A journal of recovery

Hello everybody! Thank you everybody who contributes to this wonderful group. It has been very helpful to me as a new Christian to read your various threads and contributions.

I have only been going to church since 2021. I still struggle with lust. I really hope you don't mind me posting my journal here? I think it would really help me if I could journal my attempts to give up MO here. I am currently starting over from day 1

I am new but I am eager to learn. Please be patient with me.

Psalm 25 4-5
Show me your ways Lord,
teach me your paths.
Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

 

Thank you Tao Jones and CPilot!

I am really happy to receive such a warm welcome! I know it sounds daft but I still get nervous about posting online. This is such a personal subject that it makes it even more difficult. You have both really put me at ease thank you. I hope that maybe in future I can be of some help and support myself.

I admire and look up to posters on here, in the same way that I admire and look up to the members of my church who have welcomed me so kindly, and to my girlfriend too who has been a Christian for 18 years.

 

Day 2

Anyway I am now on day 2, hooray for me I guess lol. I'll update daily for a while because the first ten days are the most difficult to bear I find.
Sorry about my first entry being so long! I guess there is a lot to cover here.

What I want is to go into church each Sunday and know that I have obeyed and loved God the best that I can, I have stayed chaste, and that I do not have those revolting images in the back of my mind when I try to sing and pray and worship. I do not want to give off 'creepy old man' vibes when I try to relate to other people. I want to stay faithful to my girlfriend, and not cheat on her in my mind. I want to instinctively see women as image-bearers of God and not as objects of lust to be perved over.

I am so weak. I must not stop relying on God even for a second, or the urges will shut down my brain and put me on autopilot and I will sin. I am so bad at this!

I must continue to study my Bible and other books and pray frequently. I need good knowledge of passages on lust and sexual immorality so I have a solid answer to temptation. I must also leave my flat and go out for a walk whenever I am tempted, I must literally flee from sexual immorality.

You know what I think the problem is? I think this all still scares me a little bit. I didn't find God until 2021. I am 42. I had previously bought into the modern secular idea that sex is a fundamental human right for all. Yet now I am probably called to spend the rest of my life without sex or MO. I mean, I would love to wed my girlfriend one day, but I can't yet assume that this is going to happen.

Part of me finds this liberating and wonderful. I have been a miserable slave to pornography and sinful sexual habits for so long, the idea of total freedom makes me feel joyful and liberated. I can finally be free. But sadly, another part of me - the worldly part - finds this absolutely terrifying. Actually, literally, scary. How can a living breathing human being survive for decades without orgasming? I know I can, but the society around me will continue to pose me that question.

 

@Tao Jones
Thank you! I will check out your journal too, and those of other posters here, there is so much I can learn from the experiences of others. I agree that Gods way is so superior to my own. I mis-spent most of my adult life in lonely sinful behaviour and it did me no good at all. I know from the positive changes that I have already seen in my life that I am doing the right thing. I really need to let go of my anxieties about this and just to trust in God.

@value
Thank you too! It is great to meet you too. I really appreciate the warm welcome here. It has made it easier to open up about some fairly sensitive problems and concerns.

@CPilot
Thanks! Everybody associated with my church has been incredibly warm and welcoming and so have you and everybody here. I just wish I had found Jesus sooner. It would have spared me a lot of heartache and self-destructive behaviour. I agree with you, it is hard to avoid the pressure from secular society to give up or water down what we believe in. I am lucky that my parents and brother are supportive of me even though they don't share my beliefs.

 

Day 3

Today is going to be more difficult. It has been a few days and the urges have started to get more serious now. I always found that the first few days are hard, then the first few weeks, then it gets much easier. So I think new year's eve is going to be difficult. I have those two days off work, I will be spending new year's eve on my own at home, and I will probably be very tempted indeed!
Ephesians 6:13
Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

I am much more comfortable now with the idea of long-term celibacy. All of that wasted energy will now go into prayer and study and hard work and doing the will of my loving Creator. I will be able to relate to people in a well-adjusted way. I will instinctively look women in the eyes and not in the bosoms. I will be faithful to my girlfriend and not cheat on her with mental images.

P is really not appealing to me at the moment. I feel like Jesus is healing me of my sick desire for it. I have already been healed of my mental health disorders. I must always give thanks and praise for how lucky I am and remember to always glorify God not only in my body, but in all things I do.

Finally this article shows how Jesus healed a woman of her issues with P, and how P had sadly warped her perception of other women and men. For me, P has made me guilty and shifty around women, and perhaps hasn't helped with my perception of other men either. I like the different perspective here and I also take heart as it shows how we can all be healed.
https://www.livingout.org/resources...men-and-women-and-how-jesus-restored-my-heart

 

Hi @value - thank you, I appreciate your reply, it was very helpful. I was an atheist for a very long time and that is probably coming through in how I write. I have realised that sadly, I have had trouble letting go of my old selfish ways. I am still feeling the sense of entitlement I used to. I need to fully and completely trust in God. I need to celebrate and be thankful for my celibacy and view it as an opportunity that God has blessed me with. I feel good about doing that now.

Hi @CPilot - Thank you too, I wish I could see people like that! I get really nervous around women, because I am constantly having to cast lustful thoughts out of my mind. Likewise I find men difficult to relate to as well. I am a bit like the lady in the article I posted. After years of P I struggle not to see men as threatening, and women as objects of lust. It is no good. I pray that I can be healed of this but I know I am so far away from having an appropriate way of viewing other people.

Hi @Tao Jones - Thanks! I think my time so far on this website has led to some reflection that has been humbling. I have become aware that I am weaker than I ever realised. I am now accepting a lot of painful home truths about myself. It has been healing and you folks are helping me.

Thank you so much

 

Day 4
Oh dear things are definitely getting more difficult. Yesterday was the first time I really had to distract myself. I did this by reading the Bible, praying, and tidying some of my flat. I have let my place get very untidy over Christmas. I need to keep a flat that is a tidy and welcoming place for guests.

I am realising how much I have struggled let go of my old bad attitude towards sex and physical pleasure. I want to obey God with all my heart, mind, body and soul. I want to fully embrace celibacy and live a good Christian life of obedience to God and service to others. I must put all my heart into doing what is pleasing to God. But I have been half-hearted and stuck in my old ways. No wonder I easily give in to temptation.

 

Thank you Tao Jones! One lady at my church said of herself "becoming a Christian is being the best person you've ever been whilst feeling like the worst." which made me smile. I am actually better than I used to be, in real terms. I used to be utterly ignorant as well as hopeless and at least now I accept I have a problem. But I have come to realise just how weak I am and how much I need Jesus.

 

Only day 5 but it feels like the worst of the immediate urges are out of the way. I feel a bit backed up but that's only normal.

Luke 5:31-32
Jesus answered them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."
These words really inspired me, probably for obvious reasons.

I have no children or wife. In my 20s and 30s I would binge on PMO, cheap alcohol, take drugs, play violent video games, swear and have purile conversations, listen to evil music, work part-time or not at all, and for all of that I felt no joy. I did it to self-medicate as my mental health problems grew steadily worse and worse and eventually I ended up in a psychiatric instutition. I was sick and Jesus healed me. I have been well for over 2 years.

What worries me sometimes is that after a year of attending church and praying and wondering what to do, the recovery isn't complete: I still have problems with lust. I still feel unwanted yearnings for the bad things I used to do. When I was baptised I was asked "Do you renounce all sinful desires that draw you from the love of God?" and I answered faithfully this: "I renounce them all." But I have failed to keep the vows I made during that baptism. I lied. I feel so ashamed of myself.

In 2023 I want everything in my life to belong to God. Not just my sexuality - everything. My relationship, music, food, my home, my friends, my spare time, fasting, everything. I feel a lot of hope about this. I feel like I am slowly changing and being healed. But it will take time.