After months and months of ruminating about whether or not my use of sissy porn meant I was gay, my HOCD morphed into TOCD. For some reason the idea of me being gay just really never sat right with me. I'm not attracted to men at all, just the concept of being fucked like a woman by them. I discovered the term Autogynephilia and this quickly set off trans OCD. A lot of the behaviours I did growing up which I thought were attributed to "Innocent experimentation" and fetishes acquired through puberty, like my erotic experiences cross dressing when I was 10 and 16-17, and my tendency to fantasise about being a woman sexually are now attributed to Autogynephilia, and could now be seen as early evidence that I am actually trans. It's terrifying, but I feel like there is just enough evidence there for it to be possible. For my entire life, I've been very comfortable being a man. I've always strove to try and be manlier, but since developing HOCD/TOCD my interests here are totally gone, I see my past attempts of becoming manlier now as suppression of my "true desires" and this is all because a few times I would think to myself "maybe when you get a full beard and a strong body these fantasies will stop". These thoughts were not my motivation for trying to become manlier, not at all but now I am convinced that they are. Can OCD do this? It's terrifying, I feel like I can't even trust my own memories. I also worry about losing my girlfriend, I love this woman. She is the kindest soul I know, we have so much in common but I keep telling myself that the only reason I'm not being honest to myself about "being" trans is because I don't want to upset her. Can OCD do this to you? I feel like i'm totally disconnected from reality. I really don't want to be trans, I don't want to be on drugs for the rest of my life, I don't want to go through all the trouble of having to "perform" femininely. And when I go for longish periods where I don't think about this, I feel comfortable with myself. But as soon as I get horny, and I remember one of the many times I got aroused at the thought of being a woman, I get full on panic attacks. It's totally impeding my progress at work, something has gotta give. How can I go about this? Has anyone got any similar experiences here?