife it was for business, but it was to search and meet women. One time my wife found out I was contacting other women. I confessed my sins to her and told her that I would really quit doing this. She forgave me. She is the best wife I could imagine. She is an angel. But after a few months, I had new contacts again. I was so unbelievable selfish and addicted. She found out again. I told her about my porn addiction and that I would stop doing it. After a few months, I said to her I was clean. But after a while, I couldn't stop and secretly started watching porn and dating women again. I saw women as sexual objects and not as women. Every female colleague, woman on the street etc. was an object for me for sexual pleasure.
I am still not lost of my addiction and it is a big struggle for me to get rid of it. I stopped having the contacts with other women, but I still struggle with the porn addiction. I hope this nofap website will help me in getting a clean and good husband with a good level of self esteem. When I read my own story which I just wrote down, I am very ashamed of who I am and what I did to women and my own wife. I hope I can make a new start. Start a life without PM.

 

Hi Jefe Rojo, yes I already had therapy, but that was more related to recovery of marriage. You are probably right that I need more sessions indeed, but I would like to try this first. If it turns out not be enough, I can still search for professional help. But thank you for the suggestion!

 

Thanks bro!

 

Ah same nr of days now. Let's keep it that way ;-)

 

Ai.. I just relapsed. Start of a new threat..