A Complicated Journey

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Staying Positive, Jul 18, 2019.

  1. Staying Positive

    Staying Positive Fapstronaut

    Helping a partner with an addiction is not how I would have expected it to be. I think that's mostly down to the fact that, before all of this happened, I had never heard of sex addiction or knew that anyone could become addicted to porn and masturbation.

    I've posted an introduction to my story here, and I want to use this journalling space so I don't feel that I'm going through this on my own anymore.

    Firstly, I want to start on a positive note. My husband is a lovely man, and is willing to do whatever it takes to beat this addiction. Of course, like every partner, I had my doubts to begin with, and we do have the complicating factor that his mum has Narcassistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and, unfortunately, we know that he similar learnt behaviours that he is working on too.

    Victims of narcissistic abuse are often at a very high risk of developing addictions, and in his case he learned to self-sooth in the absence of a loving parent through porn and masturbation. The NPD behaviour taught him to be a fantastic liar, and the two combined to help his addiction spiral out of control whilst keeping it hidden from everyone.

    I knew he'd lied to me. I knew so many stories of women staying in abusive or dysfunction situations that were damaging them, and didn't want to be one of those women. But slowly, I did see signs that he really wanted to change.

    Although I was getting unhappy with our romance and general communication, I never suspected anything was amiss, and so the first I knew of the addiction was when he suddenly broke down in tears and told me everything. I think it took three days to get through the sheer amount of lies and transgressions, and each time he thought he'd said everything he'd suddenly remember a new event. It was heartbreaking to watch, never mind how it felt to hear it all.

    He deleted every social media app, he gave me control of his schedule, he committed to counselling and a PMO reboot, and kept daily journals, including messages to himself to keep him on track. He checked in every two hours, came home when he said he would, and stopped allowing himself to be alone or in triggering situations.

    We are over a year later now, and as much as he'd truly like to forget the addiction he recently relapsed while I was out of the country, and seeing how much it crushed him to relapse is so sad. But I'm here for him, every step of the way, and how he talked about his addiction last night really highlighted how he feels about it.

    He said that addiction feels like having another voice in your head, that sounds like your own and tells you 'yes, this is a good idea'. Only after you edge or relapse do you realise that it wasn't your voice, it was the addiction, and you were tricked again. He said it feels like watching a film where you are rooting for the main protagonist, and then halfway through the film you realise that he is actually the bad guy.

    Something I had to learn early on is that the addiction is not the person. He really feels like he has a monster living inside, and he hates not being able to trust his own judgement or have a good foundation to make choices.

    I am grateful for his openness and honesty, and I am grateful that he trusts me to be his guidance. But it is also a lonely job. When you can't be held by your partner when you are upset without them asking you if giving you a kiss is ok or not, of course it can feel frustrating to always be reminded that you are responsible for boundaries. There are many things I can't change, but at least one that I can change is feeling alone in this journey.

    Thank you to every shared story that helps me feel that I'm not alone. That gives me basis for comparison on behaviour. That helps me ground myself. You're all rockstars.
     
  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    You sound very compassionate and understanding, your husband truly has a magnificent wife.
     
  3. Staying Positive

    Staying Positive Fapstronaut

    Yesterday was day 8 and we ended up, after a good day, having a strange kind of argument.

    We’ve been trying to focus on him being more intentional, intentional with time and energy for example, and he’s been doing pretty well. He’s actually using the bullet journal system at the moment, and it’s so so good for organising your day and tasks.

    But then, last night, he wandered away from me and got out his iPad to work on things for his Dungeons and Dragons group. Now, we both play D&D and we both run our own groups, which is great and social and all that, but recently he’s been obsessing over getting “planning work” done for his group, and I realised that his behaviour is starting to almost fill the space of the sex addiction.

    When he couldn’t watch porn, or maybe when he was trying to distract himself from masturbating or from feeling lonely (one of his triggers) he would play hours of mindless video games. Think Call of Duty. During his reboot, he’s also taking a break from video games, and it seems like he’s struggling not to replace that with something else.

    When I confronted him and told him that it didn’t feel right for him to be doing that writing activity now, he got upset at me and asked “if not now, when?” He argued that it needed to be done before Thursday, and every time he wanted to get it done I stopped him, so it was just making him more and more anxious. At first I felt awful, but when he said “It feels like you’re controlling my life” it clicked, and I recognised this as a conversation we have had before that happens when his harmful behaviours are threatened.

    So I listened to every book I’ve read, and tried not to feel guilty about my feelings or apologise for my needs as a partner. Instead I managed to explain where my bad gut feeling was coming from. Spending time during an evening on a hobby should feel fun, relaxing or rewarding. This didn’t. He felt instead like a man having to force himself to sit at the computer on a Friday evening and work on an important work presentation that the boss wants done by yesterday or you’re in big trouble. Of course, if other people rely on your hobby then you might be under some pressure, but leaving your wife to eat dinner alone to do it just felt wrong.

    Once he understood, his defensiveness completely dropped and he said thank you to me for sticking with my gut instinct and that he could clearly see it was a negative thing now. He’s been intentional about setting time aside dedicated to it now, and in the end the evening ended on a good note.

    Why is it so hard to stick to your gut instincts and not apologise and give in? Is it years of the lies of the addiction deceiving you? Apologising for not being enough or denying your instincts that “something is wrong”? Before, the addiction made him lie to me, so now we’re going to beat this thing this is a reminder to myself that gut instincts are good. He’s going to put up a fight, the addiction wants to indulge, but inside he just wants to get better, and he’s relying on you to fight the demon when it takes over so he can come back.
     
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  4. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    This reminds me of some of the posts @Queen_Of_Hearts_13 use to make about Jak's obsession with beautiful cars. I agree that we should trust our instincts, but we do need something to fill the void and sometimes that something may feel grey. I worry sometimes that I sink too much time and emotional energy into this site, but it's way better than spending the time immersed in porn.
     
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  5. Staying Positive

    Staying Positive Fapstronaut

    Absolutely, filling the space definitely seems difficult. It’s amazing how much the “why” behind what you do with your time is just as important as the “what” you choose to do.
     
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  6. Staying Positive

    Staying Positive Fapstronaut

    My husband's relapse happened when I left Germany to fly home to the UK for three weeks. Once he realised he'd had a serious relapse and told me about it, we of course immediately decided that a reboot would be the right thing to do.

    After first he told me over a year ago about having a sex addiction he knew that he wanted to do a "monk mode" reboot. No PMO, no sex, no nothing. At the time I was dealing with what I later learned to be the effects of trauma from being told at last about everything that had been happening, and was mostly focussed on trying to decide if I should stay in the relationship or leave. For that reason, I most certainly was not in a good space to be intimate or have sex, and so a few months of intimacy boundaries worked well for me too.

    When he first disclosed everything, I of course felt absolutely shocked, numb, distraught, all the feelings that I now realise are somewhat universal to the partners of sex addicts. I also felt betrayed, and for the first few days my brain could not get around the fact that this wonderful man had cheated on me with so many women on chat rooms and social media apps over the years. He even went so far as to make a profile on a dating/hookup site, but never met a woman in person as far as I know. It took a lot of research for me to realise that "being cheated on" wasn't quite right. It wasn't that he didn't love me and was looking for love elsewhere. It also wasn't that he didn't find me attractive. He didn't want a polyamorous relationship.

    It was just the addiction doing what it could to escalate the sex. He particularly used to gravitate towards anything adrenaline inducing, so the live chats became the new porn videos.

    But as mentioned before, even with the realisation that this was the addiction, not the man that loved me, I still most definitely wanted a break from even thinking about sex until the traumatic feelings calmed down.

    Returning back to the current reboot and I'm seriously struggling. I don't have the same traumatic feelings this time. I was upset for a few hours when he told me, but mostly because he was doing so well until then. In the weeks before I left for the UK, he'd also been telling me how he was totally over his addiction and didn't want to keep bringing it up anymore. So yes, I was upset with myself as well for not being more vigilant and believing he'd be ok on his own. But I got back, we talked and decided that with no blame or shame we were just going to stick to the program and do another reboot.

    And now I have to admit something really selfish. I did not want him to reboot.

    I had been away from my husband, who I love very much, for nearly a month, and coming back to three more months of limited physical intimacy felt like a personal punishment to me for being so lax in my partner accountability duties. Things had definitely become a bit tense before I took a break away from him, but I thought a little space would make things better, not worse.

    We lay together, kissing and touching, but he of course kept his jeans on to keep temptation to a minimum, which meant he wasn't relaxing completely and no matter how long we stayed together, I ended up feeling frustrated, unloved and even more opposed to his reboot. He's even offered to give me oral sex to make me orgasm so I don't feel this way, but that's not what I want either.

    He doesn't watch porn at home, although he has been looking at some videos using his phone that are starting to "edge" towards porn while out the house at work, and he didn't masturbate until his recent time living alone. So yes, he does need some kind of reboot to take the decision-making out. Leave your phone at home or turned off, no browsing YouTube, that kind of thing.

    But although I want to support him, I really do, I can't help hearing the selfish voice in my head that says "Oh right, and what are you going to do for the next three months eh? Take up knitting?". I don't watch porn. I don't masturbate. But sometimes it feels like "why the hell not?", because clearly being so diligent in my physical devotion to him is being neither reciprocated nor rewarded.

    Then I take a deep breath and try to think rationally.

    Then, I read this old post from @ILoathePwife :


    This. This is what I needed. It's not orgasm I'm missing out on; it's lovemaking. Gentle bonding behaviours. Sex without orgasm. And you know what? That doesn't stop him doing his PMO. He's been avoiding sex because he's doing a reboot, but when you actually look at it, Karezza sex does not involve porn, masturbation or orgasm.

    The main feeling was relief, that it was ok for me to feel weird about this arbitrary physical boundary when, in reality, PMO is learning to disassociate those three things with bonding, love and intimacy. Waiting until PMO was over to have sex would just give both of us permission to make sex orgasm-oriented, with no rules in place to help break the cycle and learn something new.

    My only barrier now is that, while my husband agrees that this is a great idea, he's way too terrified about orgasming by accident to actually try it, bless his heart. Not to mention that paranoia and nervousness around having sex mean worries about losing an erection, which is the ultimate self-fulfilling prophecy. So we're going to have to take this very slowly, but even just having a plan has helped me feel more wanted - less like the bad guy in this reboot.

    I don't need to be ignored. I'm not only allowed to have sex when he's allowed to orgasm. We can have a full and fulfilling sex life without porn, masturbation or orgasm.
     
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  7. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Did he think about just doing a 'normal mode' reboot, i.e. no porn and no masturbation, but sex with your partner is OK? That's what I opted for, I think no sex would have taken away something that is important for our intimacy. Just a thought.
     
  8. Staying Positive

    Staying Positive Fapstronaut

    I did talk to him about that, but he really does get much too hooked on orgasm and would most likely just replace masturbating with sex. This is what used to happen in our relationship before I knew about the addiction, and I'd often feel used afterwards (although I didn't really understand at the time). So it was definitely porn, masturbation and orgasm for the reboot, which then meant sex was off the table "by default" because it was so closely associated to orgasm.

    But you're right, I think sex with your partner should be ok, and I think (hope) we're going to be adjusting the reboot to that effect if he's on board.
     
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  9. Staying Positive

    Staying Positive Fapstronaut

    This morning I feel awful, and at least I have this journal because I really feel like I don’t have anywhere else to turn.

    PMO going fine, although I suppose that depends on how you qualify it. He hasn’t acted out, which is the main thing.

    Yesterday I think I was alone with him for a total of about two hours through the whole day. He had work, and then after work I joined him and his friends for some tabletop gaming which ran extremely late and resulted in us going straight to bed as soon as we got home. Where I then laid awake for about two hours in the dark feeling lonely.

    He was out of the house all yesterday, and will be today as well, so I made sure to cook lunch and dinner for him, the latter of which I physically take to him at work at the end of the day. We agreed a little while ago that sorting out his work lunches should be his responsibility, so that felt a little like going back to old habits to be sorting that out for him.

    Taking responsibility was pretty much the theme of this reboot, but he’s still very careless about how he does it. And I think that’s part of the narcissist FLEAS more than the addiction. Not thinking ahead, planning, or making time for what’s important rather than only doing important things when there happens to be time.

    So this morning when I woke up feeling sad and lonely, he got upset at me. How was he supposed to know this was how I felt when I hadn’t told him? This feeling can’t just have been from yesterday, I must have had it for a while and been hiding it. His reaction to me telling him how I feel was to get upset and tell me that I should have told him how I felt.

    So he asked for some solutions, and I said to keep on top of his jobs, to journal more thoroughly so I can find out more about his feelings, especially as a way to communicate when we don’t have any physical time together. What I guess I really meant to say was “be responsible, make decisions”.

    I know his response is an old and very stubborn behaviour, and he doesn’t like how defensive he gets either. He’ll cool off during the day, and hopefully things will be alright later. But for now, I feel sad, and I feel guilty, that it’s my problem to sort out, and there is nothing he can do so I need to just be patient.

    I feel so frustrated. I’m reading so many self-help books and forums, finding communication techniques, bonding behaviours to try, and yet when I tell him about them it feels like he’s just waiting for me to filter all the information and then tell him “ok, here’s a step by step plan to make everything ok”.

    I know the addict relies on their accountability partner, but I’m not a therapist. It shouldn’t be up to me to schedule a talking session, add it to his calendar and then turn up with a presentation on my research to give to him. If he just stops PMO, then nothing will get better. Nothing will get worse either, but nothing will get better. PMO helps reset the brain and let the chemicals return to normal levels. Everything else you have to work on.

    Right now, I do find it sad that I can’t express this to him. Not that I feel that I couldn’t articulate the thoughts, but more that I just can’t predict what reaction I would get. He can be so up and down, especially if it’s a particularly good or bad day at work. I don’t think he understands, for example, that the idea of keeping a journal is to truthfully and honestly take a look at your emotions, take a minute to rise above the madness of the day and try to centre yourself so you can make the best decisions you can.

    I need him to take more responsibility for his time, energy, reactions, relationship input and self-development. But it will take time. Today I feel bad, but let’s hope tomorrow is better.
     
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  10. Staying Positive

    Staying Positive Fapstronaut

    As if I needed any signs that reaching out to a community was the right thing to do, right after writing the above I read this post by @HeartBrokenAndScared :

    This is like someone just reached in my head, saw the mess and confusion and doubt and sorted it nearly out into five bullet points, just like that. I could cry with relief right now at just seeing this reassurance that these are reasonable requests to make, that I’m not going mad, I’m not alone, and once more this forum makes me feel a little less isolated.

    When I wrote “I know the addict relies on their accountability partner, but I’m not a therapist. It shouldn’t be up to me to schedule a talking session...” etc., inside I felt a massive pang of guilt. Like that was a bad thing to say. But as this is my journal I decided to be honest and say it anyway, even if just to hold myself accountable for having the thought.

    And then, right there in black and white on my screen, the first bullet point. “Trust me when I say that your SO does NOT want to follow you around and nag you and tell you what you do and when to do it and how, so on, so on. The difference between an addict in sobriety and an addict in recovery is often found in how active they are with and in their own recovery”.

    I think that’s what I needed. I think I can face the day now. Thank you so much for posting this HeartBroken.
     
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  11. Sir Minato

    Sir Minato Fapstronaut

    Hey @Staying Positive
    I have read this whole journal now (not the background thread) and I am moved by your compassion and willingness to understand and stand this through, but also by your feeling of loneliness and your need to bond.
    I got a suggestion that doesn't involve sexual risky situations but could still satisfy your bonding need.
    In the book "Cupid's poisoned arrow", before you start with Karezza, the author suggests doing exchange practices. These can start after two weeks of being orgasm free, since you have strong hormone flactuation in the first two weeks that don't let you perceive the soft benefits of exchange.
    Also there is general Bonding signs that you can use all the time, in the two weeks aswell. You should talk to your partner about your needs and also explain to him that he is more numbed to these bonding signs since he had orgasm, dopamine receptors wear off. He should try participate anyways. It will give oxytocin to both of you, and that's a good glue for your whole thing. (You probably know that but I'm just gonna write it anyways.)

    Since you told us you are from Germany and I have this book in German, I can send you some of the pages that are relevant. I'll just DM you :)

    Wish you the best on your journey.
     
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  12. Staying Positive

    Staying Positive Fapstronaut

    Day 15

    Being overly busy the last couple of days definitely made me feel distant, and I was really struggling to find a way connected to my husband again. Because of the 37°C heat his office at work has been staggeringly hot, so he decided to work from home yesterday to be able to both sit by the AC and to be around me during the day to help me feel less lonely. It was a very sweet gesture, but his work is pretty intense and he had a lot of conference calls, so I didn't really feel like he was present at home.

    The benefit of him working from home was that he could power through his jobs and then finish a little earlier than usual, and we decided to go out for the evening for swimming and saunas to try and make some space to connect. I still felt a little awkward in conversation with him, like we were talking on different wavelengths, and it was hard to draw him into a conversation about emotions or feelings without him withdrawing or changing the subject.

    Not that he doesn't want to talk about that kind of thing; he asks me how I'm feeling, and tries to express how he is feeling, he just finds it very difficult and it clearly makes him feel awkward and vulnerable.

    What going to the saunas did do however was finally make me feel really, really relaxed. I realised I'd been neglecting my own self-care, and was incredibly tense (which was probably contributing to my feelings of loneliness and sadness). After a few hours I felt so much better!

    We talked more easily while we cooked dinner, and when we went to bed I decided to ask him if he would read one of the threads on the NoFap forums and tell me his thoughts. Getting him to read someone else's journey was, for some reason yesterday, the key to getting him to open up. For some reason, him being able to comment on someone else's behaviour allowed him to talk about addiction issues more openly and easily without being so self-conscious, and I think we ended up laying in bed and talking openly with each other until something stupid like 1:30am.

    I also feel like he responded positively to the messages from The Betrayed, The Addicted and The Expert podcast, especially the point about being active to become an addict in recovery, rather than an addict in sobriety. He still needs to find his way, find his own steps to recovery and take the lead now, but I feel like we have a better starting point. Not to mention how incredibly validating and encouraging that podcast is for me as a partner in not feeling so alone.
     
  13. Sir Minato

    Sir Minato Fapstronaut

    Wow, reading this really moved me. I'm happy that you had such a good time together. It's also great you got your tension off :) You guys are on the right path, I wish the best for both of you!
     
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  14. Staying Positive

    Staying Positive Fapstronaut

    Thanks Sir W. I think it’s just yet another example of how this forum helps people in so many ways!
     
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  15. Staying Positive

    Staying Positive Fapstronaut

    Day 16

    Yesterday my husband was busy getting on with various tasks and jobs, so I was at a bit of a loose end and I decided to start reading Cupid's Poisoned Arrow, after having it so repeatedly recommended. I have previously learned a little about Tantric/Tantra sex, so I thought maybe it will be a little like that sort of thing?

    I guess I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting, but what I started reading was a shockingly accurate description of my current feelings and the status of our relationship.

    Not only my longing for meaningful sex without the constant pressure of orgasms, but more unexpectedly the accurate manner in which the author outlined the feelings of drifting apart after some length of time. Of feeling out of sync, irrational desires to run away and even women starting to sleep in a separate bed, all while still loving their partner but seemingly unable to stop these feelings.

    So I had a bunch of intense realisations and emotions about reading this book, but also huge apprehension on broaching the subject to my husband. In the end I felt like there was no particularly good time to start a conversation, so when he took a break from his jobs and sat next to me I started explaining the general ethos of the book, and asked if "giving up orgasms" was something he'd consider.

    Sufficed to say, and I am not surprised given the nature of sex addiction, this triggered all kinds of feelings in him of fear, anger, panic, and he understandably criticised the book's logic and argued that he always feels better after an orgasm, not worse. He did eventually agree to try it in spite of his doubts, so perhaps practical experimentation will help us see if a new way of sex can be more healthy for us.

    He calmed down and tried to comfort me, but I felt so emotionally drained that it took me a long time to return to a more balanced emotional state. By the time we headed to bed, he was still quite tense but also keen to try and be more affectionate and intimate. I helped him to try and breathe slowly and identify his emotions and just feel them, rather than suppress or ignore them. This seemed to work, and he relaxed, pulling me closer and allowing me to give him a gentle embrace and soft stroking along his neck and upper torso.

    After about twenty minutes, he started to yawn and fall asleep and I realised this was all a one-way deal this evening. I respect that in a way, all affection is one-way, you can never expect, demand or be entitled to reciprocation, so along with rejection I felt extreme embarrassment and humiliation that I'd put myself in that vulnerable position, and once again that I should not have tried any 'bonding behaviours'.

    It's the bonding behaviours that I'm so desperately craving. As this PMO goes on, I'm feeling both more and more lonely and convinced that without the temptation of orgasm he is completely unmotivated to work on bonding or touch, let alone to try and work on sex.

    So he turned off the light and asked to spoon, and he's one of those people who seem to be able to fall asleep in about 12 seconds flat, and tonight was no exception as I lay awake feeling absolutely awful about myself. I felt failure wash over me again, and a complete helplessness that I just don't understand addiction and that despite my best efforts I am still not enough.

    And so I spent another night on the sofa. This wouldn't be significant except that for the first time I realised what a serious sign it was that something was wrong. It's started happening more frequently, but I've been mostly hiding it from my husband. He falls asleep so fast that it's easy to grab a blanket and head to the sofa, and my worry means I wake up before him and can easily lay back in bed beside him without waking him from his heavy sleeping. By the time he wakes up, I don't want to ruin any good mood for that day with my feelings from the day before, so it's simpler to just not mention it and start a new day.

    And then I read about it as a symptom in Cupid's Poisoned Arrow, and I realised that I don't know what whacked logic I've been feeding myself, but that feeling physically unable to sleep beside your husband because of the feelings of rejection, humiliation and loneliness is not something you should just stamp down and forget about.

    Sometimes, I feel like we sit down in our relationship and have a long and honest discussion about a difficult topic and, although it might sometimes cause heartache or tears, we feel so much better afterwards. When that has not been the case was before I found out about the sex addiction. We'd have a big 'talk' about him always being late to pick me up, being emotionally unavailable, pressuring sex, incessant video gaming and internet use. Each time we'd reach some sort of conclusion, which would work for a little while, but then the problems would start again. Coming home early from work to consistently interrupting him masturbating, or him failing to keep an erection and then admitting he'd masturbated that morning when I was still asleep. Again, problems that we tried to put solutions in place for but that kept failing and causing frustration.

    All because we were missing the key puzzle piece; sex addiction.

    When you realise that, all the behaviours make sense, and you have to come at them from a completely different angle. You realise now why a promise to try not to masturbate so much was never going to work, the problem was way beyond that and needed a different approach.

    That's how I feel now. Something is wrong in our relationship, and treating the symptoms of our current problems is not going to work. We need to find the core something that is not functioning correctly, that is missing, that is going wrong. And there are many possibilities for what that something could be (no longer attracted to each other, he's hiding something else, no longer compatible, he doesn't want to do this PMO anymore), but right now I think that the book made a lot of sense that orgasm could be the catalyst that's, in the most ironic way possible, slowly distancing us and pushing us apart.

    At least it's worth a try.
     
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  16. Sir Minato

    Sir Minato Fapstronaut

    Maybe you should try the approach differently.
    While his reboot, you are not going to have sex anyways. So you are using all of the things the book gives to make you feel closer together instead of him having to decide already whether he wants to give up orgasms. I can relate to him seeing this as a danger and panic. Because right now he is probably hoping that him rebooting will lead to him having a healthy sexual life with you after, and if that's taken away now, that's shattering.

    You should let the topic be less of a danger, rather than "look, there are some interesting things in here, and we can find various ways to implement them"
    For example one could reduce the amount of orgasms/ one could start implementing alot of bonding behaviour that would counter the effects of orgasm. There is no exact right way to use this info. Tell him that for now you only want to use the bonding rituals offered so you can get through the reboot better as a couple, and after that you can see how you both feel about it.
    And confront him with your feelings.
    I think this is really important. Tell him how you feel, and that you long for his closeness, his touch. Tell him that you were afraid to tell him because you didn't wanna ruin the mood on a new day, but for some time already you were able to fall asleep next to him.
    You are expecting transparency from his side. You should be transparent, too. Because the same thought of " not wanting to ruin anyone's mood and bother anyone with one's problems" might have been one of his reasons to not speak about his addiction for so long. Together with the fear of rejection and not being understood.
    Tell him how you felt this evening. That you stroke him and you longed for him to be affectionate towards you, too.
    Because in his world, everything was alright. He most likely didn't know how you felt, and the fact that he can fall asleep so quickly is a sign of him not having anything he still thinks about, feeling like everything is alright.
    That's why you have to let him know. Because you can't take it as a rejection if he doesn't know. If you were to open up to him, and THEN he doesn't want to exchange bonding signs, that would be rejection.
    When you have unspoken desires and expectations, there is no way for him to know; even when your feeling is very real for you. :)
     
  17. Sir Minato

    Sir Minato Fapstronaut

    You are craving for a solution for your problems, for your feeling. And the book seems to offer all that.
    But maybe the better solution for the two of you is opening up about this so you can both decide how to deal with that.
    You can use the book as an inspiration, too.
    You shall not forget that the book heavily polarises against orgasms. It has science to back up. But it's like with everything in life: sugar, fun things like videogames; everything has their down side. Mostly people don't just stop eating sugar all together. They start eating less sugar, and start eating more healthy foods at the same time.
    This would already do alot.
    And it would be better for the psyche for both of you if this was a more relaxed topic. Since you both won't eat sugar for 90 days anyways, just try the healthy food for now. And then make it an experiment, if he wants to take part in it. And if not, confront him about the bad feelings it causes you. That you can't understand why he doesn't want to have a look. But I'm sure he is curious, too. He is just afraid that you single handedly decided that no more orgasms ever was the solution for everything, and that is a scary thing. It is something you should decide as a couple, it is a very sensitive topic. Especially if you have had normal sex for years.
     
  18. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Talking is important, but trust your instincts too.
     
  19. Staying Positive

    Staying Positive Fapstronaut

    You're so right. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to hide how awful I felt...I don't even think I realised I was holding so much in. Of course I have no idea if not having orgasms helps anything or just makes it all worse, I just want to try it, but I can see how it might cause so much stress and panic to think that it has all been suddenly taken out of his control, rather than just put out there as a decision we can make together.

    We talked this morning once he woke up, and I told him how distant I feel, and I think maybe it was a surprise for him. You were right, I was expecting him to work on a problem that I was also deliberately hiding from him so as not to make him feel bad. That was a bad cycle to be in. Hopefully talking this morning was the start of letting him know that I need to see more change. I need him to start making this reboot work for him, and that the day counter is not just an arbitrary no-sex counter that isn't actually helping us learn to be intimate.
     
    Sir Minato likes this.
  20. Sir Minato

    Sir Minato Fapstronaut

    Did you also tell him why you feel this distant? If you don't clarify this he might fear you are losing your love for him or something.
    You are feeling distant because you did not open up to him and give him opportunity to address some of your feelings, your loneliness, and your strong need for intimacy and bonding.
    It was your responsibility to be open about that. He can't be blamed. You could tell him that you want to do differently now and to involve him instead of wanting him to have an unworried day.
    Explain him why you feel that way. The specific situations. Your expectations. And then see if he understands, if he can relate. This will make the distance go away. :)
     

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