Can any bisexual males confirm that heterosexual sex isn't affected when experimenting with gay sex?

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Maximus19, Jun 30, 2020.

  1. Maximus19

    Maximus19 Fapstronaut

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    Hey all,

    Just as a disclaimer, I am not intending to act out on some gay fantasies I have been having recently, but more want to understand bisexuality, and if acting out on gay fantasies (which are arousing) can make regular sex less enjoyable and appealing.

    For more context, I am 28, and have been masterbating to porn chronically since I was 14. I have always found females attractive when seeing them out in public, and have never found a male sexually attractive in public. However, within the last 5/6 years, I have been experimenting with gay sex in terms of going onto gay chatrooms and playing the sub role to a much older and stocky men, and have even acted out on it once by giving a blowjob to an older man. Leading up to the blowjob was exciting (in the chatroom), but the act was not as exciting as the thought, although still somewhat enjoyable (but the thought of doing it still turns me on now). What has really confused me, however, is that I have struggled to get as aroused with women compared to the past, and have experienced erectile disfunction more than once. So on one hand I am open to it being potentially down to chronic porn use, however I'm also open to it being something to do with me being bisexual (which I suspect, but am not 100 percent sure either).

    So I guess my question for any bisexual guys out there - can gay sex (and its enjoyment) make heterosexual sex boring and not appealing? Or can you enjoy both?

    I have always been someone who likes structure in my life, so I'd ideally be straight as it makes things much easier, and I really do feel like women are my type visually, however if I was bisexual, I hope it wouldn't impact me enjoying regular sex.

    P.S - Although I have relapsed many times in terms of watching porn and masterbating, when I am in a good and happy mood, and have avoided porn for a few days, gay thoughts usually tend to go away, and I feel more masculine and back to my normal self. The problem however is I haven't been able to do have sex with a woman when away from porn, so haven't been able to test my sexuality. So I guess I want to see if porn really has made me desensitised to heterosexual sex, or if I am bisexual or even gay, and that my sexuality is changing.
     
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  2. Ray_of_Sunshine

    Ray_of_Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    Sexuality is a fluid thing, some say it is a spectrum.

    I've met guys who are into women romantically but can get with guys sexually. Might be porn fuelled, might be not, but I suppose when the right feelings are mixed in towards the person, it won't matter if they're a guy or a girl, at least that's what being bi is about. With gay guys though, some of them purposely avoid sex with women.

    Maybe wait a couple of months when you're past the usual 90 day mark, that's usually when the brain starts to restructure, you'll be able to think clearer as what others have said in their testimonies, then you can decide.

    Being a structured person I understand how it's difficult to not have something that's not set in stone. I for one do not like labels, just brings unnecessary confusion for myself.
     
  3. Maximus19

    Maximus19 Fapstronaut

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    Hey mate,

    Thanks for the reply.

    Just to add more context, I've never ever had an emotional connection to a guy, and the gay fantasies are more done in an objectifying way (role play, role reversal etc). But yh, I like to think that my heterosexual ability isn't compromised as I genuinely think pretty girls are the most beautiful things walking this earth :).

    And solid advice mate, was also advised by someone else that jumping to conclusions when still hooked to porn, masterbation and fetishes won't clear things up, but further confuse things. But this scares me as there is always the 'what if' factor. I am a typical overthinker, so this really doesn't help.

    I guess what's quite funny is that I don't think I would mind being bisexual or slightly bisexual, so long as it doesn't affect my performance and enjoyment for sex with women who I find attractive :)
     
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  4. I am the same way, man.

    You see so many poor dudes here making posts about their HOCD and how distressing it all is, but I don't feel that way.

    I almost want to be bisexual, simply because it would add another layer of intrigue to my life. But in my heart of hearts, I know it's all a porn induced illusion.
     
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  5. Maximus19

    Maximus19 Fapstronaut

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    I wouldn't mind, but I'd ideally rather be what I've known my whole life, and that's be straight, and the reason is because it would make things much less confusing. I have Aspergers Syndrome, so confusion literally messes me up worse than most people.
     
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  6. Ray_of_Sunshine

    Ray_of_Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    That's the beauty of being Bi though, you literally have two choices.

    With that said, I don't think we should rely on labels imposed on us by society and just try to live our lives the way we want, not minding what others think, because people will always have something to say whatever you choose.

    I'm not even sure of myself but I find it comforting to just be "myself". If anyone asks me what I am, I'd just say I am what I am and that keeps them guessing.
     
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  7. Maximus19

    Maximus19 Fapstronaut

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    Wise words man.

    I've started to think on another potential test for bisexuality, and that's trying to think of a man in a non 'dirty' and 'role-play scenario'. Whenever I do this, I honestly don't get aroused, so this does lead me to think that these gay urges could be porn-induced due to the taboo and novelty of it. Ngl, I've had other new tastes which have arisen over the pst few years, so yh, really curious to look at all of this once having abstained from porn and masterbation for a good amount of time.
     
  8. Ray_of_Sunshine

    Ray_of_Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    I've encountered guys who are married to a woman and had experience with guys, they described it the same, their "attraction" to guys are more lust motivated rather than romantic. It could very well be due to porn.

    So keep your journey going, there's gonna be an answer for you waiting further down the line. :) I hope this helps.
     
  9. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    It’s all due to porn. It’s classic porn desensitisation. Searching for that next extreme hit because nothing else that’s natural to you can give you pleasure. Stop porn straight away or it will continue consuming you.
     
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  10. Maximus19

    Maximus19 Fapstronaut

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    Are these guys closet gays and in denial, or are they actually happily married and attracted to their wives?

    I've read a few forums, and all too often I see guys say they come out after 40 years of marriage etc, however these guys very well could have been gay all along, and knowingly so. But I also do see guys who say their tastes changed over time. Hmmm, I'm not sure about the latter tbh, as not only does it seem disrespectful to leave their wives based upon erotic urges, but I struggle to see how you can 'turn' gay. Doesn't make sense to me. Maybe they are seeing lust for men as a change in their sexuality. Hell, in the right context, men could prob get off to anything.
     
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  11. Maximus19

    Maximus19 Fapstronaut

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    I have started, and want to give it all my utmost effort too. I've masterbated multiple times a day (talking more than 5 times) over porn since I was 14 (I'm 28 now), so you can imagine how much damage this has caused me.

    Gay urges are not the only new urges I have had sadly. I admittedly went through a phase of being into beastitality (although this was short lived), incest, teens (although not underage, this still worried me), and also very old women.

    So yh, what you say could be it. PIED with pretty girls doesn't help though, and adds further confusion and doubt.
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2020
  12. Ray_of_Sunshine

    Ray_of_Sunshine Fapstronaut

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    Yeah that's pretty much it, there's different combinations of these situations which makes you think that there's different answers for everyone. It does seem selfish to leave their wives behind, but if it mean happiness for both parties I suppose that's what matters. The woman gets to re-marry another guy and hopefully they'll stick together, the guy gets to live his life freely without having to hide himself.

    But that's not to say they acted on their desires though, probably childhood trauma and upbringing caught up with them, or it may have been due to religious reasons. It does seem difficult to live in uncertainty for the rest of your life and probablh made you jealous or at least a little towards straight guys, because they never had to "figure" it out, but I assure you it's the same for everyone. I've heard of the phrase "everyone is a little gay" over and over and it only made sense when I came across the statement that "sexuality is fluid", you could be %straight and %gay. Then again there are guys who might be closeted, get married to women and they do form a relationship, just not a conventional one, eventually it all ends up in acceptance from the part of the woman.

    And yeah that's another point of view, just because you view porn that involved animals doesn't mean you're attracted to animals as well, and so on. It's the orgasm and the dopamine release that keeps us looking for that explosion of taboo and uncommon, keeps us wanting more till we get over it and move on to the next crazy thing that the porn industry has cooked up for us. Here's another statement,

    "Our addictions does not define who and what we are as a person." :)
     
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  13. JC1004

    JC1004 Fapstronaut

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  14. JC1004

    JC1004 Fapstronaut

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    I am married and I am an addict in recovery, 8 years clean. However during recovery I get a hit when masturbating with guys over Skype. I want to quit and stop like I did with substances. I had 9 days without any engamente however at this moment I am texting with a guy over skype and I want to stop.
     
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  15. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    The gay thoughts will occupy your mind the more you think about them and it could trick you into thinking you actually want them. I did the same, aggressively death gripping myself multiple times a day for years to extreme genres of porn because I was unknowingly desensitised. I’m 20.

    I had a very low self esteem so I think the gay stuff sort of worked as a way to bring me down even further. I always hated it but I sort of conditioned myself to expect negative feelings when I have a PMO session. It was a very destructive cycle, literally forcing myself to PMO to images of people that I did not find attractive in the slightest, and porn acts that were the most extreme things possible. All for the sick escalation reinforcement.

    I’ve quit porn now for good and am masturbating once every couple weeks as a way to wire my sexual reward circuits back to a natural touch with natural and pleasurable fantasies of things I actually like. I still get anxiety over things like this and I still get flashes of extreme porn in my mind but that’s because I fell back into another relapse 2 weeks ago, so I’m having the post relapse effects.

    What I’ve noticed is the more you think about the gay stuff in an anxious way, the more powerful it becomes. I wake up and images of random guys faces goes into my mind and I suddenly freak out and think it’s because I like it, when in reality, they are the most bland and boring images in the world. I mean a guys face isnt beautiful at all. Every single thing I know about beauty and attractiveness is seen in women, yet my brain is occupied with the things that I divert my anxiety towards. And that constant anxiety and flashing of shit in your brain can trick you into thinking that it must be what you want, even if it doesn’t feel right.

    Same with the gay pornographic acts. For a straight guy, those acts are the most extreme stuff in the world because it literally goes against who you are as a person. But thanks to porn escalation, one can desensitise themselves to everything they love and get tot he point where only extreme stuff can make them respond. Like you said, you’ve responded to a bunch of different extreme sub genres of porn because of desensitisation. And gay stuff is probably the most extreme,(apart from pedo shit) because it literally goes against who you’ve always known yourself as. It changes the scene completely and eliminates the one part of porn that you actually found physically and emotionally attractive, the women.

    So if random gay thoughts about doing extreme stuff go into your head, dismiss them as extreme porn spikes immediately! Because that’s what they are. You’re thinking about the shit you’ve seen in porn and it’s giving you a response because your addiction thinks it’s about to get its reinforcement. Why would you want to think about extreme porn when trying to quit a porn addiction. Trust me it’s counterproductive, and from my perspective, I went 70 days with no PMO, but I would constantly think about the extreme porn scenarios almost daily as a way to make sure I didn’t respond to them, because I wanted to go back to normal so badly. Unfortunately that was counterproductive and the addiction hijacked me, and I relapsed. And it was awful and it made me feel shattered the moment I knew that I was about to relapse. Felt like a trance. It was pathetic. Don’t make that mistake.
     
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  16. Maximus19

    Maximus19 Fapstronaut

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    Do you find the guy attractive, or is it more of a thrill due to it being naughty?
     
  17. Maximus19

    Maximus19 Fapstronaut

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    Hey mate,

    Thanks for the reply, was really insightful.

    I totally see what you are saying about guilt and anxiety, they really do strengthen these thoughts and urges. It's actually so painfully obvious how removing guilt and anxiety around homosexual thoughts will actually lower (if not totally eradicate) any sort of thrill from it. I actually read an article which linked anxiety to arousal. Was a very interesting read.

    However, being a very analytical and overthinking person, part of my head also sees all of this avoidance as potentially being a sign of people being in denial, and going against their true inner urges. I'm not saying this is the case, but there is also always the possibility that someone going through these urges and senses of guilt after could be bisexual or gay. However what is quite indicative about my situation and yours is how we both still find women attractive, and don't find men attractive. This to me is both comforting, but also hella confusing too.

    But I also totally agree about what you said regarding not falling into the trap of entertaining gay thoughts to see if you respond to them or not. I've definitely done this in the past, and yh it just further confused me.

    So my plan of action is to obviously go without porn and masterbation for 90 days (I don't see any scientific backing for this, but it seems to have worked for some guys), but also to try and change my attitude on homosexuality. The reason I think the latter is important is because as much as I think I am no homophobic, the fact that I fear it and see it as taboo is also potentially part of what makes it so enticing at times. Could be wrong, but I think taking away the power of the fear around homosexuality could potentially be a game changer. I don't know how I will do this, but will def look into it.

    But as is the case with many people on this forum, it's never ever just one factor involved, there are many, making it all the more confusing. For me, the combo of the following is what makes me very confused:

    1) PIED (I've struggled to keep an erection in sex with women in the past (not all, but quite a few)

    2) Still find women attractive, and don't find men anywhere near as attractive (I can see a guy and say he is good looking and admire the face, but never get sexually attracted to them)

    3) Have dabbled in gay porn, fantasies, chatrooms, and even acted out on it once. The whole fact that I have done this whereas many other straight guys would not, makes me question myself a lot, especially since I can get aroused by this. But arousal is interesting as I've never gotten an erection naturally from anything gay (I get more of a naughty tingly sensation), but have from women.

    4) As much as I like, respect and empathise with the plight of gay people, I think I may indeed be internally homophobic, and the evidence is that I still don't see it in a normal light.

    5) I am an incredibly obsessive thinker, on the point that I think I may have OCD. I will fixate on things in a very unhealthy manner.


    So yh, all the above things, combined, make my struggle all the more difficult. If it were only one or two, then would be much easier to manage, but all these things combined are making it a real tough and confusing journey for me.

    Oh well, will have to try my best :)
     
  18. ShockTheSystem

    ShockTheSystem Fapstronaut

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    hey @Maximus19, I really relate to this post so there’s a few things I can address from my past.

    I am married and love my wife and have sex with her more than anyone else. There are times we hit dry spells and I turned to porn and then that would lead to more(chatrooms, kik, Skype, etc) it’s all porn induced, because I have no emotional desire to be with men



    I get that way too, like where “if I don’t release/cum, I am going to go crazy” and I would want it in the highest way I could (Skype kik etc)
     
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  19. hibiguy

    hibiguy New Fapstronaut

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    For what it's worth, I am bisexual and had no problems even when I was pretty much only looking at gay porn.

    I have a girlfriend that I love and I've never not been attracted to her. Honestly I would rather have my "me time" be focused on the gay side of things because the attraction is just physical for me, I couldn't see myself being in a relationship with a man. It's much more difficult for me to think of any other woman in a sexual way because I've already got everything I want in that regard.

    Basically you can be attracted to and fantasize about guys while still wanting and enjoying sex with women. I would never throw away my relationship so I could act on my fantasies, nor would I choose to have sex with a guy instead of her if I was made to choose.

    But if the opportunity comes up, like a threesome with another bi guy or we both agreed to a "one-time, same-sex" pass, I'd go for it immediately.

    Tl;dr is basically: it's possible to just love sex in general. If you honestly like women now, accepting that you can also enjoy men isn't going to change that.
     
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  20. Breadman

    Breadman Fapstronaut

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    I used to go both ways and no it never bothered me. I just went with the flow and had a good time. Then I found the love of my life, a woman and then I felt guilty about having gay fantasies and some very limited sex with a close guy friend. Eventually stopped that too. So I guess my answer is it depends on your attitude toward sex, gay or straight. If the quilt of sex with a guy affects you with women then I’d stop with the guys if you want women. If your mind is ok with both then be clear with your partners. I’ll be married to my love 47 years this August. My big mistake was I never told her until I was in my late 60s. Once I fessed up to her and my 3 adult kids the gay stuff pretty much disappeared. So now I wonder if the danger of being caught was actually what triggered the gay stuff. Who knows? Just keep trying to find out who and what you are And try not to angst over it. I will say porn has to stop you’ll never figure it out if you don’t. Too many rabbit hole to go down when you use porn.
     
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