Female porn addict?

[lostone22]

I don't know how many are on here.

But the last couple of months I been recognizing that my thing with porn has become an addiction.

But I question if addiction is different for everyone?

I can't remember when my obsession with porn began. I know I was introduced to it young. Stumbling upon magazines in my parents room. When I got my own computer in my pre-teen years I would look it up whenever possible. Teen years a bit more.

It did not become what it is now until my middle twenties.

It may have started with my depression and anxiety. I cannot recall. I never thought I had a problem until recently when I started suffering from intrusive thoughts. And when searching for answers to my thoughts. I decided to look up porn addiction and I had many signs of it.

But at the same time I didn't. It did not take up much of my life. Well it did and didn't. I spend time working at home and whenever I can and am bored I look up porn and think sexual fantasies. Almost all day long at times to where it might take over my mind completely.

I would have a tab open to porn, even if I did not look at it. It would still be there for me to glance at if I wanted. I would cyber online. While trying to keep the roleplay simple it would go to sex very quickly.

I would watch porn to the point of not masturbating so that I would have that 'high' and I would be disappointed when I finally did and ashamed as well. I would even watch it if my bedroom door was open. I would be afraid if someone caught me but I still did it.

My porn was also escalating. And that is what causes my intrusive thoughts. I feel like it is an excuse because I do not fulfill all signs. But at the same time relieved. The escalating porn often made be curse if I ended up masturbating to it.

I felt on edge and rather restless when I started giving up. Went cold turkey. Since before I could not go a day without looking at it.

I lasted a month before I relapsed and then another month when I relapsed again after starting over. And my mind would think more sexual fantasies now that I don't have anything to look at.

And has anyone ever gotten mad at their partner for watching porn while you did it? Because I hated when my ex watched porn and yet I kept watching it in secret.

Growing up in my home. I had a semi good childhood. But also bad since my father would hit me for no reasons at times. I was bullied my entire life for being a high functioning autistic so I been a loner. I had friends turn on me and harass me. And my grandmother emotionally abuse me the last couple years.

Again I feel just excuses and like I am looking for some answer.

Enough rambling. That's my short rambling story.

 

[Deleted Account]

I loved your story, and reading it was very relatable for me.

I apologies, I am not one of the most articulate out there, so I may not be able to support so good... But have faith in yourself, there must be a number of things that are you gifted in. I guess with 'this' issue its a decision to start something and ensure you finish it.

Im sorry to hear about how your Dad treated you, and your grandma. Those of us who have gone through abuse can decide to be either 'better' or 'as bad' as our abusers.

I have this feeling that YOU have what it takes to beat this thing. Not only that, two things ...
That you will beat it and do it on your own terms
And also, when you beat it, you would be capable of easily assisting others in similar shoes to better themselves.

... Don't know why, I just KNOW you can do this. I mean were all "addicts" here, but your problem is not addiction. Thats the symptom. You have to discover what the base reasons are, and...

anyway, enough rambling.
Good luck, and awaken yourself.
Peace

 

[lostone22]

I hope.

I am now worrying being a sex/porn addict means I cannot have intrusive thoughts if my addiction led me to something I shouldn't have come across.

 

[Numbanddisturbed72]

Check out the 'women in reboot' section. You will find females there that can relate to your experiences, advise you and provide support. Something important i learnt from this site is that i was using the act of cybersex to temporarily numb me from my depression because of the dopamine hits it provides. This made me understand why i kept going back to a behaviour that brought me so much pain and shame. Hope you find the healing you need

 

[thorswrath32]

Sounds to me like porn became an escape for you, like it was for me to a world of fantasy. Low self esteem and anxiety are very common with porn addicts, although we don't really know which came first, the porn use or the anxiety, i think it's a mixture of both and the using only works to further enhance the symptoms. With regards to intrusive thoughts, well that is more common than you think, even amongst people who don't view porn. We all have them from time to time, the important thing is to realise it's just a thought and you don't have to act on it. It can be a long healing process, Patrick Carnes PHD, who has studied human sexual behaviour for 40 years says that it takes about 5 years to fully recover from porn induced or sex related mental health issues, but don't let that dampen your spirits because the results are worth it. I'm 955 days clean from porn use and the intrusive thoughts do become less often and also less extreme as time goes on, mainly because the brain is re-wiring itself as a more healthy lifestyle is being practiced. I do hear about female porn addicts more often these days and i believe most people still believe it's only men who fall for porns allure, so it's important that people like you reach out as it gives others more confidence to share their own struggles and get help too.