Advice: Creating my "desire videos" with my Wife

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Elihu, Aug 15, 2019.

  1. Elihu

    Elihu Fapstronaut

    I'm 22 days in with my reboot. I had counselling awhile back and it was suggested to have my wife be the star of the porn I like. I've already shared with my wife what I like and she was fine with it/doesn't consider it porn as it's fetish related (but I qualify it as porn due to its effects on me). She did consider it cheating as I would PMO w/o her.

    In any event, she agreed to be the star in what I like, but I haven't got around to creating these videos (though I know she can do them on her own). I wasn't sure if this is something I should do. I'm at the point where my mind is near convinced that looking at porn wouldn't be a bad thing and is actively flooding me with images of my favorites. I already know it's a slippery slope and I don't want to return to my old ways (well, I am fight back against that desire anyway). But I am curious how to re-engineer my addiction content to focusing on my wife so that she is the image I see when I fantasize. Cold turkey w/o a replacement is starting to make me depressed when I'm alone. I don't know if this would qualify as "cheating the system" or "reprogramming the system." With the former, it just makes me think about porn more and reaffirms its grip on me. With the later, it's a... goal? I would essentially fantasize exclusively about my wife in at least one sexual way.

    I wanted to ask the crowd if this is something others have experience with.
  2. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

    You are obviously smarter than your councelor, who's education into addiction I seriously question. As I see it, you and your spouse have two main issues:

    1. Her not being included/feeling cheated on by your PMO-habits, and
    2. Your addiction to pornography

    The first issue will, at least in the short term, be completely solved by your solution, while the same solution will make the second problem significantly worse.

    Your brain has been rewired to only respond to visual stimuli, and by entertaining this (even if it includes your wife) will make your addiction progressively worse and eventually put your intimate life with your partner to a halt. That's the pretty way of saying that you will stop being able to screw your significant other due to PIED, delayed ejaculation or no ejaculation at all.

    It's also highly unlikely that you will settle for looking at imagery exclusively containing your wife for any longer period of time; your burnt dopamine receptors won't respond to your beloved after a few rounds. You will need different, more, worse, and your brains worn down breaking system will be unable to efficiently stop you.

    So should an addiction be "reprogrammed" into another addiction? To a licensed health care professional with any knowledge of brain plasticity whatsoever, Im sure this sounds absolutely bonkers.
  3. hope4healing

    hope4healing Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    This is the addiction talking. You've been starving it for 22 days so it's getting desperate. Do not let the addict take back control. Looking at P would be a bad thing because you'll be giving in to the addiction and end up back where you started. Stay strong and don't let the sneaky, conniving addiction trick you. It happens all the time, but you don't have to let it happen to you. You're over 3 weeks into this! You don't want to go back to day 1, right? Your recovery and your relationship will suffer, and your wife will, too.

    Right now, I think you need to focus on building intimacy with your wife. That is what will help heal your marriage. Making your own P with your wife is still keeping your focus on P and will not repair the damage to your relationship. Maybe someday down the road after you have been in solid recovery for awhile, then you can worry about that, but making that your goal right now will severely hinder your recovery IMO. If you're serious about putting PMO in the past, let your brain rewire itself to respond to intimacy with your wife. Was your counselor a CSAT?

    Have you considered karezza?
    Omeed and mrtumnus like this.
  4. This will not be helpful, especially during recovery.
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  5. TheMightyQuinn

    TheMightyQuinn Fapstronaut

    Hi, I don't see this as either a workable long-term solution to addiction recovery nor as a healthy direction to take your relationship. Every relationship is different so I can't really comment on your specific situation but I know the last thing my wife would want to believe is that I was treating her as the object of my addiction when I was sexual with her. I am lucky to have had enough recovery (9 years) to know that's not what I would want either.

    There is nothing wrong with your partner being your sexual star or even performing for you in a sexual way in itself. Every couple is different. But there is something wrong with doing from the point of view that you both are taking at this time, IMHO.

    EyesWideOpen and hope4healing like this.
  6. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Just another vote no. Maybe, after 90+ days a real life version of what you like might be ok. Nothing else is going to help. I'll disagree with the making things worse comment, but it won't help make things better.
  7. TheMightyQuinn

    TheMightyQuinn Fapstronaut

    Just one further comment, I see this potential. Maybe it's in play, maybe not but it wouldn't be out of the ordinary considering:

    You're both into the idea right now, but for different reasons

    You: the addict in you is looking for some way to recreate what you have lost.
    Her: She is trying to quickly trying assure herself that she is the sole object of your desire.

    Both not healthy, yours never, hers at this stage of your recovery. It's a fairly common event for the partner of the addict to make a desperate play for affection. It's not a judgement on her but it does happen. Many SO's become instantly non-sexual in the face of discovery, some become very sexual as a reaction. Essentially, you're both trying to short-circuit the grieving and healing process.

    If this is off the mark for you, sorry. But it does happen so I want to point it out to you in case it is happening but you both are missing it.

  8. Elihu

    Elihu Fapstronaut

    The community has spoken. I was leery of the idea even before I called myself a porn addict. I was mostly leery because I didn't want to involve her. I see the outcomes being that I could become attracted to my wife more, be drawn more into porn (but I refuse to seek it out. I've at least that much control), or becoming frustrated with my wife because she didn't create "exactly" what I want. The first option, I can see being a better scenario than where we are at right now if it leads to where we think we are going. The 2nd option is obviously bad, and the 3rd option is bad for a different reason than the 2nd option.

    Maybe we revisit sexy videos after 90 days and that they aren't of the type of content I would like. Ultimately, it stands to reason that if I'm attracted to my wife doing things that wouldn't normally attract me (to her or anyone), then I'm just more attracted to my wife.

    This type of conversation is great for me.

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