Dealing Autogynephilia and TOCD

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Penninesandcheviots, May 28, 2020.

  1. Penninesandcheviots

    Penninesandcheviots Fapstronaut

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    After months and months of ruminating about whether or not my use of sissy porn meant I was gay, my HOCD morphed into TOCD. For some reason the idea of me being gay just really never sat right with me. I'm not attracted to men at all, just the concept of being fucked like a woman by them. I discovered the term Autogynephilia and this quickly set off trans OCD.

    A lot of the behaviours I did growing up which I thought were attributed to "Innocent experimentation" and fetishes acquired through puberty, like my erotic experiences cross dressing when I was 10 and 16-17, and my tendency to fantasise about being a woman sexually are now attributed to Autogynephilia, and could now be seen as early evidence that I am actually trans. It's terrifying, but I feel like there is just enough evidence there for it to be possible.

    For my entire life, I've been very comfortable being a man. I've always strove to try and be manlier, but since developing HOCD/TOCD my interests here are totally gone, I see my past attempts of becoming manlier now as suppression of my "true desires" and this is all because a few times I would think to myself "maybe when you get a full beard and a strong body these fantasies will stop". These thoughts were not my motivation for trying to become manlier, not at all but now I am convinced that they are. Can OCD do this? It's terrifying, I feel like I can't even trust my own memories.

    I also worry about losing my girlfriend, I love this woman. She is the kindest soul I know, we have so much in common but I keep telling myself that the only reason I'm not being honest to myself about "being" trans is because I don't want to upset her. Can OCD do this to you? I feel like i'm totally disconnected from reality.

    I really don't want to be trans, I don't want to be on drugs for the rest of my life, I don't want to go through all the trouble of having to "perform" femininely. And when I go for longish periods where I don't think about this, I feel comfortable with myself. But as soon as I get horny, and I remember one of the many times I got aroused at the thought of being a woman, I get full on panic attacks. It's totally impeding my progress at work, something has gotta give.

    How can I go about this? Has anyone got any similar experiences here?
     
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  2. pafon55

    pafon55 Fapstronaut

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    Howdy there, brother. Now I can tell you that OCD can do nasty things to you. I have OCD and I've gone to doctors, cause I thought I was dying, they told me I'm as fit as a bull, only for me to think that the goddamn doctor, and she was a specialist neurologist, was lying to me. So to answer your question of can OCD do this, the answer is yes-kinda. I'd guess we're talking about intrusive thoughts and those are darn nasty. Going back and analyzing your behaviour is also useless when dealing with HOCD (or as you'd called it TOCD). Memories are kinda useless when it comes to this type of thoughts. I'll give you an example. When I was like 12-ish I told this one dude that I am not afraid of sucking his dick. When I had my HOCD crisis I thought to myself FOR SURE I am gay if i've done that. But thinking about it now with a calm mind, I remember clearly that I felt literally nothing sexual at that moment, and I even remember thinking back them to myself : It's only skin, so what. I never did it anyway. You say you feel disconnected from reality. That is TEXTBOOK OCD. I'll tell you to do, what I tell all dudes with HOCD to do: Meditate and understand your mind. Stop judging your thoughts on a moral basis. Just try and be chill. You're not loosing your gf, you're not loosing anything. Just try and calm down, and you'll figure shit out.

    Check what I wrote about a year ago on the topic of HOCD. Hope you can find something useful there. Have a good one, my dude.


    https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/kill-your-hocd-my-dudes-long-post.232491/#post-2052016
     
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  3. growpotatoes

    growpotatoes Fapstronaut

    Hey Pennines, I have read a few of your posts in the past, and yes I have a similar experience.
    Except I don't have a girlfriend anymore, dumped her partly because I could not bear the shame of my feminizing fantasies, even though it didn't interfere with our time together and I've never talked about it.
    Yes we both have AGP I guess. And yes, combine that with OCD and you're in for big troubles.
    I also have severe issues with relationships, be it making friends or finding a partner. In the friendship area, my difficulties seem to connect a lot with AGP. I am generally shy to other men, especially those I consider manly. I feel inferior, insecure, crushed, without any control. Disturbing thoughts and images about myself start to fill my mind, making the interactions extremely uncomfortable. You can guess what's the nature of those thoughts and images... Such situations are a big trigger for my AGP and if I find myself alone at home after that, oh man I will have those massive urges, no way I'll escape.
    I hate myself, I hate that burden. It's destroying my life.
    I wish my AGP was just another kink, just like a foot fetish or whatever. But I'm obsessively ashamed about it, and it pervades almost every aspect of my life and like you it makes me wonder who I am, and sure I don't want to be a trans. Before puberty I've never had doubts about being a boy. And even now, I can experience peaceful times. Sometimes months without any AGP urges and feeling kind of OK with men etc.
     
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  4. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    Mate youre clearly conditioned. Youve conditioned your sexual reward circuit to respond to this type of crap. What do you think will happen after continuous reinforcement? You gotta stop pmo and allow your brain to starve all those destructive and artificial pathways created by that extreme porn. I have/had hocd aswell. I watched alot of gangbang videos over the years and my brain conditioned itself to whatever it saw on the screen. A girl and a bunch of dicks. Unfortunatly my brain responds to that crap but it isnt who i am nor is it a pleasurable response at all. It flashes scenarios and tries to convince me that i want to do all that crap in real life. Its a disgusting and conditioned response that completely disregards any real life consequences that all that shit would give me. Mental torture, self hatred, disgust. It goes on. You gotta stop giving those thoughts power and cut them off. Look up the article on YBOP "The more you scratch, The more you itch". It will explain why you have to avoid compulsively thinking about those scenarios and conditioned responses that you want to get rid of. Hell, you could wire your sexual response to a fucking chair if you conditioned it long enough. Quit pmo and rewire your brain back to pleasurable things and do your best to avoid dwelling over these pathways. The more you think about them, the more power you give it. You know deep down who you really are. And you don't want this. Good luck
     

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