Day 48: The urges are still exactly the same, but now I fear them...

I have hit day 48. My last longest streak was 14 days. I can't believe how far I've come on this, it's insane. It hasn't even felt like 48 days. The first 30 felt unbearably long but ever since, I'm surprised it's day 48.

The positive:

• Taught me to control myself sexually and disciplinary. It gave me a sense of discipline that no man on this planet will ever have.
  
• Taught me to stop objectifying women. Now when I see a girl, I don't have thoughts of fucking her brains out in my mind. I just take her in as a human.
• It has increased my own personal attraction levels to everything immensely. When I used porn, I would see a girl, and only be attracted to her slightly for a certain, VERY SPECIFIC fetish I saw on porn. That's it; I wouldn't even have thoughts of fucking her, I'd just have thoughts of her in the fetish porn scenario. It's fucked up. Now, I have become so god damn horny that I even considered jerking off to myself in the mirror because I was just so full of love and sexual energy. Before, I would not even be slightly attracted to anything on a girl (except her doing the act of a fetish), and now, I see just the clothed behind of a girl and I have the biggest hard-on in the world. It's amazing; I'm so happy that my tastes are re-opening; ironically, moving away from all the sexual acts in the world is making me more sexually active and expressive (all of the buzzfeed magazines saying porn broadens your tastes are weeping in their corner as I say that).
• It gave me a fear of porn and lust-filled images. Used to, I would see a fully nude woman and I'd just go to town on my ding-dong. Now, my heart drops and I almost gain a sense of fear at the thought of seeing a nude image online (I am not actively seeking them out; a random website I was on had a picture of a nude girl with her legs spread, and I accidentally came across it; I instantly scrolled away and almost felt a sense of complete phobia of porn now). I was watching a NoFap video from Fearless Dan and he had a screenshot (blurred, of course) of PornHub, and even being blurred, I was scared away like a terrified girl who sees a bug flying around in class or something. Even the sheer thought of the act, no porn shown scares me; I saw him do a little skit video of the process of relapsing, and it almost caused straight up PTSD for me.
• It's probably saved me lots of time. I typically watch(ed) porn every day or so, for about 15 minutes, after I finish(ed), I would clean it up in the shower (no mess) and be in there for about 15 minutes, and on other days, it would take me 30, if I was feeling extremely guilty about using. Then it would take me about 15 minutes to dry off (or 1 hour if I was guilty about using, which was pretty much every time). So that's about an average of 1 hour of wasted time per day due to only 15 minutes of porn usage, so I have effectively saved myself 48 hours of my life since rebooting, most likely.

The neutral/unaffected:

• My fetish is not gone. My fetish is not porn-induced (it was conceived probably around age 8, years before I would watch porn), but a lot of the aspects of my fetish I love now are porn-induced. However, even those aspects have not gone, the porn thoughts of the fetish still persist. I went on NoFap to get rid of the fetish and restore my sexual tastes, because it had become a problem for me, and I thought the fetish was really strange even though I love it (and still love it), but at least my original sexual tastes have been restored. I'm not complaining about not losing my fetish, I still love it and want a girl to do it to me, but in my time of watching porn, it was never watching 2 people fuck, it was always watching my fetish, so just the act of thinking of the fetish brings flashbacks to porn, and I still want it to go away because it's weird and I don't want to have to talk to girls about it since it's fucking weird.
  
• My day-to-day life has not changed. NoFap does not give you super-powers, people. Girls will not magically look at you because you haven't released your nut, that's fucking absurd. Your day-to-day life will change based on how you change it, not based on the fact that you just don't touch your dick.
• My confidence has not increased. I figured that not feeling shameful about watching porn, or not watching porn instead of approaching cute girls (my excuse was that I just didn't care enough; I was right, porn was just so much easier.) would make my confidence much higher with girls; it did not (sort of). While my DRIVE to go out and get a loving partner has spiked up dramatically, and the drive to make passionate, hot, loving sex to her body and herself has spiked up dramatically (compared to basically just wanting masturbating with her body before the streak), the actual confidence in wanting to approach them hasn't come yet. I figured that my brain would just have the same fasting effect it had on actual sexual thoughts (getting so horny I could masturbate to my own self) in the form of approaching girls, but even then, that still hasn't come, i still just can't get myself to approach girls.

The negative:

• It gave me a sense of fear of porn and lust-filled images (and just nudity in general). Why is this bad? While being scared of porn is one thing, I just feel like seeing any woman nude would make me scared and would kind of incite a PTSD-related feeling from porn, whether she's on my favorite movie, she's on a magazine, she's at a street festival or art show or whatever, or even if she's in my own fucking bed. I feel like even if I were to see a beautiful, real girl on my bed, completely nude, I'd just get PTSD from porn, like it was an escape back into porn somehow. I don't know, that's just kind of how I feel. Thinking about the sexual thoughts in my mind doesn't unnerve me at all, but when I'm out and about in public or something, like at an art festival or something, and there will be a painting of a nude woman and I'll just look away immediately, almost like a phobia. Hell, I'll even see a girl in a bikini, or just some sort of fully-clothed (but still suggestive) outfit and get this major nervousy/fear feeling in my stomach. I think this is really bad in the sense that this reboot has kind of taught me to fear nudity, whether it's on a computer screen (good fear), or it's on your own bed (bad fear).
• The urges ARE NOT GONE. Most people say the urges disappear after like 3-6 weeks. It's week 7 and they're probably stronger than fucking ever. I've started waking up in the middle of the night with my underpants stained with boat-loads of cum, without even realizing it. I've had uncontrollable wet dreams. Right before I go to bed every night, the thoughts of me fucking a beautiful woman are still in my head, no matter how much i try and change the subject. I'll be doing something COMPLETELY UNRELATED to sexual activity, like coding for example, and I'll just get this sudden urge. The urges vary a lot, to porn urges (wanting to watch porn and look at it), masturbation urges (just wanting to masturbate, nothing else), and sex urges (wanting to cuddle up inside a girl, if ya' know what I mean). Some days, I will have an urge where I don't want to watch porn at all, but I just want to get down and dirty with a real girl. Some days, I will have an urge where i don't want to watch porn at all or have sex with a real girl, but instead just self-pleasure myself with no fantasy included. Some days, I will have an urge where I don't even want to masturbate, but just look at porn. It's really strange. But it's not gone. For sure. Not gone at all, it is still very much with me.

All in all, right now, I would absolutely not and absolutely would recommend doing NoFap. Why not? Because it's just easier to get off with porn. Truly there's nothing bad about it, it won't make you look less attractive or make your hair fall out or make every girl you look at drool over you or whatever, that's all fucking pseudoscience bullshit. In fact, it's probably healthier and better for your well-being to keep yourself 'sexually active' on a daily basis, even if it's fake sexual pleasure. But why yes? Because watching porn is a beta behavior. Sex is a connection, not a pleasure. Even if there are no side effects, hell, even if there are positive side effects to watching porn and masturbating, I'd rather pride myself in a self-image of someone who doesn't do that. I love standing out from the crowd. I love going for what I want. I don't want porn, I want a loving woman. The people who watch porn are losers, because they can't deal with the struggle and pain of not releasing their load to some random broad on the internet. They're willing to settle for some poor young lady on a set of pixels, probably being forced against her will to be fucked, instead of finding a true woman who is not only beautiful and sexy, but sweet, and caring, and loving to you as a human being. I am a strong advocate against social media and various other ways we are replacing social interactions with the internet, and porn absolutely ties into that. It's disconnecting us, both socially and sexually. I'd rather be the guy that is the only person in the world who doesn't watch porn, and have people fascinated by it, then get some little 'prostate cancer'. I do NoFap because I don't settle. I will not settle for some poor girl on a set of pixels. I will not settle for immediate gratification. My penis will connect inside someone who I truly love, admire, and vibe with. It will not conenct inside my grip, who is probably not attracted to it at all. I will not lie on my bathroom floor anymore, with a blank expression, no sexual excitement whatsoever, with multiple tabs open, simping and selling my soul (and my hard-earned money) to some girls that don't fucking care about me (and I don't fucking care about) on the internet. I will not be controlled. I will not masturbate, because it is a weak behavior. It definitely won't make you blind, and it'll definitely make you healthier physically, but it'll also definitely make your mind and discipline so much stronger.

If there's anything I want to leave off on, it's a question or two: Why are the urges still present nearly 7 weeks later? When will they go away? I can fight them for however long it takes, I have proven to myself that i will never watch porn till the day I'm fucking dead, but it's only a matter of time before your shields get broken down so hard, for such a long time, that they just crack and you can't do anything about it. My second question would be: How do I cure my phobia of nudity? The point of me doing NoFap was so I could be sex-positive, not sex-negative. Do I just have to get a girlfriend and go to town and just let it be? How do I deal with the fear of relapse and guilt when I will see her nude body, spread out for me on my bed? What can I do? I found a diagnosis for my symptom; "nudophobia". One of the common fixes of this phobia is just simple exposure therapy, which you can probably guess is exactly what we are all trying to avoid here. Any tips?