Another Attempt in Rebooting

There are just moments and time when I begin to wonder about the amount of time that I’ve wasted in my life. I think the blessing in discovering that there was a help-group like this was that it had a built-in anonymity factor, allowing us all to simply share our thoughts. When I reflect on the beauties of technology, it saves the embarrassment in feeling the intense guilt into walking in therapy upon admitting another relapse. Relapsing once again, has just made me feel extremely guilty in giving into temporary pleasure.


As someone who is already in a committed relationship, this problem that I continue to struggle with can strongly become the reason for an actual separation. We both don’t want this because we love each other so much.


This single most guilty factor in my life is in living this lie.


It feels like an entire lie in pretending to be normal, when I know that I struggle with a personal problem in watching too much pornography. Struggling with PIED has been the most torturing moment for me as a man, because it feels like being castrated against my own biology.


At this point in my life…


I should’ve been married by now with a college degree along with a decent career.


None of these things had ever came into fruition from all the excuses that I made about the world instead of accepting personal responsibility. Some people have higher responsibilities than others. Life is never fair.


…This problem that I struggle with… is becoming more-and-more apparent as a sincere weakness.


What makes me feel extremely guilty is the fact that I will have to make the decision to leave college at some point and start finding a job now. My family really needs me at the moment. They can’t afford any more time. Each time that I look into my beautiful mother’s eyes, I begin to wonder if I truly failed her. This woman is able to out-work so many people in her life.


…She was never able to attend some of our graduations, but now I realize why. She was just too focused. She didn’t want to lose sight in her goals.

All week -- I've been so concerned over my selfish goals in watching to watch another film. There was one night when I decided to use my personal credit card to buy a few movies. I did my best to justify that it was better than what some men would do, in the middle of the night. Buying a few scenes made the brain re-awaken itself and I continued to binge watch in fantasy. This fantasy was reliving itself in a golden age of false hope.