Finally learning something

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Recovering PA, Apr 4, 2018.

  1. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

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    Hi all,

    I have come to my senses over the past couple of days and realised i am not working at this recovery from the correct standpoint.

    I have been looking at what can i do to make my relationship work, looking for forgiveness. behaving like i should have done. Yesterday afternoon whilst swimming i realised that what i really need to do is to put myself in the mind of my SO, scary place for all of us addicts i know.

    I have downloaded an audio book to listen to to help (for women) "Intimate Deception" by Dr Sheri Keffer. I will give reviews about how this has helped in a few days for my followers. I have also been researching recovery for partners and trying to not read thinking i already do that but look at the facts and assess the feelings and how i can help. I am past the stage about worrying about touching myself and looking at porn and am really ready to look deep into my partners pain, empathise and hopefully help in her recovery. I'm not sure how this will go but i am getting a positive response from her, not enough yet to be intimate or have sex but thats ok. Its a long journey we are on whichever path it takes and i am determined to kill the PMO beast in my head once and for all even if my SO decides not to stay with me. No easy task for a man that has PMO'd from teens to 35 and not had a real positive normal sexual relationship.

    I will keep my journal updated and if i do get positive results will share here.
     
  2. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

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    This is awesome. Keep us posted.
     
  3. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

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    Hi ghostie,

    Thank you for your post, I have downloaded the app but can't find the book, does it have an alternate name or audio book?

    Thanks
     
  4. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

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    Hi Ghostie,

    Thank you, i have been reading the book, i'm 29% of the way through it, i've tried talking to my SO who you already know (TinaK) but she keeps shouting saying i have no balls, not a man, shes heard it all before etc. I have lost her. She is going to accept an alternative living accommodation tomorrow and that is the end. i have kept reading and will as i feel that it will serve me well in future relationships and i hope to change as part of this journey.

    Thank you for your help, just wish i had come across this earlier in my journey. I still love her very much but we don't have a connection. All she can think of is what i have done and how i have made her feel. Very sad times for both of us.
     
  5. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

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    Hi Ghostie,

    I've just got to the end of chapter 6 and read on to chapter 20 as advised in an earlier passage by another writer who has come through the journey and is happy. I have been speaking to @TinaK about this and she is in despair. I have managed to get a way forward through this minefield from her and it is to read her posts which i am about to do (and take notes) so i can asses and find ways to improve.

    I had lost hope earlier and thought fuck it and went to the Gym but the truth of it is i'm not ready to give up on what could be a fantastic relationship.

    Thank you for the kick up the arse.

    I will message you later hopefully with good news.
     
  6. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

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    Hi Ghostie,

    I have not been able to finish this book yet but making good progress. I have got to chapter 10 (also skipped to 20 and read the end) It is brilliant and think it would help my SO to read it also.

    I have also taken time read through my SO's posts on here and try to see where i have been going wrong, she has written a lot. we talked before she went out and i there are areas i still cannot get a proper understanding on.

    I have written my SO a letter explaining my feelings and my intentions (all handwritten) I have asked some of the questions mentioned in chapter 7 (i think) I am hoping that she reads this when she arrives back home at around half 10ish and can give me some guidelines for the future which i will re visit to keep a check on myself.

    Hope is not lost and i am trying to be the person she wants to be in her life and the person i want to be also.

    Ill write again tomorrow evening. Going to be a busy work day.
     
  7. It's not worth it Ghostie, you're wrong. A note. That was it. The night before I mover out.
    After three years. He knew I was 50/50 a couple of weeks ago. He couldn't face and I'm halfway through my heartache.
    I went to the cinema last night, I was gone TWO hours and he fucked off to bed and left a note.
    Thank you for everything you do for recovering PAs and SOs, the ones that want to recover X
     
  8. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

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    I am still trying but complete resistance SO is dead set that we are over, I'm devastated I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, just wish I could say the right thing to make her stay :-(.
     
  9. Hey :) Sorry to do this but I don't know how/if I can message you without making a thread. And I'm pretty sure this one's safe.

    We agreed for a week that you can talk to me and have my attention while you tell me what you've been learning. And it's been a lot these past few days.
    I know that we're only 2 days into the week but it'll soon be a week and I don't want to waste time. You know I've tried describing how you using porn instead of having sex with me? And how it made me feel (ugly, unwanted, worthless etc)? It's the one thing I really wanted to drill into you. You thought it was because you were MOing. It wasn't. I never had a problem with you masturbating - all adults have a sex drive. It's because porn (even cumming to a memory of it) was out of my control and you opted for it over me. Over time, impotency makes a woman feel ugly so when they find out their husbands do get hard-ons (just not with them) it's a real smack in the face.
    There's one link that is lengthy but absolutely nails it. I'm sending it to you because it's another way of describing the exact same impact and I've made the decision that I won't mention this again. There's only 5 days left. It's a very short amount of time and I've repeated myself enough on this subject.
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...nderstand-how-it-feels-spouse-of-a-pa.158654/
    I'm not asking you to read it but I think it would be good for your own recovery to know that many women are directly hurt by these actions. It'll hopefully help you not make the same mistakes in a new relationship because of how heartbreaking and disrespectful it is.
    I promise not to bring this part of the subject up again. We just don't have time X
     
  10. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

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    Hi ghostie,

    I have finished the book and can I say wow!! :) how is this book not a permanent resource to this site it would help all of us adicts and SO's. I have just been speaking to @TinaK about it. I cannot thank you enough,it's been a real awakening. Didn't take too long to read either. Your an angel.

    I am going to look at the link that @TinaK sent but need clear half hour to concentrate and am wanting time with SO tonight if she is free.

    I would love to talk to the authors as they sound from their book to be very good honest loving and helpful. I am in the UK so unsure of time difference. At the time of this post it is 17:15.

    Thanks again, I owe you big time.
     
  11. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

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    [/QUOTE]Where are you on completing the book? When you're done with that one, go:

    https://www.amazon.com/Livin-Lovin-Dreams-Woman-Book-ebook/dp/B004BLJ9H4/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1523407585&sr=1-1&keywords=livin'+it+lovin'+it

    And last, and this is important, when you finish, I want to set up a conference call. We can do that between you finish the first book and start the next one. I would like for you to spend some time talking to the Author. And @TinaK, it would be greatly beneficial for you to talk to Kathy (his wife) as well [/QUOTE]
    Hi Ghostie

    Tried to purchase book on Amazon but it's got location issue,I'm planning in purchasing paperback for both so I can read at leasure. Thank you so much for your help.
     

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