Attachment Theory and NoFap

Hello everyone, I've been doing a lot of learning and self discovery recently and started to do a lot of reading and research on attachment theory. I'll start by discussing attachment theory and what it is (in case you are unaware) and then how I think Nofap and porn in general affects this. I'll start by saying I am no expert on the subject and my views are primarily made up of the research I have done recently.

I'd love others to chime in on their experience whether it be regarding their attachment type and whether they think NoFap has changed their perspective or attachment type.

Whilst attachment theory primarily concerns itself with your care-giver (parents etc) when you were younger, it can also manifest itself in relationships as you grow older. I'm not going to go too much into the science of how an attachment style develops from a young age and more discuss how it can affect romantic relationships and how it has affected my relationships.

There are four types of attachment style: secure, anxious, avoidant and fearful. These attachment styles are typically derived from two features; your view of yourself and your view of others (crushes, partners etc).

The main characteristics of these styles are as follows:

Secure: Positive view of self, positive view of others. Typically seen as the best attachment style for developing healthy relationships.

• Confidence
• Mutual trust and support
• Good conflict resolution

Anxious: Negative view of self, positive view of others

• Fear of abandonment
• Constant need for validation
• Self-worth is dependant on others

Avoidant: Positive view of self, negative view of others

• Avoids intimacy
• Commitment issues
• Guarded and closed off

Fearful: Negative view of self, negative view of others

• Fear of rejection
• Trust issues
• Low self-esteem

Now that I've explained the basic premise I'll start to relate it to myself and the issues it has caused and continues to cause. However, as I said, others are welcome to chime in regarding their attachment style whether it be the same or different.

I consider myself to have an anxious attachment style. For this reason, I have spent the majority of my years bouncing from one relationship to another. This is because I believed that being in these relationships improved my self-worth, however, I always thought my partners could do better and this caused issues.

I've now been single for the longest time since my first relationship (its not even a relatively long time) but I've found my attachment style has made it difficult for me to form good relationships especially with women. The cycle tends to go like this:

• Start talking to someone and form a connection
• Depend on them for my happiness (Constantly waiting for replies, wanting to meet with them often etc)
• Get ghosted (Likely due to the fact that I come on too strong too fast) or friend zoned (I lack the confidence to take the step needed to take the relationship further)

The above happens I believe because I have low self worth and believe the person I'm forming the connection with is above me, putting them on a pedestal (very common with anxious attachment).

So what are the steps I plan to take to combat this:

• Improve myself (career, fitness, mental health) but also accept myself for who I am and be happy with myself.
• Talk to a lot more women. By forming a connection with one person then relying on them for my happiness I'm depriving myself of other opportunities and it also tends to have the opposite effect on the person I form the connection with (neediness is a turn-off)
• If feelings develop, let them be known and if the feelings aren't reciprocated then cut the connection off. This isn't because I believe the other person has done anything wrong, but for me it isn't healthy to have a friendship with someone whom doesn't have the same feelings. This doesn't mean I cut them out completely, just until the feelings reside and I believe a friendship can be had.

Finally how do I believe NoFap relates to my attachment style and how it can change it from anxious attachment to secure attachments:

• NoFap is believed to improve a persons confidence and thus self-worth. Improving my self worth will lead me to having more secure attachments.
• Masturbation removes the desire to connect with women as I can satisfy my desires myself. Therefore, less masturbation, more desire to connect with more women.
• PIED and performance anxiety due to masturbation makes me unwilling to attempt to sleep with women. I've entertained the idea that I may be demi-sexual due to this but I'm more leaning towards I'm just worried about my performance sexually.

I've realised the post is getting kind of long so I'll end it here, but I'd appreciate others inputs. Whether it be someone struggling in the same situation as me, or success stories of them developing healthy connections.

 

Thanks for the response. If you don't mind me asking, are you in a relationship or single? What are the steps you are taking on trying to fix anxious attachment? I could use all the help I can get!

 

Yes I think the key thing with improving yourself is that it switches you from pursuing to attracting, this puts you in a much better position when it comes to trying to form a connection with someone.

I completely agree with the PMO part, do you have a rough idea of the days away from PMO that you start to feel the confidence benefits? My longest streak has been around 20 days and it was around two weeks in that I really started to see the benefits. I was more confident, witty and in general, able to communicate with people better.

 

Here's hoping I can make it past the two week mark this time then! Its a shame that I stopped when I did, after all the benefits I felt. I think masturbation for me is a way to deal with bad emotions, if I have a stressful day, I'm more likely to relapse.

Yes socialising can be tough, I have a fair few friends but they tend to revolve around bad habits such as drugs/drinking. I don't like this, I want to socialise with other people that have healthy habits. I think one of my goals will be to start joining more clubs (hiking, martial arts etc). I find this difficult though because I have social anxiety.

 

I agree completely. You seem very wise, I believe you will be able to conquer this attachment style. I hope I can do the same. I read a study somewhere on this site that found that people that abstained from masturbation had reduced neuroticism. I believe neuroticism is likely very common with people with the anxious attachment style. I myself am very neurotic, to the point that it is unhealthy. I believe some neuroticism can be helpful however balance is important.

Yeh I've reached a week a fair few times, two weeks maybe a couple then 20 days was my longest streak. The longer the streak the better I felt but also relapsing felt much worse.

I'd challenge yourself to join a club in something that interests you (preferably something fitness related due to the benefits of physical activity), this month, if you think you can. I don't like telling people what to do, so feel free to ignore. But I know for me, someone giving me that little push can be all it takes to tackle something I've been struggling to do. I'm joining a fitness club tonight, I won't stop myself from doing it.

 

I don't think wiseness correlates with relapsing. I think it is more to do with awareness of yourself and the world around you.

Good luck friend!

 

So as an update to this. Fitness club went really well, met some new people. Was extremely nervous at first but I eventually got into the session. I've also booked my first exam for the course I'm studying.

I've deleted all social media, cut off unwanted connections temporarily. As for meeting new women, no luck there so far but that's okay. I'm working on myself and I think I need to learn to be alone for a while.

As for attachment styles I've been having a bit of a reflection of my past relationships. I actually think in the periods leading up to a relationship I have an anxious attachment style whereas I turn more avoidant the longer I'm in a relationship. It's strange though because I wouldn't say my view of my self improves more the view of my partner decreases. But symptoms are consistent with traits associated with avoidant attachment. I'm typically the one to give up on the relationship first. Upon further reflection this may make sense, with an anxious attachment style, unknowingly, you may settle for someone not suitable for you just to have the self-worth "benefits" of being in a relationship. Then as the months/years go by you realise that the person isn't all that you made them up to be!

I think this realisation has made me more okay with being alone until I find the right person. On further inspection I also think recent crushes were not all I'd hyped them up to be and cutting these connections off are in my best interest.

 

Diving deeper into my anxious attachment studies has led me to the topic of emotional responsibility. I think improving my emotional responsibility will be key to leading me to more secure attachments. The main premise in being emotionally responsible is that we can not control external factors however we can control our internal emotions. Therefore, even if external factors are not in our best interest, we choose how that makes us feel. Some of the main points of being emotionally responsible:

• Accepting that we are responsible for our own emotions
• We are able to meet our own emotional needs instead of depending on others to do it for us, as a consequence, we lose any expectations we have of others to make us feel happy
• We don't blame others for how we feel, they are simply external factors but internally we get to decide how we feel. Instead we should accept responsibility for our own wellbeing
• We accept that we are not responsible for others wellbeing, whilst we may offer advice or guide, we can not change how another person is feeling
• Satisfaction, happiness, well-being and love must come from within
• We don't wait for others to change their feelings to feel happiness
• We treat negative emotions as calls to action, we shouldn't let them affect us too much instead we should use them to guide us to change for the better