Boyfriend’s addiction is ruining everything. + he is sexting people online.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by x0sugar, Jul 13, 2019.

  1. x0sugar

    x0sugar Fapstronaut

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    I need advice. I’m a 21 year old female and my boyfriend is 23. Friends for 3 years, and We’ve been dating almost a year. We both have very high sex drives as well as a lot of sex. I’ve always known he watches tons of porn and he also jerks off, however he had told me that he sometimes watches porn and jerks off before seeing me so he can “last longer” if we have sex and also that he jerks off usually 1-3 times DAILY. Really? Before he sees me? What kind of nonsense is that? I had no issue about him masturbating and watching porn. UNTIL I REALIZED HOW MUCH HE DOES IT!! Now recently I had a gut feeling something was off and I snooped and found an app on his phone he was using to sext other women. It was a few of them. I read some of the convos I felt so sick + disgusted. I can’t even believe this bullshit. How could he talk to other women in this manner and then look me in the eye and tell me he loves me?

    When I confronted him it was a hot mess. he was literally bawling and saying he is sorry. He swore he wasn’t trying to hurt me and that he had felt guilty because he was doing this for a few week now. He was somewhat blaming it on his mental
    Health. Said that his depression makes him feel so useless and worthless that he seeks attention from others.( I give him all of the attention and love and care in the world but clearly its not enough.) I let him know how I felt about all of this and that I personally consider this virtual/emotional cheating. He said that he doesn’t know these women and had ZERO intention of ever doing anything sexual with anybody besides me and that I am more than enough for him.


    Why would he do it then? I asked him this question and he straight up told me he was sexting for validation and that it has nothing to do with me and that i’m everything he has ever wanted. Bullshit. I honestly feel disrespected that he would talk to other women in a sexual manner or seek sexual convos in general. The porn was one thing, but this is an entirely different story. Sexting is a form of cheating in my opinion. And I never thought this would happen to me.

    I always felt that my BF and I have a VERY good sexual relationship. I know how to please him, I talk to him sexually, send him pics when we aren’t around each other, he sends me pics, etc. we also have a very good relationship in general, not just sexually. Or so I thought? This has honestly shocked me.


    This all happened about 10 days ago. We’ve talked for hours and days about this all. He told me that he won’t ever do this again and that he loves me to death and that he will prove himself to me. He said he will stop watching porn and try not to masturbate. He told me that I can look at his phone whenever I wanted to and swore that I’m the only woman he wants sexually and romantically. I just don’t know if I believe him. I just don’t know what to do at this point. I’m very hurt and shocked by this. I can’t stop thinking about the convos I read. Him and I aren’t even talking right now. We decided to take some time apart. He is in denial about PA. I hate this shit so much. I’m gonna go insane, but I love him so much I can’t let go. What do I do?
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2019
  2. Toni7

    Toni7 Fapstronaut

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    It's hard now for you and for him. He definitely have a problem. That things he did are not wright. He maybe betray you now. And it will be hard for you to again trust in him. It is him who must put effort for you to forgive him and start trusting again. I don't know exactly what he did. But he didn't relly meet with any girl. I don't know. If he somehow overcome mastrubating and all that problems.. than you can move on. Maybe you can help him with everything and be there with him on that road. But if it is too much and he doesn't change. That will be disrespect to you. And then you need to consider it like cheating. And then is over.
     
  3. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Read over the journals of spouses of addicts. You will see and feel their pain. Then ask yourself is this something you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with.

    Seriously you are 21 years old. If your boyfriend is serious about stopping his behaviour he needs some serious support and not from you. He will not succeed white knuckling it through. He will only relapse and go deeper.

    You are 21 years old...you don’t need this in your life. It’s not your problem, it’s his to deal with.
    Do not take any of his behaviour personally, for it’s not about you. You are good enough and pretty enough etc...

    Sending prayers, love and support.
     
  4. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    He will do it again. And again. And again. The only way to overcome it is to get involved with a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist - porn addiction falls under this), as well as find other support to help keep him accountable like a 12 step group and to work recovery hard. Simply stopping it all will not do it. He'll go back in a heartbeat. However, as others have said, IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX HIM. These are things he must do on his own, under his own motivation, without you pushing him. You are young, unmarried, and have the choice now whether you want to deal with this for a lifetime. Many of us did not have that choice. This is not going to magically go away, it's going to be there for a long time and it runs deep according to what you have said.
     
  5. Oh gosh. I just want to hug you. This reminds me so much of my first discovery. For me it was that during the first few weeks of being in a relationship with me, he was paying webcam girls to give private shows to him while he was out of town for work. I was heartbroken. I had been in relationships before and my experience with him was nothing like what I had with anyone else. It is not ok for someone to give you double messages, i.e. say one thing and do another. You are so young. Insist on actions instead of falling for nice words. Educate yourself on sex addiction. Patrick Carnes and Robert Weiss are great resources. Don't make the mistake I did and trust the words of a liar because you want so badly to believe them. This can be fixed but it's a long long road. Hypervigilance will kick in and make you feel like a crazy person. You will start going through his phone and the rage will build. It's not a fun life. Maybe the both of you are young enough to break the pattern but please look for actions versus words. Hugs and tears shed with you.
     
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  6. x0sugar

    x0sugar Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for this. You are so sweet. It’s hard because this man is my first love. No one has ever made me feel the way he has made me feel and I have never connected with anybody the way i did with him. So seeing that he was sexting and masturbating with other women shook me to the core. You’re right, I want to so badly believe he will change and that his love for me will outweigh the issue. He keeps telling me that he can easily stop and that when he saw how badly it hurt me he knew he couldn’t continue. But I just dont know, seeing all these forums and other women experience this makes me think i’m better off finding someone else. I just feel lost.
     
  7. x0sugar

    x0sugar Fapstronaut

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    I was thinking that as well. I feel like people can’t just change so easily. It hurts a lot and I know so many people go through this and I am way too young to deal with this bullshit. It’s just tough when you are so deeply in love with somebody that you can’t see yourself without them..and You just desperately want to believe they will change for you.
     
  8. x0sugar

    x0sugar Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. You are right. I see married people go through this and it makes me so upset and sad for them. It’s just hard for me because I am so in love with this man. No one has ever made me feel the way he has made me feel. It scares me to imagine life without him at this point. But it’s true, it is not my job to fix him and he clearly puts his desires over my feelings. Relationships suck so hard.
     
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  9. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I'm sure he does love you and is torn up how much he has hurt you. He probably isnt outright lying because he thinks he can stop and probably will for a short time. It happens a lot in the beginning, especially after being caught. They feel the shame and vow to stop, fully intending to... But if he doesn't address the deep emotional issues that sends him to porn and masturbation, he'll get pulled back into it. Stopping cold turkey and white knuckling is the equivalent of a dry drunk and always results in relapsing.
     
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  10. Would he consider joining this site? He could see what will happen if he continues and see how the addiction affects other men.
     
  11. x0sugar

    x0sugar Fapstronaut

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    I don’t know tbh. The thing is with him is that he truly thinks he doesnt have a problem. When I asked him if he does he kept saying no and that he trusts that he will never go back to this behavior. But I don’t think I believe him as much as I want to. He has a lot of anxiety + suffers from depression and I think that when he gets really low mentally, his resolution is porn/masturbation/sex in general. I want to help him but how do I help someone who doesnt think they have a problem :(
     
  12. As much as you want to, you can't fix this for him. I thought I was different than my PAs ex-wife. I actually didn't like her for a long time, now I totally get why she left. This has everything to do with him and not you. I want you to know that. It's important. The thing about all of the SOs you see here is that we do care. Men like to say...well all men watch P. While that may be true, it's not normal behavior what you described. My PA would do the same thing cry, tell me how much he loved me and once he got my trust back, go back to again only hiding it better the next time. I would ask and he would lie. My gut would always tell me something was wrong and I would look and find something. I have lost count of the number of times it has happened now. It's such a deep wound. I wonder sometimes how I will ever be ok again.
     
  13. Also, if he doesn't have a problem, then joining this site should be no big deal right? There is a counter where he can keep track of how many days he has gone without that.
     
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  14. This might help too. It helped me a lot when I first started reaching out for support.
     
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  15. x0sugar

    x0sugar Fapstronaut

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    Oh my god I felt the same exact way about my boyfriend’s ex. It’s so crazy because she tried to warn me and I just thought she was jealous and spiteful. She messaged me on fb and said something along the lines of “good luck, he is going to cheat on you and ruin your life. He is evil and manipulative and I’m warning you.” And basically that feels like what is happening right now. People always say that men are usually the reason that their exes are crazy. And it’s somewhat true. I’m so sorry that you went through all of that. Are you still together? And how have you been coping with this? I try to tell myself that it’s not me and that I am good enough. But I somehow keep feeling like I couldn't please him enough or something. It’s crazy because he has wanted to be with me since we met and It took him a million tries to get me until he did. And now he does this shit? It’s so frustrating.
     
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  16. x0sugar

    x0sugar Fapstronaut

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    i’ll try to get him to join when we end up speaking again. Its been a couple of days tbh don’t even know whats going to happen at this point.
     
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  17. Do whatever it takes to make you feel better! That's number one, healing the pain you are feeling and starting to get your reality back. Keep reaching out to the women here! We understand you and we are here for you!
     
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  18. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    This is what your life will be - or worse. You are very lucky you know about it at this early stage. Many of the SOs here would love to have had the chance you have, but the problem was hidden from us until we were deeply/and or legally entrenched. Don't invest in this for one more day.
     
  19. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    I am gonna be blunt. RUN. AWAY. FROM. THIS RELATIONSHIP. He will not change and you will have a very unhappy life. You are single and free to find a man that really loves and values you!!
     
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  20. I'm with faded. You deserve a happy life without this.
     
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