Back to Square One - But With a New Perspective

Long post here, but maybe you'll like reading it.

So I've been doing quite well with overcoming my PMO challenge, and was actually a bit surprised at how relatively easy the transition was towards having a life that was far more enjoyable and PMO-free.

Then, I started working at a different location for my job, a temporary stint of just a few weeks. When work started my routine changed a bit. Not big at first, but I had to leave work a little earlier than normal. This should not have caused any great difficulties, and it didn't except that I cut off the time that I usually do my morning meditation by just a few minutes. No harm done, I thought. Then, I cut off a few minutes more the next morning, and the one following. "Oh well, this isn't so bad. Maybe I can get by just fine by meditating less?" After all, I've had lots of ups and downs with this practice so I thought I'd get back to normal once I returned to my usual work location.

Then I started packing a different lunch, a bit smaller (easier to carry) and without the regular fruits and veggies. Again, I thought, not a big problem. "I'll just grab something along the way if I'm hungry". Which turned out to be junk food. "Ah, it's not like I'll do this all the time. It's just for a short while".

Then I began getting home later than normal. "Well, maybe I'll cut down my evening jog. In fact, I might even deserve a bit of a rest". Which led me to skipping it completely. And then skipping it again. But since I'll get back to it next week (which I will), I thought that a few more missed days were not really an issue. After all, it's just a small thing.

Then my room started getting messier. Not much, just a used coffee cup here and there, an unwashed plate lying around, a few pieces of paper scattered on the floor, books not put away in their normal spot. But I have a new routine, I told myself, these things are not really that important. I'll get back to it all next week.

Then I went on to a popular site for some news and humor. I saw a link which had some PG content, the kind that I had been avoiding. Only this time I looked a little longer. "It's not that bad. I'll just have a quick look". And it really wasn't that bad. But then there was yet another link with the same content. "What's the harm with one more click?". So far so good, no real urges. Then I thought, "Maybe I can look at more of this 'safe' material". After doing so, I thought, "You know, it might not be harmful if I look at some relatively harmless images of .....".

And that was it. I lost my footing on the slippery slope I was treading, and down I tumbled. Back to Square One. Wow. How did that happen?

Firstly, I'm quite surprised that I'm not that depressed or upset about it. But what can I learn? Well, to begin, I don't think I was really aware of how much influence the other parts of my life were in helping me to overcome this addiction. Things like exercise, meditation, healthy eating, even a clean room (which is a 'clean mind' as my mother kept telling me.)

To this end, it makes me aware of how much I should be grateful that I have these things in my life and how important they are in making me a happier person. Perhaps the struggle I had before with PMO was that I didn't have all these factors. I adopted them for entirely different reasons, but I now see how instrumental they are in aiding self-transformation at all levels.

Secondly, I didn't realize just how important it is to be constantly vigilant. And, if I'm sincere, this is precisely what I want. I really do want my life to be filled with very important and significant moments. I want everything to be crucial. This very perspective allows me to experience the beauty of the everyday, the small and often overlooked parts of life. Therefore, to be fair to myself, I need to once again acknowledge the importance of everything, good and bad, and appreciate its power at every moment.

Allowing myself to feel that it is okay to be lackadaisical and not keep up with my good habits since they are not really that important means that I will give them less value. And this means that I will not experience the more subtle nature of what that these qualities have to offer, thus 'dulling' their impact. And when I feel dull, I need a 'hit' to invigorate me, make me feel alive. And that's when I turn to PMO. Which leads to a loss of more subtle sensations, which leads to more PMO, and so on.

But now that this has happened, and I've seen where one wrong thought could lead me, I need to once again experience the same regarding one positive thought which is exactly how I began my journey when I joined this site.

So basically, I'm realizing that I need to be more grateful, more vigilant, and thus allow myself to experience once again the intensity of life in its subtle and beautiful moments.

Thanks for reading!

 

Thanks for the inspiring responses! It really does make a difference to know that one's experiences are understood by others, especially on a deeper level. It really is about self-transformation and this particular challenge that we are facing is a crucial step in the process, albeit not the only one.

Yes! Excellent way to phrase it, Anon, it really is about harmonization. And when your outer actions are not reflective of your inner nature, harmony disappears and chaos ensues. This is not the same as the sometimes transformative upheaval that takes place during the process of change, for this sort of energy has a direction amidst the turbulence. Rather, it is the purposeless movement of energy that reveals what chaos really is.

Here's to harmony and genuine power!