ED associated with sexual perversion

Hello there! I'm 23 years old, well built, a virgin still but mentally unhealthy I would say! I couldn't be sexually aroused fully just by visual stimulation alone (porn). Along with porn I am able to make my penis erect only by physical stimulation (stroking, caressing) but it doesn't last for long. Once the stimulus is removed, so is the erection!

I am not exactly sure if I belong here, as the title of the thread suggests. From all the thread posts I came across to here, most of "us" are suffering mostly from porn-induced type of ED. That's the very main reason I'm writing and sharing my situation, because I some sort feel like I do have PIED, or I may have ED due to other reasons.

To elaborate further, I'm suffering from some sort of sexual perversion for a long time. And when I said this many people don't understand because I've never actually share this with anyone. So I hope I can share this to give anyone who read this an insight of my journey of sexual perversion that escalated to mental depression and social anxiety, and after that, a few recent events that lead me here to write this post.
(P/S: I hope people don't get the wrong idea that this thread is some sort of erotica. This is my true life experience. Hence please approach this post with an open mind without judging)

I don't remember how it started, but from the earliest vivid event I can recall, it all started back in high school when I was 16. Back then I was in a healthy relationship with my first ex-gf, but only get to second base at most. We approached such physical intimacy very positively. We made out, basically did everything except the penetration because she was scared. Nothing was abnormal to my mind. I treat girls with respect, never had any unusual fantasy or ill intention towards females like what was portrayed in porn. And to backtrack a little, I was exposed to porn and masturbation at the age of 14. I don't think I need to explain too much on that, pretty sure it's more or less the same for everyone.

It all began one day at high school. Long story short, by chance, I touched my Biology teacher's boob WITHOUT HER KNOWING! (She is a muslims in her 20's that time, and I put my hand underneath her head scarf and cupped her breast without her knowing). It felt good of course, but it's the adrenaline rush to my head that thrilled me. I actually thought I'm just being mischievous and it would just end there. And guess how wrong I was to think so!

I guess it's from that moment all these escalated. I would do all it takes to relive that moment, but I don't have much recollection of similar events back in high school. Fast forward to college. My next perverted encounter was in a bus from my hometown to the city where my college was situated. There was this girl sleeping next to me, and I got tempted to touch her. I would be very careful while groping her without waking her up, and I would act like I was asleep when I got carried away and woke her up. Since then, a new fetish arised: A fetish to grope woman's boobs when they're asleep. And as you may have guessed, those are the keywords I would type in the porn websites. I would just fap away to videos of creepy guys groping woman sleeping in public, and I guess that was the only thing that turned me on at the moment. I had had a few groping experiences following that incident, and escaped without getting caught.

By then I was 19. And things get from bad to worse. From touching strangers, my balls grew bigger and I would touch my female friends too, during camps and class trips. It was so bad, I was losing control over myself. I would jumped at any opportunity to carry out the perverted act, even to my best friend (A) who had a crush on me. During that one attempt A actually caught me in the act, and confronted me the next morning with tears in her eyes. I was so ashamed of myself, and have no idea how to face her. She forgave me, but deep inside I wished I'd never let that happened..

But the remorse was short lived. After college I went to a medical school which is far from A. I am in this new community with this different group of people, mainly girls with only 3 guys including me. The girls I would say, weren't that sexually attractive. But I just went loose. I don't know who I am anymore. At this point anyone will do as long as I can fulfill my desire. And there's this particular girl (B), skinny, flat chest, but with a really perky ass. One random encounter with a slight graze through her butt, my new fetish evolved again. Somehow I had developed new desire for ass, and have zero interest in boobs anymore. The experience were almost the same with my previous fetish with boobs, I would do anything to get close to her and feel up close in crowded place without her knowing. And yes, without surprise, I got red handed too! Words spread among the girls, and my name is tainted. B forgave me eventually, we do still talk sometimes.

But I've not talked to most of the girls from the group. I distanced myself too, becoming very self conscious, and living in fear that people outside this group of people would know and judge me for my perverted attitude. I started having anxiety. I tend to overthink of all the worst possible scenarios, like her parents confronting me, or the school received complaints and I got dismissed and scholarship revoked. All these thoughts piled up in my head, and I have trouble sleeping every night that I need to see a psychiatrist and was on anxiolytic medications. Every phone call, every knock on the door gave me jitters. I felt miserable. It was the darkest moment of my life.

Amidst of these ongoing events, especially after any sexually perverted encounter I had in the day, I would reward myself with porn and jerking it off to make my day. As I became more daring, the frequency of it increases. And especially during the anxiety + depression period, the only thing to make myself feel better is porn and fapping away. After some time, things get better. I tried to overcome this perversion with any possible methods I can think of. Aversion works best for me. I will distance myself from the situations that is "ideal" for me to commit the crime. As I'm slowly getting through it, I still lived the days PMO once every 1-2 days, without realising that it would be a huge problem to me since I have had worse issues in hand to handle with.

So now for me the perversion problem got better, and I thought life would be better ever since! I started using Tinder to meet woman, to try to approach woman with a positive healthy approach without any ill intention. And partly it's because I was so horny and I want to release all this sexual energy in me and lose my virginity! Simply put, I want to get laid that's it!

I got to meet this woman (C) on Tinder. She seemed to like me a lot, telling me I look cute and asked for my phone number and Instagram account. I was taken aback, because it'd been a while since a girl approach me strongly like that. We had a few wonderful conversations. I told her that I'm a virgin and would like to lose my virginity, and she happily agreed to it. I invited her to my apartment one day. At first I was so nervous because I'd never talked or looked at a girl in the eyes for a really long time. I was behaving really awkwardly, and at some point I kinda made her feel uncomfortable. But after talking for an hour or so we both started to get comfortable for each other, then slowly we started kissing and went all over each other.

And I had the shock of my life. My dick was not responding at all! I got panicked like hell. Despite all the making out and caressing her entire body, still nothing! My dick was still lying lifelessly there without giving a damn of anything. C told me beforehand that she doesn't do handjob, but I thought it wouldn't be an issue. I got really nervous about it. The anxiety gets worse with her lying there naked, waiting for me to be ready for the real act. I got really ashamed. My ego was ripped in tatters. I couldn't even look at her in the eyes. Eventually I told her I can't do it. But she was really sweet and told me she's willing to try again some other day, whenever I'm ready!

So since then my anxiety is piling up again. I started actually noticing little stuffs about my dick. I tried experimenting on it by not touching my dick while watching porn, see if there would be any arousal. And guess what, NOTHING! I'm not aroused at all, and need to do stroke it to make myself hard. And I guess it wasn't a recent event. I'd been so overwhelmed with my perversion that I'm oblivious to the signs of ED. I never actually realised that I can't be aroused with porn alone. I feel like life is throwing pile of shit at me, one at a time.

So back to the subject, currently I have this confusion, what actually causes my ED? Is it due to the perversion, anxiety and depression I had, or it's just porn the devil who is behind it? I've read many success nofap stories of people here, but all those are due to PIED. Even if my ED is not because of porn, will I get better if I abstain myself from PMO as well?

I'm currently on my 3rd day of nofap. Been busy preparing for exams, so i think it's a good time to start. Anyway, I would love to hear any advice from anyone who actually had similar experience like this too, for which I mean the perversion as well. I'm not trying to say that sexual perversion is common and normal. But it's really hard, because so far I've not seen anyone sharing any similar experience like I had, so I assume that I'm the only abnormal one with sexual perversion here. I wish there is someone who can share his similar experience as well, totally know what it feels like, and how to get through this! Lastly, thanks for sparing your time reading this post! I'm glad to be part of this, knowing that I'm not alone too. I wished I would have know about this site earlier! Let's work hard and help each other! Fighting!