Addicted brain

Hello all,

Have not posted here in a while.
Here is my long story short.
Almost 39 now, so far:

- around 15 years of heavy drinking addiction - now sober for 9+ years;
- around 10 years of heavy smoking addiction - not had a cigarette in about 7 years;
- around 15 years of addiction to a toxic relationship with a narcissistic woman - now clean for about half a year, prior to that had a remission of 5 years;
- around 25 years of porn and masturbation addiction - never been able to stay clean for more than 20-25 days;

I am getting pretty close to my longest streak, so I believe it is a good time to be more active on this forum, where I can share and receive support from other people like me.

I started my journey against PMO about 3 years ago when on a few occasions I got PIED. For the most part it went away after some time of abstaining from P, used the blue pill 2-3 times in the beginning - although it worked for me, I would not recommend it.

So PIED was pretty much out of the way (except for some cases of PE that I think are also induced by porn and masturbation), but I never thought PMO would be such a big problem until I tried to quit... only to find out that I cannot.

I barely had any long streaks for the first couple of years. Withdrawal symptoms were immense. Every time I got to 7-10 days, I would get intense panic attacks and unbearable urges and pains. I also had several streaks end by having a wet dream (chaser effect), or having sex with my ex.

Worst thing happened this summer when after some 10 days of no PMO I had a severe arrhythmia and ended up in ER and hospital where I spent 3 days with a heart rate of 140+. I am not sure it was only PMO withdrawal related, but I believe it played a role as I get palpitations and increased heart beat when I don’t PMO.

All my medical tests came out OK, but next 2-3 months were pure hell as panic attacks, depression, anxiety and pain went through the roof. Still, I was determined to go PMO free for as much as I can, no matter what happens. Strange thing is that after every minor reset/relapse, withdrawal symptoms seemed to hit harder and harder. I am on a good run in the last 3-4 months with only 4-5 resets of 1-2 days and 2 orgasms max., no edging or long binges. However I am going all in now at this now, because I know you cannot control or limit an addiction, so that is why I decided to look for some further support here.

As noted above, I have been through withdrawal for other addictions already, but this one is a lot harder. With the chemical addictions things start to ease (at least physically) after a few days and weeks, with PMO it seems that with time things only get tougher. I came to the point where I don’t care so much about depression, panic attacks and physical pain (although even my gums and teeth hurt sometimes), because it seems I got somewhat used to them and they are not as intense as they were a few months back. What I really hate is insomnia, I wake up at night in some weird state of mind that feels like dying. Social anxiety is also a bit of a problem as I cannot spend too much time in places where there are a lot of people – restaurants, cinemas, stadiums, meetings. I know and pray that all this will go away after some time.

I am trying to be active, to talk to people, to walk long distances and to go places. Eating more healthy also seems to have a positive effect.

I am also reading a lot of the posts here – being aware that all these mind tricks, pains and scares are related with my brain wanting its share of dopamine and opioids makes things a bit better.

I hate my brain for being able to get addicted to pretty much everything. Therefore I am also being careful not to substitute one addiction with another. Still, I want to stay positive, because every addiction I managed to overcome in life so far, made me find more purpose in life and made me feel like a more complete human being. It is a tough journey, as all these addictions were means for me to escape from real life, but all the efforts are worth it, because life has so much more to offer than the chemical highs my addicted brain demands.

Good luck on your recoveries, stay strong everyone!
Thanks for being here.

 

Heart palpitations are really unpleasant, whenever I get them I also have some panic if it is not yet another hard arrhythmia that would require me to go to ED and hospital again.
Still, I got through all my heart examinations and fortunately I don't have any serious or life threatening condition or malfunction. Doctors said my heart is completely healthy, so obviously it all comes from the brain.

Anyway, I finally got to the state of mind, where I would really rather die, than go on with PMO and the constant withdrawal symptoms that only get worse and worse over time. On a conscious level, I understand that nobody has died from a panic attack or any other PMO withdrawal symptom (as horrible as they are), so I am just determined to go through this whatever it takes.

For me going cold turkey (monk mode in terms of PMO) is the only way to quit an addiction. There is no way to limit or control it, at least in my case. I also avoid taking any strong medications or supplements, giving the chance of my body to balance itself in a more natural way. Trying to eat healthy is important though, it is like the quality of fuel that you put into your car. so its engine runs well. Still, I also don't go to extremes with healthy eating either, because my brain and body are already stressed enough so as to quit sweets, meat and other stuff altogether all at once.

Also, I do have some strong painkillers and sedatives at my disposal, but I wouldn't use them, unless absolutely necessary. Addiction is about running away from pain, so taking medications all the time would just make me addicted to the effect of these medications. Recovery for me means that I am ready to learn to deal with pain in a more conscious and normal way, rather than always running away from it.

Good luck all and have a nice and peaceful day!

 

Thanks for your replies guys,

We are not alone in this, which makes things a bit easier.

Patience is the key to recovery - we didn't become addicted in 5, 20 or even 200 days, so we cannot recover as fast as we want.
Some days are better than others, I can feel I am on a positive trajectory, although some days it is really tough and mind tries to play tricks on me.

Quitting alcohol was hard, but I was much younger and you feel much better psychically after a few weeks.
Quitting smoking was harder for me - some 1.5 years after I quit I still had some moments when I would feel a strong urge to have a cigarette.
I guess PMO will take even more time for me, because I spent more time in this addiction than any other, it started at a much younger age and withdrawals are much more intense than all I have experienced so far. Still, I know things will get easier with time.

I am trying not to think my whole day about this, because it is addictive to spend too much time thinking about PMO or no PMO. I try to go on with my day and just follow some basic principles that I know will keep me away from PMO.

I had a tough and emotional day today, so my mind is not calm and peaceful, that is why I wanted to share something here in the forum. I actually feel better already.

Thanks for being here and stay strong on your recoveries!

 

Hi everyone,
I made it to 37 days - I believe this is the most I have gone since I started PMO at the age of 14-15, some 25 years ago.
Withdrawal symptoms are still there, but not as severe as in the beginning.
Every once in a while I get these energy boosts + I am much more positive and confident.
Still, I try not to get too enthusiastic, because all drastic mood swings are not good for recovery.
Also, weekends and holidays seem to be the hardest. I left myself some work to do over the holidays, so I don't have a lot of free time to allow my mind to drift into PMO.
Reading some of your posts and materials also is very helpful, I know I am not alone in this, which gives me some extra determination.
Keep going strong everyone, life has so much more to offer than PMO.

Thanks for reading this.
Much Love!
Jerry