Can someone please explain how to empathize?

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by need4realchg, May 11, 2019.

  1. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    i mean this for women primarily but anyone who knows how to empathize can help.

    I realize my wife when she talks has triggers that reflect built up emotions.
    In my opinion , she talks in circles, and is full of emotions.

    When this happens I normally get quiet to listen or I try to correct the premise that I find incorrect.

    Either way I get told I’m not being empathetic. So.... what is it ?
    Last edited: May 11, 2019
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  2. Bale

    Bale Fapstronaut

    Wait. What?

    @need4realchg : who says you're not being empathetic?
  3. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    My SO .
  4. Euphorer

    Euphorer Fapstronaut

    There's a book called "The Laws of Human Nature" that has a full chapter on building empathy. I recommend it
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  5. koolpal

    koolpal Fapstronaut

    It's more than just listening, and less about finding a solution.

    It's more about understanding their point of view. Not that you have to agree or disagree. But that you understand their way of thinking, whether it be wrong, right, emotional, or a using circular logic. That's just the way they think.
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  6. Max Fisher

    Max Fisher Fapstronaut

    I always understood empathy as feeling and close to possible what the other person feels in the moment. Putting yourself in their place. Assigning similar feelings you have to a person in a situation that might be in a situation you had those feelings in (???). This is in contrast to sympathy which is just feeling sorry for someone. Empathy is feeling as they feel. I dont think it is something you can learn. You can learn to fake it better I guess.
  7. llortaton

    llortaton Fapstronaut

    My Journal
    Maybe you're feeling empathy for her... but she's not feeling empathy for you. That's why she's saying you aren't feeling empathy.
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  8. koolpal

    koolpal Fapstronaut

    One way is to actually experience a similar situation or recall a past experience, then that lightbulb turns on, "Wow! This is like what she went through! This sucks! Now I know how she feels!". Sometimes its takes years from now to genuinely experience that.
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  9. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut

    Good explanation Max.
  10. Souvent08

    Souvent08 Fapstronaut

    This reminds me on my exgirlfriend. She used to talk about things that bothered her. These were things she saw other people do like being rude to someone. Then, I would brush it off or try to rationalize it. She would get upset with me over that. I learned to just listen and try to validate her feelings as opposed to trying to explain the situation or looking for a solution. Let me just say that I got tired of doing that. Maybe now that I an on Nofap I can handle it better. As guys, we should be there for our lady. Even if that means we do things that are not in our nature. Best of luck my friend!
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  11. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut

    I am not surprised your wife says you are not empathetic!

    When she releases her emotions about the issue(s) she has, the last thing she is looking for is for you to fix it. o_O Illogical to you, no doubt. That is because you are seeing it from only your point of view. If you spoke about the issue(s) you had, you would welcome a pragmatic solution, right? But empathy is not about what you want or what you would want if you were sharing something difficult or painful. Empathy is about feeling her pain in your heart. It is very powerful because to her, this is a validation of how she feels. That is incredibly comforting and strengthening. Once you have fully listened and made the effort to feel what she is feeling, then she will know you have empathised with her.

    Perhaps in a separate conversation you could follow up by asking if it would help to look at possible ways to limit the impact of what she is feeling. Then might be an opportunity to suggest options to do with these false assumptions etc.
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  12. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Glad you are not surprised; I was not trying to surprise you.

    let me ask you: if I am accused of holding a position that misrepresents my view, do I correct it or empathize?

    Based on the various points I do know how to empathize but I don’t do it because I first seek to correct how my position(s) are incorrectly described.
  13. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut

    Ah, so the issue is you.

    In this case, use the conditional tense. E.g. "If someone that I loved said [XYZ] to me and I concluded that [ABC] then I would feel the same as you do..." In the case the XYZ = what she said you said, and the ABC = her assumptions about it.
  14. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Ok, Interesting.

    In female-lead conversations here on nofap, there is a obvious culture that pushes lots of empathy for women-to-woman, but that isn’t the default for woman-guy conversations.

    Do women expect empathy first, understand later?

    Appreciate everyone’s points thank you. I want to fully understand it from a woman’s point of view.
  15. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    To clarify: I am not the issue, rather the misrepresentation of my position is the issue.

    I like the conditional tense suggestion though. Is using that being empathetic ?
  16. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut

    OK, got it.
    Yes, for sure.
  17. koolpal

    koolpal Fapstronaut

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  18. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

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  19. ClickClickBoom

    ClickClickBoom Fapstronaut

    To me empathy is being able to put yourself in someone elses shoes, understanding the experience that someone is portraying to you because (possibly, this depends on you) you v experienced the same thing before at a certain point in your life and now has she tells you her experience your able to in a certain way relieve it, you will feel the same emotions you felt when you experienced it for yourself.
    Some people are more emphatic then other, im actually not sure how you can develop this certain trait in yourself tho.
    But from what you wrote this might be of help to you,

    Best wishes,
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  20. Moonborn

    Moonborn Fapstronaut

    Listen intently and try your best to understand but most of all be supportive. I am not married nor do I have a girlfriend so take this advice with a grain of salt.

    From what I have observed though that's the advice I would give.
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