Enough is Enough!

At the age of 8 I would go to bed and did what I called them "my exercises", it involved getting under the covers on my tummy and basically humping my mattress until I felt calm. I didn't know what it meant then but I knew it made me happy and sleepy.

When I was 12 I discovered my Dad's porn collection, my eyes nearly popped out of my head at what I saw two humans (sometimes three) doing together. My heart was racing, I knew I shouldn't be looking at it but I was hooked! It was almost like a car accident, you just can't look away. I remember the thrill of being caught, I was doing something dangerous for the first time in my life and the adrenaline was an incredible feeling and I wanted more!

For the rest of my teen years as my body went through changes and I had severe acne, I knew girls weren't interested in me but I also knew that I would get an incredible high if I could get into my Dad's porn collection. I used to eagerly anticipate whenever I was left home alone because that was my time to strike. I had to remember to rewind the video tape to where I found it and I learnt then to cover my tracks. The deeper I would dig the more extreme things I would see, at the age of 14 I had already seen european content and despite being shocked, I wasn't in a rush to put it away either, porn was porn to me, my teenage brain didn't give me the message of "ok that's about your limit, go do something else now come back when you are a mature adult".

Fast forward to my 20's, a miserable time in my life financially, socially and I was incredibly bored and lonely which left with me with my old friend porn. Of course living by myself at the time I had it at my finger tips (literally) 24/7. Every morning before work I would watch it and masturbate, every evening after work again and just before bed again and that was just during the working week. On weekends I would live like a hermit and just never take my hand off it! I remember the odd occasion when I was away from home (on holiday) and I had trouble sleeping, I was tossing and turning and I knew I just needed a wank! I would get erect at many times during the day and I just wanted a visual so that I could jerk off and feel calm again.

Now I am in my early 40's, I don't seek out new porn every day like I used to but I do need to masturbate every night in order to help me settle off to sleep. I am married and have kids now and I often cry out of guilt on how many good years I have wasted on this addiction (wow, that's the first time I have labelled it). I am really tired, tired of the same daily grind but I can't let it continue to beat me. I have 300gb worth of porn on my computer, it's there for me. I don't know how I can go through the rest of my life not watching it or not being a regular masturbator. I get so hard so easy and it hasn't helped my thoughts on women, I perv on them every day and wonder what they could do in the bed, I lust after them and I know it's not right, they are humans not sex objects but my brain clouds this reality.

Anyway that's my story, thanks for your time.