Anyone ever visited dominatrix?

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by CCJACK, Sep 24, 2018.

  1. CCJACK

    CCJACK Fapstronaut

    27
    12
    3
    i have strong urges to that I’m having a really hard time shaking. I’ve always had a really strong interest in BDSM - and not just the light stuff like furry cuffs but the whole “dungeon” scenario with lots of kinks - but my wife couldn’t be more opposite. She has low sex drive, experiences pain during sex and told me she basically never thinks about it.

    I feel really bad and uncomfortable asking her to do those things for me given I know how uninterested she is - and to be honest, the fantasy doesn’t work unless both partners are pretty into it. But in some corners of the internet people talk about sex positivity and that shaming yourself for liking these things is really wrong, and even suggest that an outlet in some relationships is for the person with a kink to go to a professional dominatrix. The debate is always if this is “cheating” since there’s no sexual acts performed, but to me it still feels deceptive. I’m struggling if I just tell her how I’m feeling and that I have the urge but don’t have the courage to act on it, or if I just keep it to myself because by telling her I’m burdening her with the thought she can’t satisfy me. And this is just one part of a relationship by no means all so I don’t want her to feel like she isn’t the right life partner for me.

    Curious if anyone else has gone to these services and how they felt about it, or what people have done in similar dilemmas. I feel like I have two options - double down and accept I like kink and find ways to explore it on my own while remaining faithful (buying outfits just for me to wear when I’m alone, reading books, going to sex expos, etc) OR I could see if being celibate for a while expels the thoughts or makes me at least able to live with the fact I’ll never be able to experience that.
     
  2. AngelofDarkness

    AngelofDarkness Fapstronaut

    189
    1,244
    123
    I think you should wait for your brain to heal from your porn addiction before making any decisions. If you've been addicted to porn for a while and have developed certain fetishes, only rebooting can help you figure out if they are porn-induced or not. If they aren't, you should talk to your wife about the issue and be clear on her definition of cheating. Anything else is up to you to decide.
     
  3. CCJACK

    CCJACK Fapstronaut

    27
    12
    3
    Thanks for the response! I agree and I think I’m just going to tell her it’s bothering me and I need to take some time to reflect on it. I feel even worse because she’s been trying to make more of an effort and the thought of saying sorry I actually need to not have any sex may also make her feel like her efforts are unwanted or not enough.

    I just feel terrible in general about myself right now
     
  4. AngelofDarkness

    AngelofDarkness Fapstronaut

    189
    1,244
    123
    I can understand that, but I think if you have already recognized the problem and are determined to work on it, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself and try to stay positive. This forum can offer you help and advice if you need it. Good luck!
     
  5. I wouldn't tell her. Social programming is super strong and ideas of masculinity and femininity are pretty well defined. I think she might lose respect for you if you admitted that you have submissive tendencies. In your shoes, I would've completed the reboot first to realize whether the bdsm stuff is an artifact of porn use. After that, if you still feel those urges, go see a hooker.
     
  6. CCJACK

    CCJACK Fapstronaut

    27
    12
    3
    Not sure I can say I want to be celibate for 90 days without mentioning why... she knows I have submissive tendencies it’s just not something she’s into
     
  7. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

    1,228
    2,030
    143
    Well, this attitude is basically the opposite of what Christian culture was about for hundreds of years. It could be the typical example of a failed revolution (in this case liberation), which results in either leaving everything unchanged or - in an act of defiance - changing everything to the exact opposite. But when you invert or mirror a picture, it is still the same picture. There's nothing won.

    Really abstract and generalizing thoughts, I know, but - think about it.

    Other than that, I agree with @AngelofDarkness. When I was single I always struggled with my desire to have sex with a guy. At some point of NoFap, I finally came to the liberating conclusion that I won't do anything I wouldn't feel able to confess to my future partner. Now I'm in an evolving relationship again and I feel glad I don't have to keep a secret like that in some dark corner in my mind.
    Not sure about that, though. She's his wife. Shouldn't you be able to talk about these things in a marriage (after @CCJACK has become able to distinguish what his true self wants and what is porn brain wants), rather than considering your partner a pre-programmed robot?
     
  8. CCJACK

    CCJACK Fapstronaut

    27
    12
    3
    Here’s the other rub - I really don’t think the interest came from porn alone. I can remember being a kid and playing spies and wanting to be the one tied up. That far pre dates porn or even an understanding of sexuality. It just blossomed with puberty but I do think at the end of the day it’s part of who I am.

    I want to abstain for my wife, not for me. I don’t think my kinks are wrong so much as outside the mainstream - but millions of people have them. It’s more, can I find a way to make it easier to forget about for the sake of my wife’s feelings - or do I find a way to have them fulfilled that doesn’t put a burden on her. I agree the right course is to try option 1 before resorting to 2.
     
  9. AngelofDarkness

    AngelofDarkness Fapstronaut

    189
    1,244
    123
    I think abstaining from porn could at least be worth a try to see if maybe your sexual interest is reversible after all. And if it isn't, as you say, removing porn as an outlet for your fantasies could help you to forget about them and just focus on the physical intimacy with your wife, if you you are able to still feel satisfied without expressing your hidden fantasies. But I think whatever you do, you should always be honest with your wife, because she deserves to know (that is after figuring out if your fetishes are permanent or porn-induced).
     
  10. Immature

    Immature Fapstronaut

    If you can have sex with her, why not do so, but eliminate all porn and masturbation? Some, maybe a lot, of married guys do it that way.
     
    horny nerd likes this.
  11. Pinetree

    Pinetree Fapstronaut

    120
    71
    28
    Not sure how this would work, but I'm thinking about a different approach. Couldn't your wife think about this like playing a game ? Which it is ... Especially that you mentioned similar childhood games.

    Also, you could be thinking about playing a game while sharing time together, talking about it. And I mean don't necessarily expect your wife to be the dominatrix you fantasize about.

    Also, you don't need to play this game only when having sex, it can become a fun part of your everyday life. Without hopefully taking it over completely :p

    On the nofap topic ... There is a good chance that your body can learn to react to your wife's body, without a dire need to satisfy sexual fantasies.
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2018
  12. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

    1,122
    2,140
    143
    I never ever understood this fetish " oh yes please smash my balls and penis, it feels good"! Yeah no. Smh
     
  13. Pinetree

    Pinetree Fapstronaut

    120
    71
    28
    What you're talking about above seems to be more about SM than domineering. If you wish to understand about that, feel free to PM me.
     
    Ra's Al Ghul likes this.
  14. WasZeusWrong?

    WasZeusWrong? Fapstronaut

    142
    264
    63
    Hello. Although I'm gay and don't have a wife, a lot of your post resonated with me. Your struggle sounds similar to mine. Something I'm finding helpful is to allow all of my kooky desires to arise and float around like clouds, but without succumbing to the urge to "go to them" by looking at porn or seeking them elsewhere. If you think about it, we have all kinds of non-sexual thoughts and desires that we don't act on. If we're hungry, we say we could "eat a horse," even though we don't really don't want to do that. Driving to work, we might see a cool car and we want it (how about that new BMW 5 series?!) and we might even fantasize about what it's like to drive it, but that doesn't mean we blow our life savings on one or steal one. Instead, we might think, "Cool car. Maybe someday if I win the lottery or make a big bonus, I'll get one."

    I dunno. It's still a struggle for me too, but I'm finding it helpful to allow the desires to flicker in my brain without (1) following them to where they want to take me or (2) attacking and banishing them like evil invaders.

    Good luck to both of us!
     
  15. The Lone Ranger

    The Lone Ranger Fapstronaut

    624
    983
    93
    I wouldn’t listen to that advice if I were you
     
    AngelofDarkness likes this.
  16. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

    545
    958
    93
    I totally agree with Angel.

    If our desires aren’t inline with our true morals it causes turmoil. I spent a long time trying to change my morals to match my sexual desires and it was impossible for me to do.

    I’m still currently dealing with those desires of bdsm and kinky sex. It’s so engrained in me, so lots more healing to do.

    But definitely keep doing the no PMO reboot and you will be surprised how fetishes evolve and sometimes completely drop off.
     
    Tannhauser and AngelofDarkness like this.

Share This Page