I can't stop thinking about my ex. She ended things with me due to my addiction and she has said she never wants to see me again. I know I have to just let go but I keep hoping that if I get better she will want to be with me again. That thought is keeping me sick though. It keeps me thinking that my relationship with her could be reality and not just in the past so I keep relapsing on fantasizing about her. I was and am so into her mind body and soul and because of the intense connection and chemistry we had, the sex was mind blowing. Just thinking about it is such a thrill and it's so hard to live without. But the relationship got unhealthy to the point where I was having sex with her for hours every night and fantasizing about her all day constantly whenever I wasn't with her. She ended the relationship because it wasn't healthy but the worst is after we weren't dating but were friends she came over and I hurt her because of my sex addiction. I totally lost control and acted in a way that's against all of my values and is really unforgivable. Even if she was willing to forgive me, thinking I could ever be in a relationship with her and be healthy is like thinking I can do heroin and not get addicted. It just isn't realistic because that's not how the disease of addiction works. I just can't give up on the dream of being with her again. We were going to have kids together and have a life together. I know it wouldn't have worked out well because of how sick I am but my disease keeps telling me it would have all been worth it. So I keep thinking about her and craving everything we used to have. From sex to cuddling and dates. But especially sex more than anything. I get flashes of memories, I'll remember a moment of kissing her intimately and gently and get wildly turned on and not be able to stop fantasizing. Remembering that makes me remember the intense sexual release that is better and more complete than I've had with anyone else. Because intimate moments always led to passionate, wild sex. Once I started I wouldn't be able to stop even if I wanted to. Sometimes we would have sex over and over again and I would want to stop and do something more meaningful like talk, go out, or just watch a movie and cuddle. But I couldn't stop, I always felt like I really really needed one more round and then I would be okay. The craving for sex got overwhelming the minute we started anything even kissing and didn't stop until we collapsed from exhaustion hours later. I miss the intensity but I also really don't want to be in that situation, it wasn't healthy. I'm 3 days clean at this moment but I've been trying for a couple months. I made it to 30 days once and hope to get there again. One day at a time.
