Boyfriend is overcoming PIED, but says his mind is "weak." Help?

1

19911998

New Fapstronaut
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 months. Two or 3 months into our relationship, he told me he was addicted to porn and thought he had PIED. This was all new to me, so I did my research to learn more and be supportive.

He has since gone 90 days with without P or M, though we have continued a sexual relationship (once or twice a week, we only see each other on weekends). Leading up to the 90 day mark, we had discussed his progress, but it was clear to me that he was expecting it to be a cure-all and that if it wasn't, he would be very disappointed in himself. I went through the whole "90 days is an accomplishment in itself; you've removed something from your life that was harming you; it'll still be a process beyond 90 days," but I knew he wouldn't respond positively to my encouragement alone.

In terms of ED, at this point he seems to have no issue in getting an erection when the time comes, but he can't maintain it once he's put on a condom (condoms are necessary, otherwise we'd chose a different contraceptive). We've been able to successfully have sex 3 times with a condom, but I can feel that he's very tense and it takes him a while to finish. He says that his mind starts going, going, going with thoughts that he can't control, mostly things that are totally irrelevant to what we're doing. He recently told me he feels like his mind is "weak." It makes me sad that he feels like he needs to apologize during and after sex when he can't maintain an erection. It seems like the anxiety is getting worse since he passed 90 days because he thinks it should be no problem anymore.

I'm wondering if anyone has any tips or techniques for the two of us, either together or separately? I've tried searching for mindfulness tips online, but I wonder if someone here has more specific advice they could share.
 
PIED can take over two years to overcome.
As someone who' hhusband has PIED and he's about to hit the two year mark, and very occasionally we still see a issue... I can verify this.
The 90day reboot is a starting point... It's not a magic fix.
He's got to continue to work in himself and his reboot if he wants this.
Good luck
Let us know if you have any further questions
 
Hi my ex had PIED and death grip. At first it was just delayed ejaculation, he could only reach orgasm with his own hand, later it started to turn into ED and we did not use condoms. I am not sure if the condom is your boyfriend’s problem at all. It’s likely just an easy way to avoid blaming the real issue, him. 90 days without porn is a big accomplishment, but it is only the beginning for many people. Does he also have death grip? Has he stopped MOing or just the porn? Are you certain he is being honest? I applaud you for being so supportive and I applaud him for being honest with you so early on, most men do not do that. Being so understanding for you means he is more likely to be honest about his struggles. But when it comes down to it having ED makes a man feel weak, and embarrassed. YOu can talk him up and that may help but it has to come from within him. at a year out my ex still had issues. I finally came to the realization that he would n ever be able to orgasm from intercourse with me, and I was just not okay with that. His age also factors in. The longer he has been PMOing for, the longer recovery may take. The older that he is, the less sensitivity he has overall in his P as a natural part of the aging process. So many men with PIED would likely already have some age related ED even without P. It also sounds like he has anxiety. My ex had that too. He would never focus when we were having sex. Any little thing would distract him. If I spoke, if the phone rang it was over. He said his mind was racing about things totally unrelated to sex. ED and PIED can be very complicated. He should see at least some improvement after 90 days if he has quite porn and MO completely. If not that does not mean porn is not the cause,but it could mean that there are other related causes he may need to deal with or that he really has not stopped. Porn addiction is ultimately an intimacy problem. Sex is a shared experience, about mutual bonding. But for PMO addicts it is a solo experience. Usually even when you have sex with them, they are not really present. There is limited kissing, touching, etc.

Honest advice, read some of the posts from ladies on here that have married or been in long term relationships with PMO addicts, before you decide whether you want to continue in this relationship. You are very early in, and this is a lot to take on. It may not get better, and it may not change. I gave a strong effort to help and support my ex. But he continued to lie, and even when he did stop the PMO not much changed. His mind was not moving along with the change. Protect yourself and make the decision that is best for you whatever that is. Early on in a relationship sex should be fun and you should not have these concerns.
 
I believe that he has a death grip. He has told me that at its peak he was going up to 8 times a day and had been watching porn since he was a preteen (he's now 27, I'm 26). He says he's stopped P and M, and only orgasms when we're together.

I spoke to him last night and he told me that he relapsed that morning. He said he could feel it building over a couple weeks. We had spent the previous three days together, and that's when he had told me his mind felt weak, so I knew something was up. Obviously I was really hurt to find out he had relapsed after almost 120 days. I know I can't be his accountability partner (I will suggest he find someone) but I want him to feel like he can talk to me and say he feels a relapse coming on, and maybe we can try to work through it together.

In terms of honesty, he keeps saying that it's his problem to deal with and he doesn't want me worrying. I've tried to explain to him that I understand it's his issue to deal with but that it affects both of us and I want to help him however I can. I really don't know if he tells me the whole truth because he doesn't want to worry me. I feel like I can only ask him so much because I'm not his accountability partner and I don't want to sound like I'm judging him or "keeping tabs" on him. Part of me wants him to know it hurts that he relapsed right after we spent three days together, but I also don't want to push him away or make him feel too guilty or ashamed.

I will look into other people's experiences with long term partners. I was so encouraged that he went 90 days. I knew it wouldn't be a magic cure, but it proved to me that he was serious about recovery and serious about us. This feels like a huge step backwards. I've had very limited sexual experience in my life so it's hard not to take things personally, though the rational part of my brain knows that it's not my "fault" and he's been struggling with this for a very long time.

Thank you for sharing your experience, I see some similarities with mine. I will take your advice and definitely do some soul searching on how I see this playing out in the long term. I will see him again this weekend so we will have to have a better discussion about our long term goals and vision.
 
19911998 said:
I believe that he has a death grip. He has told me that at its peak he was going up to 8 times a day and had been watching porn since he was a preteen (he's now 27, I'm 26). He says he's stopped P and M, and only orgasms when we're together.

I spoke to him last night and he told me that he relapsed that morning. He said he could feel it building over a couple weeks. We had spent the previous three days together, and that's when he had told me his mind felt weak, so I knew something was up. Obviously I was really hurt to find out he had relapsed after almost 120 days. I know I can't be his accountability partner (I will suggest he find someone) but I want him to feel like he can talk to me and say he feels a relapse coming on, and maybe we can try to work through it together.

In terms of honesty, he keeps saying that it's his problem to deal with and he doesn't want me worrying. I've tried to explain to him that I understand it's his issue to deal with but that it affects both of us and I want to help him however I can. I really don't know if he tells me the whole truth because he doesn't want to worry me. I feel like I can only ask him so much because I'm not his accountability partner and I don't want to sound like I'm judging him or "keeping tabs" on him. Part of me wants him to know it hurts that he relapsed right after we spent three days together, but I also don't want to push him away or make him feel too guilty or ashamed.

I will look into other people's experiences with long term partners. I was so encouraged that he went 90 days. I knew it wouldn't be a magic cure, but it proved to me that he was serious about recovery and serious about us. This feels like a huge step backwards. I've had very limited sexual experience in my life so it's hard not to take things personally, though the rational part of my brain knows that it's not my "fault" and he's been struggling with this for a very long time.

Thank you for sharing your experience, I see some similarities with mine. I will take your advice and definitely do some soul searching on how I see this playing out in the long term. I will see him again this weekend so we will have to have a better discussion about our long term goals and vision.
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Reading this makes me feel like the most important piece of advice I can give you right now is to put yourself first. You cannot fix him. You should not be afraid to share your feelings with him as it may make him feel bad. Don’t walk around on eggshells! Communicating your feelings is crucial and he needs to know how much it hurts you.

You have a right to ask whatever questions you want as often as you want. If he refuses to answer or responds with defensiveness or anger he is not ready for recovery. He should get an accountability partner and it can’t be you but your boundaries can also be that he has to check in with you daily.

He is not not telling you to protect you from worrying don’t let him tell you that. He’s protecting himself from having to deal with the pain he knows this will cause you it’s about him. And not knowing will cause you to worry more than knowing.

Why is he stopping what is his reason? It sounds like he had a very serious addiction 8 times a day? From 8 times a day to cold turkey for 90 days with no slip ups? Call me a skeptic but I don’t believe him.

He is lucky to have you but please don’t sell yourself short. Don’t bend over backwards for this man. Stand up for your wants and needs. If he does not like it there are plenty of other fish in the sea!
 
You can stop porn and sexual behaviours but it won't necessarily solve the problems. We all have insecurity issues along with our amazing gifts! Porn is but one crutch that people look to so removing that isn't a solution in itself. I have done a ton of self development and getting myself sorted out. If there are underlying issues he is going to have to deal with them. I think the question for you is do you want to be in a relationship with a guy while he is sorting out his stuff? I am not saying you should not.
I am curious about what he means when he says his mind is "weak" - we all have weak areas but there are always solutions to strengthen the weakness and or avoid the environment that has these issues show up so acutely. Saying things like this can also be a cop out - he needs to move past identifying the problem (which he probably has not done properly or clearly yet), but the next and most important step is getting to work on the solution.
I had sexual performance issues for a while in my marriage. Some still linger from time to time. These were in part made worse by my porn use but they were mostly to do with my feelings of insecurity around sex and intimacy. I am an extremely mature and confident guy and know myself well - in many areas of my life. Asking for what I want, including saying no sometimes, around sex and intimacy is still very challenging at times. Most people could gain a lot from becoming more self aware and working on a few things. I suspect your man is in this category. How willing do you think he is to accept his problems and get to work on them?
You probably need to ask yourself what your issues are as well and look to deal with these. And decide whether you are up for the challenge or not. For the "right" person it's a no brainer to stick with a person through thick and thin - but you need to be clear in that issue as soon as you can be...
 
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