An open letter of apology to those I’ve used for my own personal gratification.

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by The prodigal son, May 25, 2019.

  1. Ill start by saying that I am so sorry for the lack of empathy my choices have shown to all of you. To the man I most recently hurt I would like to say how much I enjoyed getting to know you and that you truly are such a genuine and honest person that it physically took my breath away. The time we spent talking into all hours of the night were wonderful and it is my fault that it fell apart. It is always my obsession and chronic addiction that has caused you so much pain. If I’d started off telling you about my marriage would that have redirected the outcome? Would we have found ourselves years later joking over the odd beginning of a true friendship? I don’t know because I took advantage of your trust, I played you and I am so fucking sorry that you had to spend your evening feeling more alone than you already felt when we first met.

    To the men whom I traded hundreds of hours and countless naked pictures with I am ashamed of my behavior which did nothing to bring you actual connection. My behavior only further cemented the sickness of addiction and I take full responsibility for that.

    To the dudes whose lives and moments I’ve gorged myself on in my most shameful and dark days, at the urinals of so many disgusting public restrooms or in the chat rooms night after night-you deserve so much more than what I gave to you. All of you do because you are amazing people who are struggling to find connections in a world that offers so many things at the push of a button yet leave us all feeling slightly sick from overindulgence.

    I am so sorry for the ways I used you and am ashamed at the ways I let my addiction and obsession take whole bites of your soul.

    Forgive me for the fact that I saw you not as brothers but as commodities as slashes on a rap sheet.

    You are not these things you are so much more than bodies or experiences you are me and I had no right to treat you like anything but the beautiful embodiment of divine love that you truly are!

    I know it doesn’t mean anything but I am so very sorry at the pain and abuse my addictions have brought into your life.
  2. the_highest

    the_highest Fapstronaut

  3. the_highest

    the_highest Fapstronaut

    and forgive you anything you doing as mistake
  4. Thanks man!! I appreciate it
    the_highest likes this.
  5. 10 Mile Stereo

    10 Mile Stereo Fapstronaut

    Well said. I see myself in this apology. If I could go back and say I was sorry to all the people I've hurt because of this obsession...
    guy_376 and The prodigal son like this.

  6. Maybe we should all write one of these. Great job and thanks for sharing l
  7. Thank you man. I plan on keeping this kind of public confession up. I feel like it is therapeutic and needed
    Deleted Account likes this.
  8. Tryingto

    Tryingto Fapstronaut

    I apologize to all those I have dehumanized through my addictive behaviours.

    I apologize to the men and women I meet in online chatrooms, people I lie to in order to further my high. People with whom I make up identities, attractions, and interests in order to increase the hit, tighten the addictive weave we both live within. People I manipulate in order to serve my own self-interest. People whose longing for connection I twist and distort, whose longing for attachment I take advantage of again and again and again…

    I apologize to the men I encounter through personal ads. Men I lead on and groom for in-person meetings, then back away from at the last minute - never with any explanation, never with any honesty, never with any respect. I instead just drop all communication and let their emails linger unanswered. ‘Are you still interested?’ they ask. ‘Do you want to set something up?’ I congratulate myself for pulling out of addiction in these moments, though the dynamic is more complex than such smugness suggests. I have treated another human being as an object to be discarded. And I have treated myself dishonestly too, for I have not just pulled away from addiction here, but also from the resisted truth of my own sexuality - I am a bisexual man.

    I apologize to those toiling in the sex trade whose circumstances and humanity I near completely ignore. The adult stars whose pictures I oogle and deface, whose person I fabricate and use at my own discretion. The phone sex operators whose willingness to listen for money I consider carte blanche permission to share and act out without discretion or thought. The escorts whose websites I cruise for thrills. The street prostitutes I drive so slowly past in order to experience the excitement of proximity.

    I apologize to the females whose innocently posted images I extract from their intended location in order to objectify and use for self-centred gratification. I apologize for my sense that ‘posting equals permission’ - an equation that unfairly frees me to unleash a torrent of fantasies and scenarios lacking anything like true human respect and relatedness. I apologize to those I have done this to with photographs dating back to the pre-posting days.

    I apologize to all the people I have lied to in carrying out the above. How many are you in number? How many lies might be there to count? From the big ones like the decades’ long secrecy that shrouds all this behaviour. To the not so big that just become so easy and so ready when lying has become a way of life. I apologize for the harm these lies undoubtedly caused and for the intimacy, the closeness and relationality, they rendered impossible.

    And I apologize to myself for all the pain and suffering this has caused my own person. For the stunted and distorted development that arose out of these dynamics. For the loneliness, isolation and hopelessness than only increased by these actions. And for my longstanding denial of and / or resistance to some profoundly affecting facts of my life: I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused by my mother; I was sexually abused by two family friends; I was emotionally abused throughout grade school and struggle with a deeply entrenched attachment disorder as a result of all this; I am a bisexual man living within a sexless marriage by choice but regularly struggling to come to terms, to accept these facts.

    To all of these people - and likely many more - I apologize. I aspire to do better; to live in a manner that acknowledges and honours the humanity in all of us.

    Humbly and with thanks to @The prodigal son.
  9. I am proud of your honesty!! I am proud of you for being so willing to lay everything out in the open!!! Thank you for doing this!!! Healthy living comes from being able to honestly admit our shortcomings and to move beyond them!!
    need4realchg likes this.
  10. Dang man that really gets me thinking. Thinking about all the girls and women I seduced over the years, half an hour of slick talk, 10 minutes of angry sex in bathroom or in the woods. No woman deserves to be treated that way. I'm sorry
  11. We have moved past this. To understand why it is not a healthy behavior is to begin to no longer be enslaved by it.
    Super Mike James and Theamos like this.
  12. Oh yes, totally most slaves don't know that they are slaves. Now that we know we can reach out for our freedom.
    The prodigal son likes this.
  13. Thank you my friend. To honestly share about this makes it easier to start working to correct these wrongs and avoid making them again in the future.
    Theamos likes this.
  14. Hey @The prodigal son, thanks for the open letter. Made me way more emotional than I ever imagined possible, knowing myself well. We chatted in the past - this note has had a profound effect on me. I wrote you a personal conversation. You're a truly amazing person and I know your heart is exactly in the right place. Some of your words from prior chats have stuck with me. I wish you only the very best because you deserve it!!
  15. It might take a while but I think you have started a trend my friend.

    It makes me think of that verse that says leave your gift at the altar go and reconcile with your brother first ....
  16. guy_376

    guy_376 Fapstronaut

    @The prodigal son and @Tryingto...WOW. Your posts have given me so much to think about regarding my own behavior. I may not have gone as far overall, but the intent was the same. Thank you for posting these statements.
  17. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    A wonderful post. Very big of you.
    The prodigal son likes this.
  18. Thank you both for reading it. An opportunity for me to confess and make amends to the people I’ve used for my own selfish gratification. In turn it also worked to wipe the slate clean and begin the process of rebuilding.
  19. @TheProdigalSon wow...very well said and I see a lot of my actions in your post. I too wish to do a post just like that and wipe the slate clean.

    Thank you for this, it help to know I am not alone in my own similar struggles and path to be better and free of my addiction
    The prodigal son likes this.
  20. That is right my friend!!!! Make amends and move past these behaviors that have kept us all in bondage!

    We are better than our struggles

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