Day 9: Feeling fine. Actually feeling great again. I'm getting somewhat more worried as nothing is happening. I don't know if this part is normal, but had semen leakage after urination, which I didn't have before when I was doing pmo. Otherwise, working a lot on working out exercise plan, which is something I've been meaning to do for a year now. I feel more energised to do things I've been putting off. Also am going to work out a plan, set out goals of what I want to achieve in the following year. I came across a though that I am someone who needs specific goals and direction to aim for. Was gel blasting with some friends, just shooting each other, and because there was no goal or objective I was just bored. Looking at other memories or times, it seems when I have a goal or objective I a lot better, as well as have a much higher enthusiasm.
I had exactly the same sort of treatment in school. Kids can be cruel and those who teased me so weren't right to do so. Yet, I can see that my prideful reactions only attracted more teasing. It was a very unhappy time in my life. I can also see that the devil used my unhappiness and my burgeoning pride as trap. Pride is the root cause of so many sins and so much unhappiness. A few months ago my wife introduced me to a prayer called the "Litany of Humility". It leads one to pray for the traits of humility. Reading each request can be quite shocking/challenging to a prideful person like me but I always feel so much happier after saying this prayer from my heart. I think pride puts an incredible burden on us and perhaps that is the reason that each time I say this prayer, I feel a burden lifted and real joy. I hope you will give it a try. That extremely wise saint, Augustine of Hippo, said "Lay first the foundation of humility. Humility is the foundation of all the other virtues hence, in the soul in which this virtue does not exist there cannot be any other virtue except in mere appearance."
That is quite the prayer. I see what you mean about it being shocking, a lot of the things in it I didn't consider but do see in myself. It looks like one I should use. Thank you.
Day 10: Actually feeling quite amazed and happy with this so far. Praise the Lord I found this forum and actually started this (I had been putting it off for about a month, starting a journal). First dream last night about m, so it would seem that the road to recovery is really happening. I see this as a good sign. Obviously I would prefer not to dream about m, but overall it is a really good and positive sign in my opinion. Time to buckle up and ensure I stick to this path.
Day 12: Actual noticeable urges and thoughts. Having to catch my thought processes a few times as they were going pretty bad. Thankfully, I seem to actually be wanting it to be over this time, so I'm more engaged with actually denying and turning my mind away. Turning my mind straight to the Lord helps as well to centre my mind on better things. Mainly I need to be careful when I have a full free day to do anything, as on those days I'll often fall into sloth and tranquillity, which was before a big opportunity for me to pmo, so I need to be careful in those times and plan the day accordingly.
Still day 12: Yeah, almost lost it a couple times today. Mind want to go back into old habits, etc, scrolling old websites that aren't p, but have provocative enough images it sets it up for p. Caught myself halfway, but still worrying as heck. Pray for me.
I heard a lecture recently that focused on the limited time we have on this earth. Every person on earth today will die, someday, and thus there is a finite limit to the number of minutes we have remaining. What will we have to show for the wonderful gift of time when Our Precious Lord asks us? Mother Theresa said, "we fear the future because we are wasting today".
Praying. Let's make each day count. There will never be anything for us in PMO; it can only destroy us. Look to the Source of life, and live!
Sounds like a p-sub. An easy trap to fall into that I have fallen into many times myself. We have to remind ourselves that by choosing P-subs we are telling ourselves that we 'need' P, but this is a lie. If we weren't addicts we wouldn't need P, P-subs or any object of selfish lust. The Bible preaches against any sexual activity outside marriage, and Jesus even tells us this includes sinning with our eyes. This is true regardless of whether we intentionally look at P or anything sexual in any way. Keep going brother, you are in my prayers
I stumbled on this quote today, I hope to recall it whenever I feel tired or weak. "The good God does not need years to accomplish His work of love in a soul; one ray from His Heart can, in an instant, make His flower bloom for eternity… In times of aridity when I am incapable of praying, of practicing virtue, I seek little opportunities, mere trifles, to give pleasure to Jesus; for instance a smile, a pleasant word when inclined to be silent and to show weariness. If I find no opportunities, I at least tell Him again and again that I love Him; that is not difficult and it keeps alive the fire in my heart. Even though this fire of love might seem extinct I would still throw little straws upon the embers and I am certain it would rekindle." St. Theresa, the Little Flower
Day 14: Made it through. I will start coming on here consistently every day, to start each day. I need to work out the patterns and thoughts and actions and websites that lead to what Xande called p-subs. There was an artist I followed and they are extremely gifted at drawing. However their art is somewhat explicit, and often I still think about their art, as it is actually really well done. This is one pattern which is an issue, I appreciate someone's work or art however it is within the realm of pmo, or explicit material, which pulls me both ways. I find myself wanting to look at their art and others which are talented, and it is difficult denying that. I need to work on that area, unsure what to do about it though. However I am beginning to remove even the tiniest scraps of potentially explicit or thought-inducing things. And I find myself more committed to controlling my eyes such as walking down the street. Normally look at women walking past - not so much anymore. An issue I have with this though is that one of my closest friends will sometimes sit in a manner which exposes her side of the stomach very slightly. Not sure what to do about that either. I just remember one time I read that every day is a choice to either pmo or not, and to take it day by day. I will be on guard and begin to analysing the patterns that lead to pmo. Also one of my major nofap people that I follow, IceCold JT (not a Christian) recently relapsed after 529 days, which serves as a reminder that at all times we have to be on guard. He woke up at 4 am and his half-asleep mind convinced himself that it was beneficial to pmo, which is a clear falsehood. A good indication to have all areas of life under control. Also his approach towards it is positive - he sees it as a positive mistake, it allows him to be more relatable to his viewers and allows him to know the fact that it is an everyday battle. Also encourages me in the way that if I do relapse, it's not a complete reset or failure - It's a learning experience that shows more patterns that I can analyse and understand so it does not repeat itself. Obviously I do not want to, but knowing that it's not all for naught if I do is encouraging. That quote from Theresa checks out - one issue or fear I have is that I'm not settling on a career. A career is what I see as a step into the next chapter of my life - It's what I'm using as an indication for many things such as I will allow myself to begin consider dating once I have my career under control. On that front though, I talked to a friend yesterday about accounting and it actually seemed like quote an enjoyable job, and what I may be looking for - determined work, not too much choice or freedom, customer interaction, and the same sort of work. So I am feeling quite good about that. Thank you all for your thoughtful replies, It means a lot to have a community which is actually engaged is supporting its members, Praise the Lord for that.
Actually, to go even deeper into what I was saying, one might argue that the words 'porn', 'porn-sub' etc. are irrelevant. What's relevant are the questions "am I looking at this women with lustful intent" or "am I putting myself in a position where I may be tempted to look at this woman with lustful intent"? This is the attitude I take myself, anyway. 'Porn' is just a word. Once we start defining things we start making cases for loopholes and allowing ourselves to make exceptions that put us in dangerous places. You may know I have a fetish for 'damsels in distress'. This is a classic TV trope that could show up in any TV, film, game etc. I enjoy watching TV and film, and I don't need to let my fetish prevent me from watching these. However, I will not let myself watch a particular show or film if I know that deep down I'm only watching it for a particular scene (I may know it's there from a previous viewing, or learned of it from a fetish website). Fetish aside, If I'm choosing something to watch I have to ask myself "am I watching it because I want to see the show as a whole, or am I watching it because I think this actress is hot?". But I can see from your post you are beginning to ask yourself these questions when you look at art, and this is good. Keep going! For averting eyes when out and about (or watching TV), I'm trying to make a habit of always looking at a person's eyes when I focus on them. Even women I don't find attractive and even men. I figure if I can do it for everybody it will be more natural for me to do it when an attractive woman shows up on screen. It's starting to become habit lately. There's still work to be done but I recommend trying the same.
Day 1/15: To be honest I'm not that surprised that this is what got me - my mornings when I have nothing on I sit around and do nothing for the first few hours of the day. Sloth and tranquillity has always been the time I've had the most issues - and it continues to be. My nights are improving - I've worked out a routine that I follow most nights, which allows for little alteration. Now I will start on working on my mornings - I will move my exercise to mornings every 2 days, I will begin reading in the morning for 30~ minutes. I will begin to spend some time each morning studying general things (at the moment accounting as I'm looking into that as a career). One main thing to note and learn from this relapse is that - I had the thought train this morning of, if I go onto nofap I'll be encouraged to not pmo, and will continue my nofap goal. However I convinced myself against that, to instead get pmo. Not sure how to go about improving that side of things. I will begin to limit the time I spend online using a browser so that there is less opportunity for my eyes to glance over something that may trigger pmo. This is a big one yeah. The eyes I had also begun doing, except that some people can find it unnerving. However the goal is to look towards their head at all times when talking to them, or even simply looking at them. I hadn't thought about the why I want to watch something. Now that you mention it the main character begin attractive definitely raises the chance of me watching a film, as normally I do not watch cinema at all. The main thing I will be working on is setting up a routine for daily life so that I limit the amount of time I am doing things aimlessly. I am overall happy with how I received this though. I could see it coming, which is a worry that I could tell the signs even the day before however it still occurred, however that is something that will be worked through. Analyse and understand why I continue to go down the same trail, and how to break that cycle (which seem to be in fleshing out my day).
You are on the right path. I hope you will accept that point and thus continue with confidence. I think I know some of the frenetic confusion that may be going through your mind when you try to avoid sinful thoughts. Suddenly, the temptations are everywhere and no where we look seems safe. We wonder if we will ever be able to look at a female without a dangerous thought crossing our minds. Also, there is some sadness in saying goodbye to images and genres of images which might be innocent to many but which conjure up lust within us. Please let me offer two thoughts. First of all, Matt 5:29. Of course we are not meant to take this verse literally but as Tao Jones so rightly says, Freedom is worth any cost. Say goodbye to those images that may be innocent to some but dangerous for you. I think it helps to give them a farewell and a burial. Once buried, keep them in their grave. It is worth the price. Secondly, I think there is a healthy mental dividing line between glancing a women one finds attractive and perhaps acknowledging to ourselves the obvious, "yes she is attractive" but then managing our thoughts and our eyes to move on to other things. In such an instance, we have been presented with temptation and chosen not to bring it within/embrace it. It is when we dwell on someone and attempt to make them ours in our mind that we have crossed the line to lust. Temptation will always be with us as long as we are on this earth and it is not a sin to be tempted. I think we need to cut ourselves some slack when tempted and recognize we did the right thing by not allowing it to dwell in our minds.
Keep journaling @Euphorye ! Every stumble is an opportunity to examine yourself and throw off dead weight. “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” Psalm 139:23-24 ESV
Day 3/17: Am feeling fine, I know that the first week is nothing really, after the first week is when the real battle begins. Also still feel fine about the whole relapse event. Am using it as a growing opportunity to learn from. Right. I just added that to see how it goes. I didn't even realise that was a possibility. Yeah, basically as soon as I see an image which could trigger my minds in the gutter all day, no matter what I do really. Saying goodbye to the images is a necessity, they've been a part of my life for years. I used to spend hours just scrolling away on websites that host images. Mostly tame images, but overall its the same issue, if I do it even with tame images then chances are I'll just switch to explicit. It's a good and true verse, that one. One I will keep in mind. To discard that which causes me to fall, even if that itself isn't a sin (as above going onto tame image websites will lead to explicit websites), so that I will not be tempted into sin. I'll go dig a hole in the backyard and put some in there then. Yeah. I look at hair, and consider it nice hair. But then that's as far as I let myself go. I find the hair and eyes/face are my safe areas to look. Anywhere else is risk. Catching oneself continuously will teach oneself to not follow down a train of thought if we are insistent enough about it. Allowing ourselves to appreciate us being tempted but not following through sounds like something that should encourage, as it shows we are gaining control of ourselves. That's the plan, to keep journaling. So that I have accountability and are able to talk things through, but also in the future as a guide or example others can look towards. Again, I thank you people and praise the Lord for the community built on this forum.
I read a thought from St. Therese, the Little Flower yesterday which should be encouraging to all of us. Her thought was that God would never give us a desire for holiness that we could not achieve. The truthfulness of this statement is simply undeniable. Hang in there, you are doing great work!
