Checking in - revised

After posting this message, I thought about a couple of other things:

• Mindfulness is essential to recovery. I'm not talking about following a religious practice or accessing a higher power. I'm talking about being aware of your thoughts, accepting them, sitting with them, and choosing how to act on them. Without mindfulness, you can't begin to recover nor will you succeed.
• At least for me, the intensity of urges doesn't get any less, but on the bright side not any worse either. Urges happen because we are at the base of it sexual beings and sometimes we have a need (others are invited to support or refute this belief). The trouble is we don't have a healthy way to satisfy that need. Going back to mindfulness, we can ride out an urge only if we're mindful of it.

End of revision

Hello ladies and gents: Back posting after more than a week hiatus. Pleased to report I was busy during that time and not acting out. And even more elated to report that today I achieve 90 days of no PMO! I reached my goal, but not without some trials. I thought it appropriate to talk about my experience over these weeks, what's worked and what's not.

• In some ways, staying sober was easier than I thought it would be, and harder. I quickly arrived at the notion that half of my issue with porn was simply a habit, and I needed to change that habit. That track worked until I hit the first trigger and urge!
• In all my previous attempts to stay clean, I never paid a lot of attention to triggers. I could feel an urge, but triggers come on fast and furious sometimes, and quite often lead to acting out. Paying attention to what triggered me meant I could work on avoiding those situations. Please note, I have not mastered control of every situation, but it certainly helps to know when and what might set me off.
• I've been using porn for more than 40 years, making modest attempts to stop for the last 20, and not really getting very far until this latest reboot. I ask myself why now and not in the past, and the answer is I wasn't ready or equipped. I think that to really get clean, you have to be mentally and spiritually ready, have worked through whatever "stuff" you are covering up with that dopamine rush, and most importantly stop letting shame, guilt and lack of self-confidence rule that day. Don't get me wrong, these are HUGE things. It took me 20+ years to get to this point, to the point of letting go of shame, of not letting guilt make decisions for me, of building enough self-confidence to 1) embrace my addict side and love him, and 2) to feel like I can acknowledge, accept, and process my addiction.
• Staying sober is mostly a personal challenge and task, but it involves letting others into you struggles. This site was an impetus and blessing for my recovery. You all have supported me by liking, or not liking, my posts, becoming friends, giving feedback and suggestions, and most critically, not judging me. I suppose the anonymity of the site that allows us to be free to share, but the support is there and that's what's important. A HUGE thank you to everyone here. We have to recover on our own, but having friends around sure helps.

So, here I am at 90 days. Life is changing around me. My wife retired about a week and a half ago, which means she is around more often and posting here becomes more difficult. One of these days I'll share my progress with her, but not right now. In eight weeks of so, my son goes off to university. He's an only child, and this is a big step for him, my wife and me. It strikes me as I write these words that perhaps an unconscious reason for my progress is knowing these changes were coming and a personal change was needed.

I'll be here on and off, so looking forward to supporting you all as much as I can. In the interim, I'm working towards 180 days and then a year... periodically, one moment at a time, regularly by the day, and with your thoughts, prayers, and support, for life.

Peace