Brand new here (possible trigger warning)

Well, I’m here now. I’ve accepted that I have a problem with P. This is by far the most vulnerable and anxious I’ve ever felt. Like most here, I was introduced to P at a very young age (about 10 yrs old). I’m 35 now and it’s clear that I’ve become a slave to this poison. It’s caused me to live a double life full of secrets, shame and deceit. I’m blessed to be married to a woman who is the biggest gift God ever handed me. It’s funny too because until I came to terms with my addiction, I wasn’t so sure I even believed in God anymore. I looked out at this world and thought to myself “how could a God exist and have us sentenced to a world so coldand cruel”… I guess it was my way of trying to negotiate with myself that what i wasconsuming was innocent. Just sex on screen. But it’s not just that, for anyone reading this (especially beginning this journey like me), it’s anything but Okay. It’s pure and utter destruction.

As long as I can remember, I’ve always looked forward to my “alone time” to PMO. From sneaking in my bedroom as a kid, to sneaking in my home office as an adult. I just couldn’t get enough. I’d say at my worst i was PMO’ing twice a day (I’ve read others testimony, so I know this may not seem as excessive to some), but for me it was enough to drive me over the cliff of depression and isolation. I never thought that once I got married and had regular (amazing) sex with my wife, I would still be consumed by P. Well, I was wrong. It was like having my cake and eating it too, or whatever that expression is. Except, i wasn’t eating the cake, it was eating me.

Sometime around 2016 I was in the darkest part of my addiction (or that’s how I recall it at this point). I was PMO’ing every day whilemy wife was away at work. She felt the withdrawal and as you might imagine, she started seeking attention outside ourmarriage. And yes, she was successful. Most instinctual reactions would be to hunt himdown. But, How could I blame the guy either? He would be the luckiest man alive to have what I had taken for granted. Her affair lasted about a year. I never knew a thing (and she’s a HORRIBLE liar), shows howmuch I was engulfed in my own P induced zombie-mode (you know what I mean). Well, one night I caught her.

like most people living a lie, I began to become insecure and project my guilt outward. Knowing I was living a lie, I looked thru her phone. Maybe I was hoping she was also living a lie and it would alleviate my own guilt. Well I saw that she had been seeing this other man on her lunch breaksduring this time and even began to tell him she loved him. she said she never had sex with him, only kissing… but I never knew awoman to be in love with a man she wasn’t sleeping with. It was heart breaking. I had never felt so alone. Despite that, it still never caused me to think “I caused this because of my addiction. I withdrew from her and left her longing for a companion who could bepresent with her.” No, I didn’t do that. I lashed out, I yelled and threatened to leave. Now that I know what escalation is, it’s exactly what I did next. In the coming weeks and months ahead I didn’t know how to deal with the pain of betrayal… hey, after all I was only looking at women on a screen, I didn’t go out chasing skirts. I was doing nothing wrong (insert sarcasm here). So, for anyone who understands the process of feeling pain and trying to control the uncontrollable, I began to convince her that she should sleep with him and let me watch. Although I didn’t grasp this concept at the time: I was scared of his presence, so I figured I would use him as part of this cuck fantasy to try and turn the pain into pleasure. Like I said, P is completely and utterly destructive. How could any self respecting man WANT another man to fuck his wife and HOPE she loves it? Twisted. Sickening. *no disrespect to anyone here who has somehow managed to include that as a consensual part of their marriage*. It was definitely an exciting idea, but we know I was doing it for the wrong reasons. Although she never actually obliged to that extent, I encouraged her to send him nude pictures and sext with him… that much she eventually did. During those times, it was the biggest false pleasure I had received. I had a wife like the women I saw online. Sweet, right? Sure, if you think pimping out your wife for your own gratification is sweet. Looking back on that, it was one of my lowest points in my marriage. I began to ask her to watch cuck P with me hoping she’d like the thought of doing that with him in front of me. She obliged to watching that kind of P, but I could tell she just couldn’t get into it the way I hoped she would. She wanted ME, and I wanted to make her my P-star by pushing her into another man’s lap. Such shame.

I can say that years later, we are still together. It took a lot of time and conversing between us, but we finally managed to agree that the fantasy was fun to include in OUR private sex life, but that she wasn’t going to invite him over to cross that boundary… I’m still not convinced she didn’t sleep with him before, but that’s a moot point now. And what does it matter? I had been giving my O’s to pixels on a phone screen instead of being loving and present for my wife. We’ve managed to work through that issue and have become a lot stronger since we faced it together. Big win.

fast forward to now. I’m writing this after 3 days of no PMO. I confessed to my wife that I’m struggling with this addiction. She is hurt, sad and depressed feeling like she is somehow to blame for a problem I’ve had since I was a kid. I hate being the cause of her sadness. In spite of what happened in our past, I want to be there for her. I want to be her rock. Not the waves that come crashing down on it. I understand that I can’t call myself a good man and a protector of those females of whom I love, if I give my soul to an industry that abuses women. There is no gray area there folks.

I hope my journey to rewiring my brain to become healed and healthy goes the way I NEED it to. There is no other option. I will not lose my marriage and everything I’ve built, because I can’t stop looking at P. I’ll be journaling here more to share my progress and hope to inspire others to give thisgarbage up for good. I believe in you and I hope you’ll be there for me as I try and turn my life around. Feel free to ask questions as I’m sure there are holes in this post. I just needed to get it out. Thanks for letting me do this. P.S. I’m starting my first therapy session with a psychologist today. Wish me luck.

 

First therapy session was hard but liberating. This was the first time I’ve admitted my problem to someone. It was hard, wife was there too. It was hard hearing how much she’s been hurt by my actions, but she’s so incredibly supportive. No urges to PMO, so that’s going well so far. I know I’ll need to work on being MUCH more disciplined, but the motivation I have right now is off the charts. I made a deal with myself to give this up forever and there is no negotiations. It’s warrior mode time. I will overcome this and become the man I’m supposed to be.Hopefully I’ll have more good news to share in the coming days. Good night everyone and keep fighting. We got this.

 

Thank you very much, I appreciate that.

 

I really appreciate your feedback and support, this means a lot to me. Thank you so much. I’m looking forward to a healthier time in my life, but for now I’m just going to keep my head down, stay off that stuff completely and just do the work to heal myself.