Done and dusted for him but not for me.

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Darkligh, Jun 12, 2018.

  1. Darkligh

    Darkligh Fapstronaut

    Hi All,
    I'm not sure if it's okay to write here because we broked up year ago and I'm not 100 % sure he was /is addicted to porn or not.
    If it's not okay writing here please let me know.

    At this stage I would like to apologies for bad grammar, interpunction and spelling. English isn't my first language.

    We are not together for so long and like in the title it's all done and dusted for him but not for me. Maybe because I didn't get all the answers I needed. I'm still very confused about why it all happened , the way it ended. Or maybe like my ex told me I'm crazy and overreacting.

    I'm not new to this forum.I found you year ago.Since that I'm here on daily basis.
    I follow your posts and journals.I didn't post much but I lerned a lot from you and this forum in general . You are ALL amazing and unbelievable strong in your battles for love.
    Unfortunately I'm not like you. It's over 1 year from the DDAY and over 1 year from the day we broked up but still I can't pull my shite back together and move on.
    I made some progress but I'm very very far from recovery yet. It feels like all this happened just yesterday. Endless nightmare.
    I have no support from friends. I have nobody to talk.I'm on disability allowance due to PTSD ,adjustment disorder , depression.I was hospitalised twice last year .I'm on strong meds .It helps keep me away from hospital alright but can't save me from my pain.
    So if you are fine with me writing here I will continue. Please let me know.
  2. Welcome! or Welcome back!

    From my view, you are a recovering SO and are welcome here. I hope you find the support you need and deserve here.

    Your post brings up an interesting point: the problem and the pain doesn't end when we end our relationships. The trauma may have happened inside of the relationship but it is its own thing and requires its own healing.

    I know it is hard to find real friends who are close enough to talk to about this. Have you considered a support group? My closest friends today are people I originally met in support groups.

    You are not alone and you don't have to take any steps in the healing process alone. I am glad you are reaching out here.

    Peace to you,
  3. Darkligh

    Darkligh Fapstronaut

    Quinn, thank you very very much for your reply and encouragement.
    My friends expressed some sympathy when we broked up, but they couldn't understand or want to understand why I reacted in such a extremely way to something that small, common and unimportant like love of my life watching porn. Thy couldn't understand why I'm making such a big deal.
    Unfortunately there is no supporting groups for people with betrayal trauma in the country I live (West Europe ).Health system is a joke here anyway. I have meetings with psychiatrist on the regular basis but waiting to see psychologist for more than 6 months. Can't afford private.
    Trappist likes this.
  4. Hi @Darkligh

    I think what your friends fail to understand is the problem is the lying and the hiding. There are those for whom porn isn't a big deal. And that's fine for them. But having a DDay _is_ a big deal. Because, if the use were no big deal, it wouldn't have been hidden. If you expect that your partner is not doing it and he warrants to you that he is not, but then turns out he is, that is a big deal and a reason to break up with someone.

    Also, true friends don't dismiss your feelings, even when they don't agree with them. They validate them as true for you.

    You will find a lot of support here. I'm sure many SO's will jump into this thread in the next 24 hours. :)

  5. I can understand you not feeling that things were resolved or addressed properly for you to move forward. You need to be able to process this betrayal trauma so you can get better and have a happy healthy future. I wish you the best in your recovery.
    hope4healing and Darkligh like this.
  6. I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Betrayal trauma is really ugly, and it takes a long time to work through. But, it sounds like you're doing the right things...meeting with a psychiatrist and coming here for support. Is there a person you could talk to at church, maybe? Or, a family member? It's so difficult when you feel alone in this. Keep coming back here, and it is absolutely ok for you to write a journal here. You don't have to be in a relationship to get support. We're all here to help each other.
    Darkligh likes this.
  7. Darkligh

    Darkligh Fapstronaut

    My ex insisted that he is not a PA.(Till today I'm not 100 %sure he was or he wasn't)Anyway he had ED, DE and Death Grip. His eyes were always closed.He blamed stress, his age and etc. I believed him. I never suspectd porn is a reason.We are not together since the end of May 2017.We broked up 2 months after DDay.
    We were together 2 and half years.
    He was my everything. I trusted him. I made life changing decisions because of us.I putted my life in his hands. I was so in love and loved him truly. I let him be a member of my family.
    I believe whothever he said. He MADE me believe he is THIS SPECIAL GUY with morals and ethics. Fucking Unicorn! He was sending me handwritten love letters then beautiful text messages and emails. He complemented me all the times. It was about how hot / beautiful I'm, how inteligent and funny and how I care about people . Just like heaven.
    He made me believe that I'm the "only one girl in the world ." He putted me on pedestal(He didn't need b/c I'm very self aware. I felt so relaxed around him with make up or without. Dressed up or in my pyjamas he was repeating himself how super Sexy I'm and he has full package "body and soul "
    He introduced me to the Irish band and we played it song "We don't need anybody else " over and over.
    DDAY for me was like the end of the fucking world. I couldn’t believe. I couldn’t and still can't proceed why he was telling all of this sweet bullshit(I didn't even ask for ). Why he lied to me? Why he was fapping to the other women when I was even" more than enough " for him? He insisted he is not a PA and it's nothing to do with me. Sure it wasn’t about me! It was all about fucking porn stars !
    But why he did it to me?
    Why he made me believe in "Body and Soul " crap ?
    I can understand that PA is an illness and it has nothing to do with how atracctive or not SO is.
    But he insisted that he is not a PA! So why he needed wank to the porn when I was almost all the time available? Despite his DE ,ED and Death Grip I always wanted him. I always wanted to be close in sexual and not sexual way with my special, solid man with my everything.
    I'm crying now and I have to stop writing .
    It's over the year now but I didn't make any progress. I even can't express myself in this journal. I'm hopeless case.
    freeit likes this.
  8. I think denial is very common for PA. He may not even realise himself that he has a problem with it.. lots of men on here talk about how they believed they could stop any time. They are deceived and your SO may not have had any idea as to the extent of the problem. Not defending him at all, but I do believe it’s entirely possible that he genuinely loved you. My SO talked about how P and me were too totally separate things. And none of my friends understood either. They all told me to leave. Are you still in touch with your ex? Can you get some closure from him now that a year has passed?

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