Day one: from the depths of despair

Hi. My name is Robert. I am in 11th grade in high school and am currently unemployed.
For the past 4 years, I have been battling a debilitating dopamine addiction. Porn, video games, short-form videos, media, you name it.
I have gone through several journals constantly fucking up and going through the same cycle on and on for what seems like an eternity now
Sometimes, I catch a break. A week, two weeks, three, four, a month, two, but in the end, everything eventually starts crashing down. I download some shitty game again. I start watching porn, losing sleep, losing drive, not studying, and skipping the gym until I collect enough courage and motivation to get rid of it all and try to get it all back in order.
This constant cycle has been exhausting. It's so debilitating that now when I look back at things, I have been stunted by this so much. With all of that being said, I also gained a ton of experience and wisdom through all my losses, but eventually, the clock runs out and I give in. And like dominoes, everything starts falling down, one by one...
This idea of making a blog popped into my head while I was laying on my bed, sapped from just busting, and wondering where I went wrong.
These past two days I should have been studying hard, but so many things piled up, and I did anything but study.
I need to find my purpose. I need to break this cycle. It's been going round for so long and I am so exhausted because of it that I don't think I can... take it anymore.
I am pissed. I am pissed at myself. I am pissed at the world for getting me addicted to this stuff, and for making me lose so much. But the world doesn't care. Life goes on, and nobody is going to wait for me to sob. It is and always was my responsibility and my responsibility only to get up and break this cycle. Right now I feel like a husk, an empty shell, all my energy is gone, in the bin. It feels hopeless. This is what depression feels like. I am losing hope.
...
Dear world.
I am in control of myself, in control of my own brain. I dictate the actions I take, and I don't need any energy from you or any bullshit spiritual guidance.
I make my own destiny, through self-discipline and through doing hard work always.
How can you stop me? With emotions? With distractions? What if, I don't care about those?
What if, those were never a thing, they can't get to me if I don't let them. I am in control of my own body and actions, and if I don't will to do something, my brain can't force me to.
So, this is my grand gesture. I am getting a buzzcut and from now on, I am practicing self-discipline. I don't need energy, I only need my life.
This is weird. I feel weird. It feels like, I just snapped out of a trance. I am actually, breathing? My butt is sitting on the chair, my back is against the chair. My arms are resting on the desk, and my feet are a bit cold and are touching the rough texture of my slippers. My glasses are a bit foggy and my back is stretching the fabric of my bathrobe. My fingers are automatically hitting the keys I intend? I can actually grab and feel objects around me, they are real. I can feel the spaces between the keys, and the shut-in in smell in my room. I can hear my mom blowing her nose and, this is the screen? It's millions of tiny lights being lit up in all sorts of different colors to make me see stuff. I can feel the rough tiny specks of hair on my face and my mullet hitting the bathrobe.
I am slowly exhaling and inhaling through the nose, my tongue is in its mewing posture and my elbows are starting to ache a bit. The chair just creaked, and I can hear the slow turning of my laptop's blades. I can hear seagulls outside. I am alive.
My mind is quiet. I am living in the present. This is presence. My mind for the past four years has never been this quiet. I get thoughts and I reject them. I hear some music from the overstimulation of my brain with youtube shorts, but I can shut it out.

 

Good morning

Good morning brother. Yesterday I had an enlightenment, and I feel as though I owe an reply. I am currently sitting at my desk with tea and it's 5:12 AM. I think I ascended beyond normal limits as in I understood, but not just understood, internalized the fact that we all have FULL control of our minds, even though as we might not feel like it. I of course read meditations, the daily stoic, a letters from a stoic, and many more books about stoicism, I knew of concept, but never TRULY understood it. Our mistake in this cycle was that we didn't understand that. We didn't understand that our minds are what WE MAKE OF IT. Our lives are what WE MAKE of it. As you sow, so shall you reap. In the book as a man thinketh, he author talks about how the human mind is like a garden. It is our job to take care of it, maintain it and get rid of the weeds. He likened the weeds to negative thoughts, they appear without us planting them, and they grow very quickly. We need to plant beautiful plants, POSITIVE thoughts and understand that we ARE the gardener.
Always remind yourself, you are in FULL CONTROL. Repeat this constantly throught the day. Whenever bad thoughts come into the mind lust, greed, wrath, sloth, glutton, take a deep breath, and strike them down. This is a message to all of you as it is to me.