A fantasy came true with my SO. But I'm a fantasy addict. Is this good or bad?

Is it healthy? I would really love to hear from SOs and PAs on this, but warn that it **may be triggering**

What happened: I was making love with my gf. 5-10 minutes of foreplay, I went to perform oral but she said no, then we started PIV. I had an emission in less than 2 minutes (so PE, but after 21 days of no O, it just came out . . . a pretty sad orgasm, really). Then she said something to the effect of "Honey, I still need to have an orgasm" and so went down and gave her oral until she had an orgasm.

After that: we curled up and went to sleep together. The next day she remarked several times how much she enjoyed our lovemaking from the night before and I agreed.

That sounds great, right? Not a big deal right? Or is it? I'm not sure. Surely someone who is squeamish about body fluids might find that scenario unnerving. But the trouble for me is that I have had a fantasy for years of giving oral to a woman after having unprotected sex and it just happened for the first time!!

As a fantasy addict, it's hard not to think about what happened last night and hard to not think about wanting it to happen again or what other fantasies it might lead to. And I do not want my partner to become an object of my fantasies. She's my reality and I'm trying to keep it that way.

I imagine now that we've done it once, it might become the norm. Any thoughts from SO's or other PAs? This all happened fairly organically. Can I just enjoy this or do I need be careful? Should I try to stop it all together?

 

Sorry if this is triggering or TMI, but I wanted to provide some details on this fantasy in case it might be helpful:

Spoiler: Trigger Warning / TMI

The root: screwed up childhood and my first girlfriend (in college) did not have sex with me until the very end of our 1 1/2 year relationship. We would fool around and sleep together fairly often but she would only let me finger her or give her oral. She would not have sex with me or give me oral, or any sexual pleasure really, even though I knew that she had done these things with other guys. We had sex twice, towards the end of the relationship. I was extremely frustrated but I kept hoping that the oral would eventually lead to PIV with her and, I had to admit, I really enjoyed giving her pleasure. Later I found good reason to suspect that she was having sex with other men during that time and I'm pretty sure that on at least one occasion she came over and had me give her oral after she'd had unprotected sex with another man.

Perhaps it's betrayal trauma, or maybe I just had no skills for handling that and found myself re-creating that situation over and over again (or at least trying to).

I sought out and fantasied about:

1. Having a partner who would only let me give her oral sex (sexual denial)
2. A partner who would make me give her oral sex (submission)
3. A partner who would have sex with other men and only let me perform oral sex (cuckold/creampie)
4. A partner who would make me give her oral after sex (cream pie, precursor to #3?)

The fantasies developed in roughly that order. #4 seemed like a way to experience at least some aspects of #3 without having to go all the way through with the cuckold fantasy. These fantasies used to centre around the idea of me being sexually inadequate / having a small penis. In the last few years I've developed fantasies around having PE. In my twisted mind, if the PE was bad enough, then I wouldn't be able to satisfy my partner with my penis and would need to turn towards the oral skills, potentially leading to one of the 4 scenarios listed above.

One curious thought about PE. If I can accept what happened last night as "normal" maybe having PE and giving oral afterwards isn't a bad thing at all. It seems that all my life I have been very good at delayed ejaculation (DE), possibly due to a lifetime of excessive masturbation. Not always, but most of the time I could last as long as I wanted. I was focused on the idea that all the fun ended when I had my orgasm, so I tried to avoid it. In reality, I would have sex with my partner until my arms got tired, or my legs cramped up, or we got too sweaty or I just ran out of energy. By that point, it was hard to achieve orgasm and more often than not I would end our love-making without having an orgasm myself. Thinking myself the martyr, satisfied that I had given my partner an orgasm and that we had sufficiently engaged in bonding activity, I was happy to let it go and cuddle the night away.

I can say that it's all in the name of karezza, but I'm not sure that's really whats going on. It takes a lot of effort to not orgasm and maybe that makes me less present with my partner. Maybe it's keeping me from really bonding with her. And I know that she wants me to have orgasms, too. Maybe it would all be better if I just let myself PE and settle into a routine of giving her oral after.

 

I'm still unsure. In a judgement free world, it shouldn't be a big deal, not much different than kissing after oral. Heck, it really wasn't that different than simply giving oral!

Yet the thought of it is intoxicating . . . Perhaps it will lose it's charm if it becomes more of a regular thing.

But it's also one step closer to realising one of my cuckold fantasies. I'm tempted to see if next time she'll

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

sit on my face.

I absolutely love having unprotected with sex with her, but the downside is the mess it makes and I always wish she wouldn't leave to clean up after. It would be so nice if we could just stay in bed, cuddle and sleep together after our lovemaking without her having to leave our nest to clean up the mess that I made inside of her. Maybe if she would

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

flip over and get on top of me when I gave her oral, then I could lick her clean and

then we could just stay in bed together.