Hi, I have been abstaining from PMO since the middle of January when my fiance, now my girlfriend/ lodger and by the 23rd April to be my ex girlfriend found this site. I hope the last thing doesn't happen. My girlfriend (not a term she likes anymore) more my lodger has been looking for somewhere else to live with her daughter as she can't stay with me through this painful journey any more. Unfortunately this is something that has or will happen to a lot of us PMO Addicts on here. I have through life buried my head in the sand over most if not all issues that are uncomfortable or too hard. Unfortunately i did the same with PMO justifying it in my head denying the real issues i have with myself, my sexuality and my view on women in general. I lost a previous marriage and my children as i never acted correctly (not through PMO directly), instead i hid from issues and should have faced them. I feel i am slipping from the point i am trying to make which is that i need to focus the energy i used too use for PMO onto my search and pursuit for happiness and a higher consciousness. I am still figuring out what this will be as my SO has said that unless i come up with a great revelation/ epiphany in the next two days that is officially the end as she will be putting in an offer on the flat she has been to view. I cannot use my main focus on trying to keep my SO in my life as it is not a stable place and i do not above anything else want to fall back into the PMO trap. Honestly and i never thought i would say this in Jan, Feb or March but "i would rather go without PMO for the rest of my life for the odd consensual act of sex with a loving partner" this does not mean 1 night stands but id rather O over someone in the flesh who wants me and i want them than to defile myself or any other person. This does not mean i will succeed but i have set out my stall and have every desire to stick to my plan. By putting it on here it has a date, purpose and accountability from the other users on this site. As a footnote I have tried fleetingly, not with all i can but what i stupidly thought was enough to save my relationship and so far have failed. I do still hope that i can stay with my SO and live a happy life together but that choice is not mine to make. I am going to make my main focus this weekend my SO and our relationship in the last hope of staying together. If this fails to work i can continue my journey as the changes i am making in my life are to ensure that: 1) I do not hurt another person in this way 2) I appreciate and try to understand women better 3) I grow as a person and dare i say it "A MAN" 4) I find happiness 5) I find love again in whatever form it presents itself (not necessarily another person). I'm sure there is more to add to this list but it has been a long week and my mind and body is tired. I will be back tomorrow, if only to write in my journal. I hope that those who read this have more success than i have had and learn from my experience. I am not currently in a place i would wish upon any other person. Good night.