Ended 3 year relationship today (super long, possible triggers)

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by CMarie102, Jun 4, 2019.

  1. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

    Wow, I must say I'm in awe of how cool and composed (and protective of your children) you are. It was such a terrible read and I felt tears streaming down my face. My heart goes out to you, it was like reliving my almost identical story. Like always in these situations, I wish I had really good advice to give. Fortunately, there are a lot of knowledgeable people on this site. Your boyfriend seems to be very deep in denial, I don't know if it's his age or his pride or his addiction, or an unfortunate combination of all these factors, but he is on the way to loose it all and I hope for a miracle that he realises that. All the best to you.
    FollowYourBeard and CMarie102 like this.
  2. Tafi

    Tafi Fapstronaut


    I was one before
  3. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your kind words and I'm so sorry you've experienced something similar. That relationship took a lot out of me, and I feel I've lost some parts of myself that will be difficult to get back.

    Surprisingly, I felt very little emotion writing my story and haven't cried at all about the breakup. Maybe that will come later, but right now I feel kind of like an emotional zombie.

    I also hope he decides to make some major changes and get help before he loses everything. He on a leave of absence from his job due to stress (which he blamed me for exacerbating), he's lost his relationship, but I still don't think that's his rock bottom.
  4. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Don't be shy about using that little "Ignore" button. One simple click and all the foolishness just disappears! :)
  5. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

    Thank you! I had no idea.
    Tao Jones likes this.
  6. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    Tao Jones you are ABSOLUTELY 100% correct. Thumbs up to you.
  7. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    Research before you post Tafi this

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    • Catherine Parr 1512-1548. She was an English queen.
    • Anne Askew 1521-1546. She was an important English Protestant. ...
    • Elizabeth 1 1533-1603. ...
    • Bess of Hardwick 1527-1608. ...
    • Catherine Parr 1512-1548. ...
    • Mary Tudor 1516-1558. ...
    Tafi likes this.
  8. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Yes, best advice all day!
  9. @CMarie102 I'm so sorry to read your story. But I guess you know you are far from alone - The positive is you know and that gives you power, you sound pretty smart - and definitely you have more strength than you know.

    Also you're normal - think you called yourself foolish, you're NOT - a normal person would not expect a partner to have a porn addiction ( most people still don't know it even exists). Furthermore a child porn problem even if animation is even less what we would expect - we know paedophilia is out there ( but we keep it away from our reality - cause we have to function and keep ourselves and children safe).
    To find it's much closer than we thought is utterly devasting to our core and traumatizing- but eventually you will heal and be a stronger awesome lady - proud of yourself for overcoming this.

    You're right, you don't know if there's more to this - often it's the tip of an iceberg. Sadly you're spot on sometimes we are selected as partners for reasons other than love trust, respect and wanting to share a life. A person who is ill, and has more sinister motives covers it well ( at first at least) and you wouldn't spot it if you've never experienced it before - so don't feel bad or foolish you didn't. It is 100% their problem.

    It's difficult not to care if you love someone - but ultimately he is where he is, doing what he's doing for his own reasons - and he appears to be choosing to continue so let him.
    Yes ultimately he may end up in prison, he may end up committing suicide - that is the absolute hard reality of this that nobody wants to talk about or face - but that is his journey and we can't control somebody else's journey at all. We can't save anybody but ourselves - it's a hard lesson to learn if you're a caring person.

    Controlling our own journey is difficult enough sometimes - as is deciding to let go.

    Your only need is to keep yourself and your children as safe as you can. This is gonna get better.
    Don't think there's a mountain of fantastic men out there - but statistically you can do better and you will.

    Sending you a massive hug, a lady high five and lots of good things.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 5, 2019
    CMarie102 and Lilla_My like this.
  10. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

    Thank you! Reading that I have permission to let him make his own choices and not feeling responsible for them makes me feel a lot lighter. I think it's what I needed to hear, so thank you.

    He has a sister 6 years younger and 2 female cousins about the same age that can't stand him. Like, when he tries to hug his sister, she gets angry, which I always thought was really weird, but he said she's always been that way....but it's just with him...and he said his cousins are just jerks. Now I really, really wonder.

    I guess, while his outcome does worry me, I'm more worried about him hurting someone else. There's not enough here to accuse him of that, but it would be devastating to find out if that happens, with me knowing it was possible but not trying to preventing it.

    Still, you're right that controlling even our own journey is difficult enough, and I have 3 other little journies to help guide and shape.

    It's complicated, but thank you again. I'll be rereading your words a lot, I'm sure.
  11. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    I suppose if you are really worried about it you could alert the authorities and leave it at that. There really isn't anything else you can do. But it isn't your job, you can't save the world. You just do the best you can. Nothing may happen, or it may 'scare him straight'. Who knows. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
    hope4healing, Nugget9 and CMarie102 like this.
  12. You're welcome.
    No you can't control his outcome - sad as it may be. Worrying about it is to be expected because you care. The bigger picture is protecting yourself and others - you already understand this well.

    My story - my ex looked after under 18's. I saw this as a great risk - reported what I knew to his employer and he was investigated and lost his job, and everything he had with it. I also talked to the police but reality they have bigger fish to fry - there was no 'offence' to investigate - and no child porn that I know of.
    No it's not possible to leave a note of caution on his record to protect people. life doesn't work like that.
    Child porn however is monitored and he will be picked up by the authorities eventually if it continues to esculate.

    I didn't tell his family - he lied about how he lost his job. I didn't tell them the truth because it would leave him nowhere to go.
    Would me taking his family away lead to a better outcome - i think not.
    Fast forward 6 years last I heard - he had moved to Eastern europe to teach again - He has not stopped - and may never.
    I'm just glad that he is nowhere near me - that I was strong enough to do the right thing.

    If your SO works with children I would consider telling his employer - if he doesn't consider letting life proceed as it will.
    If there are young children in his family - whether to tell anyone is a very big decision. with big consequences for everyone. You may find they know already if relationships are difficult and your instincts have picked this up.

    Certainly the easiest thing is put all your energy into you and your little ones.
    You can in someway protect yourself in future by finding a man who has healthy relationships with females and children. Ideally a man who looks after his own children with love and care. If you see that it is unlikely they would ever look at child porn - it repells most men and addicts too.

    I'm no expert. There is some research to suggest paedophilia is genetic, some suggest here it can be escalation of porn addiction too. The truth maybe somewhere in the middle.
    I just know I need to make my life as safe and happy as I can - as far away from that stuff as I can.

    It's a massive shock, be gentle with yourself. This is a great site it's helped me too. :) Guess we all help each other - and that's a great thing :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 5, 2019
  13. de severn

    de severn Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I’m glad you broke up with that guy. All that loli shit is a huge child porn sub. I pity him for being an addict but I don’t feel sorry for him for liking it.
    CMarie102 and captainteemo like this.
  14. CMarie102

    CMarie102 Fapstronaut

    Yeah, after seeing what I saw, I don't think he could make the argument that the thought of... ugh I can't even type it out...the thought of children in that way doesn't turn him on. And if he argued that, I'd never believe him anyway. It was very graphic and they were very young.
  15. captainteemo

    captainteemo Fapstronaut

    It is crazy how porn can rewire a persons brain and destroy relationships. A change has to come from the person self and he clearly is in denial. It is not worth it to pursue you life with this guy anymore and good that you ended the relationship. Best of luck.
    CMarie102 likes this.
  16. Teens use it ALOT. It's like snapchat sort of from my understanding. A chat text server that also has forums and groups. Sort of like airG. Not sure how exactly kik works but it can pair you with people with the same interests and stuff.
    CMarie102 likes this.
  17. I wish it was a better outcome and send prayers and best wishes to you
    CMarie102 and fadedfidelity like this.
  18. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    I just wanted to say....

    YOU DID THE BEST THING!!!! SMART WOMAN and GREAT MOM!!! Good for you!!
    CMarie102 and Lostneverland like this.
  19. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

    Go girl. Don’t allow yourself to be victim-blamed. You’re not any less intelligent because someone did something(s!) wrong to you.
    CMarie102 and Lostneverland like this.
  20. John Oldman

    John Oldman Fapstronaut

    You did the best thing! We all have to learn to defend ourself, men and women alike, but especially women to whom society have told for centuries that they are "weak" and other stupid term meant to control them. You are strong, you know what's best for you and for your children. You made the right call!

    You tried multiple times to reason with him, he choose to lie to you (and to himself) and refused to work on his addiction. His loss.
    You don't have to live with someone in that mental condition, especially if he continually blinds himself to the truth.
    Just imagining one of your children finding out what's on his computer scares me. You've made the right decision!

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