Fear of girls

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by FirstBorn93, Jun 8, 2019.

  1. FirstBorn93

    FirstBorn93 Fapstronaut

    Girls , girls , girls... for many of us they are a huge issue in life and a desire at the same time.
    Since i was a kid i was pretty shy , although im a great listener and people easily open to me which made girls talk to me a lot but i never had the courage to ask them out or show my interest in them.
    I consider myself as a good looking guy , groomed and in shape and im happy with my looks.
    The issue is inexperience and a lack of confidence as im sure a lot of you are having the same problem.
    Throughout life i had many girls talk to me in clubs , bars , on the street and clearly displaying interest in me and wanting me to make a move , but i never did.
    Everytime that happened i just got more shy and kind of awkward and basically froze.
    The fear of hitting on girls started at a certain age and the fact that i didn't act up on it made me even more afraid and it became worse with time.
    It's very hard for me to hit on girls , when i do im super awkward and i overthink what im saying or how im acting and its a mess.
    When girls hit on me its the same , so it again throws them off.
    Im only 25 , im not old but still sucks that up to this point because of my fear i haven't had a girlfriend or any sexual or intimiate relationships (i had sex but they were prostitues and the only 2 girls i sort of "dated" cut off any ties with me less than a month because it doesnt work out).
    Today i was with 2 friends of mine , both of them are very good with girls.
    One of them knew a girl and she came with 2 friends so we were 3 guys and 3 girls , perfect!
    1 guy was with the girl he knew before so that left me and my friend with the 2 girls.
    He's already experienced and frankly having lots of sex and girls , he was talking smoothly and making them laugh and getting all the attention while i was at the side overthinking not knowing what to say or how to act and feeling awkward and then i thought they can probably tell im awkward and it just got worse lol.
    They left pretty quick , he got a number and i didn't.
    I don't hate on him or blame him for once second , it makes sense that he will get attention if he's talking , cracking jokes and actually making something happen.
    How do i snap out of it? I had a few times (about 2-3) in my life where i was in the "zone" and i was acting and talking so smooth with girls that it felt so easy and they absolutely loved me.
    How do i just let myself go and be in the moment? stop the overthinking and awkwardness?
  2. can you give me advice how to be a good listener, anyways I cant help you because I am in the exact situation except I am nota goo listener, but still if you have any tips ?
  3. Hi,

    I would describe myself similar as you except that girls didn't hit on me that much on their own.
    I know this sounds like the typical advice, but it really works: Practice! You have to try!

    For your very own situation (freezing and stuff): try to get calm. Take a mindful breath when a situation like this arrives.

    What helped me alot is to not have any expactations at the beginning. Don't try to go to a club to talk to some girls and get a number/kiss/onenightstand, talk to a girl with the only intention to talk. That helped me get stress off of me, as it didn't matter anymore if something goes wrong. I only wanted to talk anyway.
  4. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    I'll be direct, but don't take it as judgement, rather as an analysis.

    Shyness is anxiety, in this case fear of rejection, combined with low self-esteem. You are afraid that those girls you like may not like you back for who you are.

    I was and still am in the same boat, at 37, only having discovered what shyness is recently and trying to overcome it. Though it can make you look cute as a child, as adult it makes you look extremely insecure; that's because you are insecure.

    You don't really appreciate yourself, what you can do and what you can achieve. As example, being relaxed around girls and being comfortable to make conversation to get a number. Your shyness began very likely in childhood and very likely because of one of your care takers (mom, dad) that either had provided very little encouragement, but a lot of criticism - leading to low self esteem -, or that did not allow you to take control over specific aspects of your life in childhood, thus you now feel out of control under some circumstances - leading to anxiety/shyness.

    In my case, I know I cannot ever live up to my dad's expectations. Every failing I had was to be expected, any success I had was a matter of normality, pick up your trophy and move on; I now have very low self-esteem because of it. Additionally, I have had very little control over my childhood (likes and dislikes were imposed, dad insisted on having control in an inconsistent way), so not knowing what's going to happen in the near future led me to a state of constant anxiety.

    I don't know about your childhood, though, so I'm not going to make assumptions.

    Fixing shyness starts with your image about yourself. Learning to trust yourself through discipline (wake up at the same time, develop sleep routine, learn to cook and eat healthy) will definitely increase your self-esteem, will improve the image you have about yourself; you will trust yourself to be able to be in control of your life. And this will then show outwards through your behaviour to others.

    You'll then want to address the anxiety and the negative emotions that currently prevent you to be fully present, that make you overthink. I wrote in the "Loneliness" forum, a primer on how to deal with negative emotions, that I would recommend: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/a-primer-on-dealing-with-negative-emotions.235876/

    Let me know your thoughts! :)
  5. wow.. You just described how I feel.. The shyness, the parents, the failure and the success

    so I'm not gonna repeat my friend over here.. But I agree with him..a practical advice that I give you is maybe for some time to avoid to go out with these friends and girls bc until you overcome at least overthinking be together with someone that's good in something you're not will make you more and more uncomfortable and you are not going to improve this way
    find your equilibrium then go

  6. its also correct for me bro, you are right in every way. I hope to hear more of you. :)
  7. DaveyCrockett

    DaveyCrockett Fapstronaut

    I'm in the same situation as you, FirstBorn93. Except I'm younger and beat myself up about this nonsense to the point where I don't even want to play the game of trying to talk to chicks with the intention of asking them out. I don't even want a girlfriend, as I don't want to release from O during intercourse with a woman (and what's the point of having a girlfriend at our age, anyway?). I've recently decided to wait until marriage, if I ever do marry.

    Anyway, I do believe that why we don't really have a lot of desire to flirt with or ask chicks out is something to do with low self-esteem. @properWood is right.
  8. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

    As a person who doesn't feel proud of who he is, I can confirm you that, yes, it is low self-steem. You won't find a girl until you start doing something about yourself.
  9. 100% correct. Even when it's clear a woman is interested, he can't accept it because as you said, he is unconfident and ashamed of himself.

    @FirstBorn93 Keep abstaining from PMO to give you more confidence and a better self image and identify the other problems in your life that lead to your addiction.

    Then do what scares you the most and put yourself out there. It sounds like youre not bad with women, you're just scared to move forward when you are able to connect with them. Even if you fail a couple of times youll realize it's not such a big deal and youll become more comfortable.
  10. MechEng

    MechEng Fapstronaut

    Before I give you some advice I would just like to say that the fact you’re even trying to improve your confidence and social skills with women means you’re ahead of the millions of people who just don’t care or think it’s normal, so well done sir.

    I’m 19 right now, I’m no expert in talking to women but I have a decent amount of experience. I USED TO BE JUST LIKE YOU!!!! I couldn’t think of anything to say and just froze every time anything with a vagina came within a one mile radius of me. So you’re not alone.


    Just a bit of harsh truth, but the 2/3 times you were in the “zone” I’m 99% sure was a fluke, if your not confident most of the time then it was probably just something random, there was nothing you did to induce that in any way.

    If there was a pill or drug you could take to improve your chances with women it’s going to the gym and getting jacked, or being really successful financially, I know you said you’re in shape but I mean greek god level. I’m not saying that being jacked is all that matters, but if you have good health and a really good physique then you will feel much more confident around both men and women. I won’t go into the details about why but that’s probably the biggest tip I can give.

    There are many books on self confidence and attracting women you can read, probably the best one is “Models” by Mark Manson, it gives so many insights into why you should do something instead of what you should do. Also don’t just read it once, skip to the flirting part and expect it to work straight away, you have to read it all over and over, take notes, highlight and fully understand all the concepts. This takes some time.

    As someone said previously it’s all about practise, now I think you have to practise in the right situation, for example I go out with guys who are way better then me at chatting to women. However I find that just puts so much pressure on me because the bar set is so high, then I start to think “failure is not an option now, because my friends will think I suck with women”. So I suggest going out by yourself, so there is no bar and if you get rejected it doesn’t even matter because no-one will know. It also shows you’re independent and much more approachable. It’s as if you’re approaching one women instead of a whole group. Don’t abandon your friends just spent maybe a quarter of days going out by yourself

    I don’t know how far through you are in this journey but when I was younger I used to only be around guys and never even sat next to women. However if you can just surround yourself with women, even if you don’t say anything you will slowly pick up on things they find funny and like to talk about. Tinder is great for this, but don’t just use tinder.

    Ease yourself into it, I read a lot about how people should just go balls deep and start approaching groups of smoking hot women and flirt with the hottest one, bad idea, first start with things you feel comfortable with like teasing or giving her compliments.

    Ask your friends how they have improved, most of the time they will actually give you some decent advice and can teach you some things which work for them.

    Last but certainly not least, girls are way more introverted and shy then guys are, they think the same things you do and wish they could approach guys too. So don’t worry about saying something dumb or stupid, they only car for around 3milli seconds and then forget about it

    Hope this helps!

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