A message to those who are struggling

I wrote this to someone who personally needed a bit of help, but I hope that it might help a few more.

You have done well at abstaining, especially at the beginning when your motivation and enthusiasm for the challenge was high. And you kept coming back to NoFap and engaging with the site. You bought a guitar, you focused on your health, you saw friends. You had hope, not about abstaining, but about your life. You looked to your life to guide your change.

However, over the last couple of weeks you have become increasingly emotional about the challenge. It may be because you have been reading a lot on NoFap and reading about the emotional suffering people experience during abstaining. And it is very easy to identify and empathise with them. In fact, when you read threads where people are beating their breast and wailing "oh woe is me! This is the hardest thing! I am suffering so much." It is understandable if you think "why aren't I feeling that? Am I doing it wrong? Should I be suffering too to get through this? If I don't suffer is that because it is not working?"

So you start to doubt. And you start to panic. You start testing yourself emotionally about what you are doing. You start to obsess about the challenge. You worry about it. It becomes a stress. You write about it and people respond and try to calm you down and reassure you. And that reassurance feels good. And feeling good makes you believe things are okay and you are doing all right.

But after a while the effect of that reassurance fades and you immediately panic again. And the obsession starts again. And you look for that reassurance again.

And all the while you are doing this, all the time you are getting more and more emotionally engaged in the process your addiction is jumping up and down saying "I can fix this for you. Trust me like you have trusted me all these years. I have the answer. Look at P and all these troubles and stresses will go away. Find relief, unload your worries and start from the beginning afresh."

I have read so many posts, so many threads of people who start of well, but slowly slip into chaos until their addiction finally wins them over. And I believe it is because they are too involved in the process. Here is my way out.

Understand that abstaining takes some effort, but it is not a continuous effort and it is not constant hard work. If you are thinking about porn or masturbation or sex or your penis ALL the time then you are not getting on with your life. You need to get on with your life to succeed in this. You cannot take time out of your life and sit around and wait for this to go away like the flu. You need to live your life and live it fully. You need to fill every part of your life with things to do, place to be, people to meet, chores to complete, games to play, meals to cook and eat, friends to chat to and family to love. The whole point of the challenge is to reintroduce you to the life you have been missing.

If you recognise that your life is lacking somewhere then THAT is your challenge. Not quitting PMO. Your challenge is to build up your life to be what you want it to be. Quitting PMO is what you have to do to achieve that. There is no success in quitting PMO for the sake of it.

NoFap is a great place with a lot of answers. But it is full of a lot of troubles. If you read other people's stories then you must be totally detached from them. Their problems are NOT your problems. Your problems are NOT their problems. I have noticed recently that threads and posts have moved from describing what people are doing to help themselves to describing the misery they are going through. That is no help to anyone so don't read them. Leave the cries for help to those who are in a better position to help. If a thread does not offer you hope then do not reply to it. Forget it. Move on to a thread that DOES inspire you.

When those urges DO come, and they will, recognise them for what they are. There is a part of your brain that is in the habit of firing off requests for attention. In the crowded world your thoughts, your addiction has built up many pathways so that it's voice is loud. It is so loud that it is EASY to spot. It is so autonomous that you can actually sit quietly and listen to it. Completely detached, with no effort you can listen to it suggest, cajole, plead, lie. And when you sit and listen you ask if YOU can hear IT, but YOU are not actually initiating the thoughts, then what actually is IT? you learn that these thoughts are not part of you. They are part of your brain that is acting on its own, doing its own thing for its own survival.

When you hear it and you learn to recognise it and you understand what it is then it is easy to not get involved in what it wants. It suggests you look at porn. No, why should I do what you say. It pleads that you need to look at porn. No, you are not me, this is not what I want. It cajoles you into watching porn. No, you are just a thought, you cannot actually make me do anything. It lies to you about what will happen if you do watch porn or what won't happen if you don't watch. No, I recognise you now as something inside my brain that is unwanted, your lies are just that - lies.

If you have a successful streak, but you are feeling overwhelmed then you need to step away from it all. Consider looking to NoFap only as somewhere to report your progress or keep up your counter. Instead, look at your life and make sure your life is full. Every day has a plan. Every hour there is somewhere to be. You have challenges in your life. You have people to spend time with, have fun with. If you don't have something to do then try a walk in a park, reading a book, cooking a meal for someone, learn the guitar.

These are the focuses of your day. Your NoFap challenge is to be forgotten. Your penis is to be ignored. Detach yourself from the challenge and when you DO get an urge, detach yourself from the addiction rather than worry about it. Resist it without emotion. And then get on with your life.