Don't know what to do

Hey pal, I'm very sorry you are going through all of this, I can not imagine the pain you are in. I don't know if I can give you any advice, the only thing that comes to my mind is couple's therapy, maybe that will help you both. Also, I understand that you don't want to talk to someone about it, but I think that doing it will give you some prospective by someone you trust.
I think that honesty is one of the pillars of a relationship. If he does not tell you the truth, everything can fall down. I believe that people can change, and you are doing the best you can to save the relationship, but is he doing his best? Also, if he says he wants to kill himself, you should really talk to someone else (and he should too). If he is serious, then he must get all the professional help possible. But be sure that he is not saying it just to manipulate you.
I hope everything will work out for the best. You deserve to be happy. Be strong, I know you will figure everything out!

 

Oh no, this is such a horrible decision to make, whatever you decide you might still feel that the other option was better.
Judging from your description, he is a addict, he on a conscious level wants to stay with you and doesn't want to cheat you, but he keeps falling back because of habit loop or maybe because of withdrawal pangs. But since I don't know him, it might also be the case that he is just using you and doesn't really wants to stay with a single women. In this case just leave him. You know him better, and only you can decide whether you want to stay with him or not, and even if he is really a addict and is falling back because of withdrawal pangs then he does require your support because he is fighting this addiction not only for himself but also because of you, and if you leave him in this darkness, he might loose all his hopes, but still it's your choice, you are completely free to leave him, don't think that it's bad to leave him in such conditions, you can still be his friend and help him in all possible ways and if he is true to himself he will come out of this addiction even without your support. After all, you can't do justice with everyone. Only help someone to the extend where it doesn't harms you. And if you doesn't feel that he is the right person for you, then stop trying to change him and simply leave him and find someone who is already the way you want your life partner to be.

 

If he didn’t get into recovery after you split up, it’s highly doubtful he will get into recovery while with you. Usually, rock bottom, ie losing you, would be the push to face his addiction and get into recovery. You think it’s hard now? Imagine being married 10 years with young kids. Trust your gut, if you don’t think he’s telling you the truth then he’s not. Get counseling for yourself! Not couples counseling, this isn’t a couples problem, he’s an addict. It’s an addiction problem. Get in to see a csat if possible. Of course he doesn’t want to hurt you, most don’t. He might want to do what’s right for you but so far he hasn’t. They all want to quit and do what’s right and yet most don’t. What steps has he taken on his own to get into long term recovery? Counseling? 12 step groups? Accountability partners? Educating himself on porn addiction and triggers? Giving up a job if tech related? Giving up computers and iPhones? These are all things people in recovery actually do. What have you seen him do? Not say. What work has he done? Has he changed? Has his life changed? That’s when you know they are serious. You can’t trust what they say..

 

I agree with all of this.
When I first found out about my husbands addiction it was nearly 3 years ago. He promised he would quit and he wanted our marriage to work. However, he did not do the things he was supposed to do and the lies continued through the years. It was not until he relapsed in August of last year that he decided to make the change on his own. If he is doing it for your sake, he will not succeed. He has to be doing it for himself, he has to see that there is a problem with it for himself before he will fully commit to recovery. Even though my husband was 'clean' for a few years before he relapsed, he wasn't in recovery. He only kept away from P to appease me, but indulged in P-subs through that time.

 

Being in recovery means actively working to rewire the mind and abstain from behaviors that lead to the high that is felt with this addiction. This addiction is very much like a drug addiction, as structural changes occur in the brain and they experience tolerance and withdrawals in the way a drug addict would.
When my husband was 'clean' he only avoided P. He didn't avoid triggers, and he didn't avoid P-subs. He didn't MO during those years but a deep resentment towards me developed because "I took away his drug of choice". He didn't see the benefit of giving it up other than it made me feel better that he didn't engage in it. This was also something he had to come to terms with in his recovery.
Addictions are generally a symptom of a bigger problem that needs to be addressed as well. Finding out what led up to the addiction and learning new coping mechanisms will help subvert the urges and potential relapses in the future. It is a long process to take on, not just for the addict, but also for the SO.
In my case I found out my husband was narcissistic in personality. Addiction can bring on a level of narcissism that can clear up after a few years in full recovery. My husbands narcissism is why it is still hard to build trust with him. He still does not consider how his actions will impact me, and still lies to me about stuff. One of the reasons is due to a distorted image he has of me in his head where I'm still a villain in some way.
Every husband is different though, and recovery doesn't happen the same for everyone. I know of a few SO's that were able to rebuild that trust after a few years of their husbands being in full recovery, so it is possible.
I would advise you yourself seek therapy as well for betrayal trauma. It is a form of PTSD and will reek havoc on your mind and body the longer you go through this with him. Even if you decide not to stay with him, I would still seek therapy for it so it doesn't create problems in the future for you. This is a very painful experience for an SO to go through so we need to make ourselves and our healing a priority as well.

 

If you have any questions about the research, let me know. I will help you to understand it further if you get stuck or anything. I hope you're able to heal as well.

 

Lol, no. I don’t trust him. Because as well as he’s done in recovery he spent years destroying any trust I had. Now, let me explain, I discovered his porn habit on June 18th 1997. Wednesday afternoon, standing in my laundry room. We had been married 5 years, together 10. I decided them and there I was done. Called 3 attorneys to start divorce proceedings while he was at work. Told him 2 hours later. He literally got on his hands and knees sobbing that he would do anything if I would give him a chance. So I did. After all, who divorces over porn? Right? 3 years of weekly couples counseling we start doing much better, he’s sober but nothing recovery because at that time it was not known or treated as an addiction. I get pregnant on the pill. He starts using again about a year later. I only know now because now I know the signs. That first time it took me 3 full years to trust him. Second discovery day I was pregnant with our 2nd child. I knew then he wasnt going to change, but now I had 2 very young children. So I stayed. I decided when my youngest is old enough, I will leave him. Except for for his selfishness( common with addiction) my husband is a good guy. Highly successful in his job. I trust him with my life. Just don’t trust him with his addiction. He would die for me, no doubt, but he can’t give up his addiction. I think dying for me would be easier for him, lol. Once we realized it was an actual addiction he started going to sa group meetings 3x a week, counseling 2x a month, got rid of computer and changed his job. Has since retired early as he felt it was still detrimental with the amount of stress. Blockers on all devises he might have access to. Sat down and told our kids( they are older). He’s been in active recovery for 2 years solid. Has not slacked on any recovery work at all. He has completed changes who he is and his life. I still do not think I will ever trust him again. But, I never want to even be in another relationship, because I don’t think I’d ever really trust any man except my father. It really depends on you. If my husband had gotten into recovery and stayed there after the very first time, then yes I would’ve trusted him. But 28 years later, no, I won’t ever fully trust him, of that I’m sure. I do however trust my gut now. Took me 25+ years to learn that!

 

He is probably not going to change.

You are probably not, relationships are build in trust. Yours to him is wasted... you are never going to trust in him fully.

Now you know how he really is, now you need to make a decition, is this addiction a deal breaker or not? if it is dump him and look for a guy without this issues. If not then let him be... le him deal with this stuff if he want to and be ok with the outcome.

For me it would be a deal breaker, it may not be physicall cheating but exchaging hot pictures with other woman is cheating for me and totally wrong in a monogamous relationship.. he would be history rigth in that moment.. why? cheaters.. are cheaters.. if you take him back after what he did he is going to assume that cheating on you have no consecuences.. so he is probably going to do it again when things are not that great with you. He disrespected you, probably hace low respect for you to do that to you.. he no longer deserve you. You deserve a man that have integrity like you have. Don't settle for this crap.. don't let him slide this under the rug making it seems like it was nothing and you shoud let it go.